Tag Archives: United States

The Top 16 Biggest Reasons

4 Dec

how-to-create-a-list-in-html1. Because that stock photo is not going to write a clever caption for itself.

2. Because cancer is not something you can joke about.

3. Because Ice Cube’s feature film Are We There Yet? (2005) is this generation’s seminal social commentary, setting an example for future discussions on the ramifications of divorce for young children as well as discussions on American race relations, using its title to pose the rhetorical question of whether we have reached, or perhaps if we shall ever reach, a post-racial America.

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Congress Harder on IDs After Shutdown Scare

17 Oct

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sources have reported that the United States Congress is “way harder to get into” than it was before the shutdown, which commenced on September 30th.

In a press conference this morning, President Obama hinted that he encouraged Congress to take necessary measures to ensure that a shutdown would not occur again.

“There’s no way around the fact that the government shut down due to the presence of certain people in Congress,” said Obama. “We need to make sure those people aren’t allowed in ever again.”

The new ID policy is so strict that even Continue reading

Student Shocked to Discover Racial Bias in Criminal Justice System

14 Jul
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Zimmerman, after learning he was found guilty by a jury of 250.67 million online peers

CHEVY CHASE, WASHINGTON DC–Sources report 20-year-old Samantha Hastings was visibly disturbed early Sunday morning upon learning that an invidious racial bias permeates throughout the American judicial system.

According to eyewitness reports, the revelation that George Zimmerman–the neighborhood watch volunteer who fatally shot the unarmed black teenager Trayvon Martin and ignited a national forum on racial profiling and civil rights–was  found not guilty on charges of second-degree murder and manslaughter produced a tumult of shock, disappointment, and anger in Ms. Hastings. Many close friends and relatives noted the Northwestern University biology major’s rapid politicization regarding the pervasive racial discrimination inherent in the legal framework of the United States has occurred even faster than the last time Ms. Hastings learned about the racist underpinnings of much criminal enforcement, after hearing Jay-Z’s “99 Problems” for the first time.

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In Post-Soviet Russia, Toilet Uses You: Сехтой в России, Part 1

8 Jul

Squatty potties decided the Cold War.

Khrushchev didn’t come to an agreement with Kennedy because he wanted to avoid a nuclear apocalypse; he phoned in the Cuban Missile Crisis in because he really didn’t want to negotiate with JFK while using one of the Politburo’s standing-room-only toilets. Gorbachev didn’t tear down the wall and end the Communist era because Reagan said so; he simply was tired of taking a shit standing up.

NYET.

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Michele Bachmann Shudders As Gays Learn To Make Fire

23 May

God Hates Flags

STILLWATER, Minn. — After news broke that the Boy Scouts of America lifted its ban on gays in the organization, U.S. Representative and notorious corn dog gargler Michele Bachmann shuddered audibly this afternoon at the thought that America’s homosexuals would soon learn how to create fire.

“Uuuuugggghhhh,” reported Bachmann as she convulsed uncontrollably. “I just…I can’t believe that…uuuugggghhhhh.”

After a series of what she called “the gay shakes,” Bachmann was able to finally form a coherent sentence. Continue reading

A Comprehensive Guide to Men’s Bathroom Etiquette

31 Aug

There’s a right time and a wrong time to discuss the pee pee shivers.

If you have a Y chromosome and have ever been stricken with the urgent need to urinate in Midway International Airport, then you would probably agree that the state of men’s bathroom etiquette in the United States is alarming.  Even in the 21st century, urinalgoers and toiletsitters still routinely disregard the fundamental principles of propriety and respect in the bathroom, resulting in a horrifying number of unwanted junk viewings and uncomfortable verbal exchanges.  In a desperate effort to rectify this social epidemic (henceforth referred to as “The Great Discomfort”), we here at Sherman Ave have developed a comprehensive guide to bathroom etiquette.

Part I: When and how did The Great Discomfort originate? 

            Many trace The Great Discomfort back to the New Deal under President Roosevelt in the 1930s.  One agency created was the Public Works Administration, which was responsible for, well, public works, including many public buildings large enough to necessitate large public bathrooms.  We’re not really sure how this developed into today’s current predicament, but we generally like blaming problems on large government programs and bureaucratic expansion, because of the logic.

