A rough sketch of the object, which researches have called “baffling.”
EVANSTON, Il. – Researchers at Northwestern University have discovered an unfamiliar mass which appears to have been discreetly orbiting Evanston for the past week. With the help of Dearborn Observatory’s historic refracting telescope, local astronomers studying the “luminous yellow sphere” have noted that it is unlike anything that has been seen in recent memory, and that very little is known about its nature and purpose.
In an effort to better understand the strange presence’s impact on local residents, Northwestern’s psychology and physics departments have launched a collaborative effort to measure the odd affective and behavioral changes correlated with the object’s appearance.
“During the hours in which the sphere was visible, we observed over 36 smiles and 68 instances of eye contact on Sheridan Road,” reports NU professor Renee Engeln-Maddox. “We haven’t seen that many since Continue reading
Congratulations! You’ve survived what appeared to be one of the worst quarters in NU’s history. Whether the weather got you down or you simply just screwed up every single one of your classes, it’s time to pretend it never happened and get ready for spring…FINALLY. Yay warm weather! Getting in shape! Boosting your GPA! Haha…not. While spring quarter is definitely better than winter, chances are people have totally over-exaggerated its perks, and you’re probably way more optimistic about it than you should be. But no worries, we at Sherman Ave are here to get your head out of your ass with our guide to spring quarter reality check.
EVANSTON, IL – As the temperatures finally increased above freezing, Northwestern students were faced with a new set of anxieties.
Sidewalks became moats as the 2 feet of snow from the heinous nightmare of a 5 month winter finally started to melt, allergies began to spread, and worst of all, the decision of what jacket to wear became increasingly difficult.
Weinberg Sophomore Ethan Hall spent 15 minutes alternating between Continue reading
Remember green things? (via Northwestern)
SCENE: Northwestern University’s Campus. An unexpected blizzard is beginning to pick up force. Temperatures hover in the single digits. A Northwestern tour group leaves the tour guide building and heads north to take in the sights.
Tour Guide: The weather usually isn’t like this, I promise!
Interpretation: Yeah, usually it’s a lot worse. Notice how you’re able to expose parts of your flesh to the air? It’s almost NEVER nice enough to do that! You guys lucked out!
Tour Guide: We’ll have to go down this path right here, since university construction crews are working on improving and beautifying our campus on all the other paths, and they’re currently closed. But soon Northwestern will be even better! Exciting things in the works!
Interpretation: Continue reading
Pictured: Chiberia, sometimes referred to as #Chiberia. (via mnn.com)
EVANSTON, IL – Sources reported that Northwestern student Zachary Goldowitz (Weinberg ’16) said the word “Chiberia” during a conversation with his friends at lunch today and, as a result, was very, very pleased with himself.
“Yeah guys, I swear, I’m so done with living in Chiberia,” Goldowitz reportedly said, taking care to slow down the cadence of his voice drastically upon hitting that last word, in order to let his friends be able to process how cool and hip he truly is. “When will winter end, right?”
The word Chiberia – an amalgamation of the proper nouns “Chicago” and “Siberia” – has been widely used by a large swath of the Chicagoland population in order to describe the especially cold temperatures of northeastern Illinois this winter. The logic of the name derives from the fact that “C,” “H,” and “I” are the first three letters of “Chicago;” and that “Siberia,” a far-northern region of Russia from which the moniker takes its final five letters, is one of the coldest areas on Earth.
In order to showcase his mastery of such a niche cultural reference, Goldowitz reportedly Continue reading
1. If it drops anything less than 12 inches of snow, I literally do not give a fuck. I don’t want to hear about it on the news, I don’t want 100 statuses commemorating it on facebook, it doesn’t matter. Oh it snowed 10 inches? Rad. That happened twice last week.
2. There is no point in shoveling driveways or cleaning off cars, because in 12 hours SHIT IS GOING TO BE COVERED ONCE AGAIN IN FUCKING SNOW.
3. It may be time to accept the fact that Continue reading
1. Die-athalon. Also known as “Inline Midterms,” the Die-athalon requires the participants to be fully willing to die in University Library over the course of a grueling five day span. The athletes must sustain themselves only on the weird ham sandwiches you can buy in those vending machines on the second floor, and are judged on how many times they click away from Netflix as they pretend to prepare for their six midterms in three classes. The Die-athalon annually claims the lives of all but one of the contestants.
2. Pairs Figure Skating. “The partners see each other now, locking eyes from nearly half a block away on Sheridan. They glide gracefully toward each other, veering side to side in near unison, almost as if they’re actually just trying to pass each other but can’t stop slipping on all this goddamn ice. They’re almost to each other now! The girl falls backwards, pretending to slip, in the utmost display of trust. The man reaches out, catching her in his arms! They spin around, papers flying! And at last they’re still, a perfect catch! 9.8’s from every judge, and gold to Northwestern!” Continue reading
EVANSTON, Ill. – Students who pay approximately $45,120 a year on college tuition alone proved this afternoon that they have the ability to properly identify the weather condition of “snow,” the climatological phenomenon by which incredibly small droplets of frozen water, each one unique and infinitesimally defined, fall from the sky.
“OMG SNOW IS HERE SO HAPPY #LetItSnow,” reported Christina Schwartzman (Medill ’16), who by the end of her college career will have suffered over $240,000 in educational costs in order to net herself a successful marketing job, via her Twitter account. This sentiment was contrasted by Weinberg Junior Clark Collins, a young man who will one day found his own Smartphone-based tech startup, who tweeted “Snow already ughhhhh #TooEarly.”
HOLY FUCK LOOK AT THAT FUCKING STORM
Following the announcement that Northwestern has cancelled class due to inclement weather, the NOAA has released another statement that “hell hath frozen over, and the end is clearly nigh.”
“Call your mom and remind her you love her one last time, because she’s probably going to heaven, and you’re definitely not,” advised NOAA spokesperson Noah DiRiccio. “The University cancelled classes an hour ago, so by my calculations, you should start drinking ASAP so you’re nice and anesthetized by the time the Four Horsemen get here.”
Minnesota native and SESP junior Michael Ervin was confused. “But the severe weather already happened, right? You guys consider ‘above sixty’ to be extreme here, dontcha?”
Witnesses report that Evanston Mayor Elizabeth Tisdahl displayed an uncharacteristic amount of excitement upon receiving news of the world’s impending doom.
“You mean the university will be destroyed??” she said, allegedly making a facial expression.
Stay safe, everyone.