Part II: Who is responsible for The Great Discomfort?

            Although social scientists, cultural anthropologists, and ethnographers have spent decades discussing the finer nuances of these wiener-displaying culprits, the answer is really pretty simple: Old people.  Indeed, the most gruesome perpetrators of the Great Discomfort are typically old men who trounce through public bathrooms, trying to make small talk and making no attempt to shield your eyes from their wrinkly, wrinkly manbags.  Here are some of the most common characteristics of the old people who will make your bathroom experience more uncomfortable than that time you watched the rock opera Tommy with your estranged uncle:

  • AARP membership
  • Florida license plate
  • Pocketful of Werther’s wrappers
  • Copy of “The Greatest Generation” by Tom Brokaw
  • Tendency to loudly announce snap judgments about minorities
  • A “Thurmond-Wright ‘48” pin on his knapsack

Of course, America’s grave-fillers aren’t the only ones capable of generating bathroom awkwardness.  Other renowned etiquette-violators include well-meaning janitors, pants-dropping children, and gay-bashing senators.

As if it wasn’t bad enough that you had to watch the Cubs piss away another afternoon.

Part III: Where is The Great Discomfort most volatile?

            As you may have guessed, The Great Discomfort is most potent in public environments.  With the exception of those times years ago when your father kicked down the door while you were peeing and fired off two dozen Roman Candles to threaten you into trying out for the football team instead of auditioning for the local productions of Cats, almost all negative bathroom experiences occur in some kind of public setting and stem from other people being heinous.  Even so, some public places seem to attract the uncomfortable bathroom crowd.  Listed below are some of the most notable hotspots for toilet creepers*.

  • Baseball games.  Setting aside the crowd of drunken overweight 30-somethings who are still trying to relive their glory days playing 3rd base for Boise North High School, the urinal troughs create a toxic environment (literally and figuratively) for bathroom-goers seeking peace and quiet.  You’d think that in a society so focused on individual rights, we wouldn’t all have to piss in the same damn basin like a bunch of mangy socialist taintlords.
  • Airports.  Just because you aren’t fellating Larry Craig doesn’t mean that you’re home free.  Airport bathrooms are grotesque because they combine the feel of a high-stress environment (businessmen hurrying to their flights, children hurrying to the shitty airport store, pilots hurrying to get moderately intoxicated at the airport bar) with a crowd of people in travel mode (read: That guy who brushes his teeth in the airport bathroom).  The result is a violent collision of cultures, which inevitably translates to – you guessed it – awkwardness in the bathroom.
  • Truck Stops.  For a second, we can ignore the fact a truck stop bathroom is dirtier than the International Mud Wrestling Convention held in Mumbai; the discomfort stems only partially from the inherent dirtiness of the bathroom.  What is even deadlier is the clash of the trucker, who traditionally views a truck stop bathroom stall as a 15-minute escape from the endless yellow lines of I-80, and the standard driver or passenger, who views a truck stop bathroom stall as a 20-second sacrifice to avoid a urinary tract infection.

Target practice.

Part IV: How can The Great Discomfort be curbed?

            After hours of pain-staking research and heated discussion, we have deconstructed the problem at hand and divided it into a handful of simple and digestible tips (no pun intended?) on how to avoid flagrant violations of bathroom etiquette.

  • Minimize conversation.  There is a time and a place for everything, and the time and place for small talk is at church picnics and Starbuck’s service counters.
  • Minimize awkward conversation.  It’s one thing to talk about the weather to a dude while he’s deflating his pelvic panther, but it’s another to ask him about his ailing grandmother.  There is really just a very limited selection of appropriate conversations that can occur between two men holding their porkswords.
  • Minimize grunting.  For fuck’s sake, this isn’t a women’s tennis match.  No one wants to be in the bathroom at the same time as the guy whose defecation process is so intense that it necessitates sound effects comparable to Chewbacca being fisted by King Kong.
  • Wash your hands.  This shouldn’t require much explanation.  If you just peed in a urinal, then you just touched your glorystick, which means you should wash your hands.  I’m looking at you, hippies.
  • Eyes ahead.  There is nothing more awkward than someone peeing at a full row of urinals whilst aggressively staring at the person to his left or right.  I’d rather have the Eye of Sauron watch me empty the steel eel than have the Eye of Creepy Tall German Guy watch me whip it out.  YES, GERMANS.  I’M CALLING YOU OUT.
  • Wait to whip.  Among the most atrocious bathroom crimes is the “Early Exposure,” or the act of completely whipping out your dick before even reaching a urinal.  It is incredibly traumatizing to finish a good piss, turn around to wash your hands, and be accosted by a random dude’s shlong.  Seriously, it’s horrifying, unnecessary, and impossible to unsee, much like the movie “Deliverance.”
  • Execute Proper Urinal Placement.  This is the trickiest of these tips to master, because there is truly a science behind urinal placement.  Essentially, this is the rule of thumb: Always attempt to leave at least one urinal between yourself and the nearest bathroom-goer.  Above all, don’t be the guy that bypasses an entire row of empty urinals to occupy the urinal adjacent to the only other occupied urinal.  Just don’t do it.  It’s really hurtful and often leads to severe emotional distress.

So, men of the world, take heed.  With proper attention and care, this social crisis can be corrected.  With each drop of golden elixir that you excrete from your bodies, you have the opportunity to be a catalyst for progress.  Never forget that just one person can make a difference, even if it’s something as small as refraining from asking an adjacent bathroom-goer what he thinks of 50 Shades of Grey.

*Yes, Toilet Creepers was the name of my band in high school.  Those days are behind me, despite the fact that our hit single “Snake Jelly on my Fingertips” would have easily gone platinum had it gotten better exposure.
To purchase your very own Mayor Tisdahl Urinal Cake, LIKE OUR FACEBOOK PAGE!!!

The 5 Least Smangable First Ladies in American History

9 Aug

With no official duties, salary, or elected position, the First Lady of the United States is first and foremost the hostess, or ho-stess, of the White House. Nevertheless, the First Lady of the United States plays an important role in the Executive Branch, handling everything from official ceremonies of state to the Senate Majority Whip, if you know what I mean (looking at you, Lady Bird Johnson). Sometimes, Presidents’ wives will even be entrusted to handle such politically divisive issues as child obesity and literacy, at least when the Vice President is too busy.

Yet for all of America’s Mrs. Presidentress’ accomplishments as powerful women, celebrities, activists, and interlopers, some of the First Ladies in the annals of history were just downright dogs. What follows is the list of the top five First Ladies that not even JFK would bang.*

Florence “The Machine” Harding

5. Florence Harding
Popularly referred to as The Duchess, Florence “Flo Rida” Harding was quoted as saying, “I know what’s best for the President. I put him in the White house. He does well when he listens to me and poorly when he does not.” Although the circumstances of President Harding’s sudden and untimely 1923 death remain unclear, rumor has it that Warren’s balls had been irreparably busted by his wife. That’s what you get, after all, when you ask your wife for some Teapot Dome after a long day of corruption work in the Oval Office.

4. Ida McKinley
What else can you expect from a woman who’s main devotion in life was crocheting slippers? After losing two daughters in childbirth and a devoted husband to an assassination, Ida most certainly was not DTF. The epilepsy didn’t help either.

Not terribly interested in her husband’s “Old Rough and Ready”

3. Margaret Taylor
Described by others as “a fat, motherly looking woman,” Margaret Taylor’s physical appearance wasn’t nearly as bad as her demeanor. After praying for her husband Zachary to lose the Presidential election of 1848, and still smarting from Free Soil candidate Martin Van Buren’s political smear campaign that Zachary Taylor’s wife “Haveth a Total Butterface,” the First Lady spent much of her time cloistered in the second floor of the Presidential mansion, composing erotic fan fiction about the exploits of Whig Senator Daniel Webster. She did, however, once accidentally walk in on Millard Fillmore’s “personal time” in the mural room, an event that subsequently ruined all men for the First Lady.

2. Pat Nixon
Surprisingly, Pat Nixon never really caught on to the whole “deepthroat” thing.

Surprisingly, “Mary Todd Lincoln” is only the third least appropriate name of a First Lady to shout out during coitus.

1. Mary Todd Lincoln
Mary Todd was crazy. Not the good kind of crazy — the kind of crazy that results in Abe trying to explain away how he was found blindfolded and handcuffed to William Seward in the base of the Washington Monument — but rather the “I had to endure a marriage through the most stressful period in American history and witness my husband’s assassination and I buried my son Tad and I’m addicted to chloral hydrate and I think there’s a wandering Jew trying to steal my purse and now I’m pretty sure my son Robert is trying to kill me” kind of crazy. Abe Lincoln may have been the Rail Splitter, but he certainly wasn’t going to tap that any more than necessary.

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*LOL JFK

Sherman Ave Goes Global!

26 Apr
Much like imperialist Europe in the early 20th century, the colored places are the ones we've conquered

We would like to cordially invite Greenland to suck the fattest dick on the planet.

This is a map of Sherman Ave’s global reach. The countries that are filled in with color have viewed Sherman Ave at least once (obviously, it is the country as a whole viewing it together as part of a ceremony, and not one single person arbitrarily browsing the Internet for fucksaw videos). The color-coding isn’t especially relevant to viewership; it represents the general greatness of the country, judged on the traditional scale of 1 to 32,524.

As part of a marketing effort, we’re making attempts to analyze these global trends of viewership to figure out how we can broaden our appeal, and in all our gratitude and kindness, we’ve decided to show our strategies to you, our dickholders shareholders (remember the other night, when you had one too many and bought $50,000 worth of stock in a blog that doesn’t yet run its own advertisements?).

Let’s start with North America. We’re clearly getting a considerable amount of views from Canada, United States, and Mexico. This is probably due largely to a few shady deals we made in the 1990s when NAFTA was being drafted, shortly after Al Gore invented the Internet.

Even in Central America, some of the rural fruit farmers have found their way onto our joyous blog.* Yes, it may have something to do with the fact that we’ve been actively trading arms to the Sandinistas over the last few years to cover Sherman Ave’s fixed production costs (Miller High Life and Flaming Hot Cheetos), but we also like to think that we’ve managed to score some views in Costa Rica by casually ranting about how much we hate their country.

One of our Brazilian readers, vicariously feeling our sadness at the revocation of The Keg's liquor license

In South America, you may notice that all countries have some level of viewership of Sherman Ave. I know, you might be thinking, “What about French Guiana, Suriname, and Guyana?” In response: Those piece-of-shit countries are not real countries. French Guiana is a territory of France (If the UN Security Council was the Jackson 5, France would be Tito), Suriname’s primary language is Dutch (apparently Dutch is a language?), and Guyana is known best for mass suicide. Although we didn’t get a high quantity of views from countries like Argentina and Brazil, we feel safe in assuming that the views we did came from hot Brazilian models, the Argentinian soccer team, and the corpse of Eva Peron.

Moving onto Europe, you’ll see that we have almost absolute viewership in Europe. This is quite a shocking insight for us; we didn’t realize our writing style crafted such a strong appeal to metrosexual chain-smokers who do nothing but listen to house music and get bailed out by the United States in world wars. Strangely, though, it does seem that there is a small void in Moldova, where the few Internet users are presumably brainstorming ways to make their country relevant and/or dying in abject poverty.

Asia provides arguably the most surprising statistics. Judging from the fact that a) we’ve had no viewers in Yemen or Oman, and b) we’ve gone 1 for 7 with countries ending in “-stan,” our sweeping campaign to appeal to Muslim Internet users has failed unequivocally. We hope to remedy this by expanding our content to be more culturally friendly; in the future, expect continuations of current article series, such as “Point/Counterpoint: Qu’ran vs. Koran,” “Freshman Guide: Finding A Mosque in Evanston,” and “An Open Letter Non-apology to American Automobile Owners.”

Our efforts in Africa, on the other hand, appear to have been successful beyond our wildest dreams. As you can see, we’ve gotten views from every Internet user on the continent.**

No luck with Papua New Guinea, though. We’re discussing the launch of a subsidiary blog called “Pygmy Ave.”

 

*“Rural Fruit Farmer” is incidentally the name of Clay Aiken’s next album.
**We’re assuming the penguins from the movie “Madagascar” haven’t yet figured out how to use the Internet.

A Review of the Dumbest States in America

25 Apr

Florida, consider this as your warning.

We live in the greatest country in the world. Why, you ask? Because fuck you, that’s why Mr. Hypothetical Man who would dare doubt that the United States is the best country to exist anywhere in the history of everything. See that? That’s American Democracy and Freedom in action. I think I’ve proven my point.

Anyhow, I’m not here to discuss my patriotism. I’m not here to talk about the fact that I had my penis tattooed to look like the Washington Monument. And I’m certainly not here to discuss the time when Ross Packingham and I did two consecutive power-hours with Bill Clinton and Bruce Springsteen in the Oval Office. I’m here to talk about one thing and one thing only: Fuck France. Wait…No? I’m not here to talk about the fact that the French are the taint of the world? Really? But, we all know they are, right? Yeah? Okay then we’re good.

Okay, so apparently I’m here to talk about the dumbest states in America. Fine. You get off easy this time, you Parisian bastards.

Anyhow, even though America is the best country in the world, there are certainly some streak marks on the clean underwear that is the United States. I’m not saying the South should have seceded, I’m saying the South should have seceded (see what I did there? I can do that because this is America and fuck everyone else. God Bless this country!). However, though the South is the birthplace of stupidity, there are some students of Southern thinking that have surpassed the teacher. Here are the three largest hubs of fuckery in the United States:

This bear would be crossing into Canada right now if it weren't for all the spilled oil holding him down.

3. Alaska
Listen guys, I’m all for taking things from Canada that are rightfully theirs. In fact, one of my favorite hobbies is stealing things from Canada. I have a hockey stick, a barrel of maple syrup, and five moose in my closet to prove it. However, Alaska is one possession that I think belongs in the hands of those loveable losers.

You don’t think Canadians are losers? They don’t pay for healthcare. You don’t think those two things are related?

So anyhow, Canadians are losers – and so are Alaskans. Listen, I love snow as much as the next guy. I annually celebrate the day the freezing temperatures cause my testicles to recede into my body…like the French during a war (you fucks didn’t think I’d let you get away that easily, did you?). However, Alaska is just terrible – plain and simple.

Only Important Point: Sarah Palin. Only Alaska could produce this special brand of stupid. I mean, there’s stupid and then there’s “I don’t read because I’m busy shooting animals from a helicopter while looking for Russia as I have sex using a real bear-skin condom fantasizing about segregation” stupid. If your state is dumb enough to let Sarah Palin tell you what to do, you’re pretty fucking stupid.

Really? REALLY!?!?

2. Mississippi
Let’s start with the obvious: the state name is 11 characters long, and only uses four letters from the alphabet. That’s like if you gave me a house and ten different colors of paint, and then told me I could paint the house however I wanted. You suggested I use at least five of the colors, but nothing was mandatory. Then, I decided to defecate and wiped my feces on the wall. That’s what I think when I think Mississippi: a house covered in shit.

However, their name isn’t the only thing dumb about them — not by a long shot. Mississippi, in addition to being a shithouse, is one of the fattest states in the nation. Nothing against fat people, but if your idea of a carnival snack is deep-fried fried butter (that’s not a typo, that’s a crime against humanity), you should probably just start injecting nacho cheese into your bloodstream.

1. Arizona
I’m going to be honest here: this wasn’t even a competition. This is like a “Who’s the Blackest President?” competition. You can joke and pretend there’s not just one answer, but we all know the truth (It’s William McKinley). For those unaware of Arizona’s crimes against all intelligent thought, here’s a brief rundown:

-Martin Luther King Jr. Day: Martin Luther King Jr. was one of the most important and helpful figures to exist in American history. Making his birthday a national holiday should be a non-issue, right? Not if you’re Arizona. Yep, Arizona decided, on multiple occasions, that it did not want to honor Martin Luther King Jr. Day. And though you may think Arizona eventually came to the logical conclusion and realized MLK Day is a legitimate holiday, since it is celebrated there now – you’d be sadly mistaken. That type of idea is smart, and smart doesn’t fly in Arizona. No, to accept Martin Luther King Jr. Day, Arizona had to be threatened with never hosting the Super Bowl. That’s right. The only problem Arizona had with blatant racism is that it interfered with watching playoff football. I don’t have any more words for this. I don’t have a joke. Just let this actual fact sink in for a few minutes.

-SB 1070: Now that you’re done cleaning up whatever item you viciously threw at the wall, be ready to want to punch everybody. I’m sure most people have heard of Arizona’s recent immigration law, known as SB 1070, but for those who haven’t here’s a quick summary: The law requires that police check the identification of any person who they have “reasonable suspicion” of the person committing a crime. That doesn’t sound so bad. However, the law also makes it a crime to be an illegal immigrant in Arizona. Now let’s connect the dots: police can commander people who they believe may be guilty of a crime. Being an illegal immigrant is a crime. Well now, doesn’t that sound like police can interrogate you if they think you may be illegal? I may be from Arizona, but I’m not so stupid that I don’t understand that (though I can’t do algebra). That’s like if I told you I can arrest you if I think you committed a crime, then I make looking like you reason for thinking you committed a crime. I can’t think of any actual analogies for this because this is the dumbest possible situation possible.

Fuck you, Arizona.

-Arizona Says You’re All Pregnant: Did you know you’re already pregnant? You are in Arizona. In Arizona, pregnancy starts at the end of your last menstrual cycle. Though this concept has been used for dating the conception of children, due to the uncertainty of pregnancy tests, it has never been used for law, BECAUSE IT’S FUCKING STUPID! WHAT THE FUCK ARIZONA! WHY IS EVERYONE PREGNANT!?!? WHY ARE YOU SO DUMB?????? DAMN IT! DAMN IT! DAMN IT!

Well there they are – the dumbest states in the country. I hope you’ve enjoyed this as much as I’ve hated thinking about this. I’m never thinking about anything ever again.

The Official Sherman Ave Drinking Decathlon!

20 Mar

Laurel wreaths optional.

Teams
There will be two teams. Teams may consist of between 1 to 4 people.

Playlist
There shall be a playlist composed specifically for the purpose of this game. It must include no less than eight (8) songs by Adele, five (5) songs by Rihanna, three (3) Outkast singles, and at least seven (7) songs that topped the charts before the last U.S. military intervention in Latin America.

Game Pieces

  • Copious amounts of alcohol (at least one (1) case of shitty beer, at least one (1) handle of shitty alcohol) and necessary mixers
  • One (1) Sorry! game set
  • One (1) Battleship game set
  • One (1) puzzle of 100 piece puzzle
  • One (1) deck of cards
  • One (1) box of AP United States History flashcards
  • One (1) beer pong table with sufficient cups/balls
  • One (1) golf ball
  • One (1) three (3) iron golf club

PROCEDURE

Opening Ceremonies
Each team will be randomly assigned a country well beforehand. The team must don the colors and/or flag of that nation, obnoxiously blast that nation’s national anthem, and list their nation’s grievances against the United States in chronological order and/or list the top ten STDs contracted by their nation’s citizens, in decreasing order of prevalence. The game shall begin with a ceremonial shot of said shitty alcohol, taken by each player. The shot must go unchased. Each team also has the opportunity to parade its team flag, if they are unreasonably heinous enough to design one.

THE GAMES

1. Bubble Spinner
A pitcher of mixed drink must be made and poured into a shot glass for each player partaking. Each team will nominate one player to serve as its Bubble Spinner delegate. The two opposing delegates will engage in a match of Bubble Spinner. Each time a player advances a level, each player of the opposing team must drink a shot of the aforementioned mixed drink. When a team loses, each player on said team must drink a shot of the mixed drink. The winning team will be awarded ten (10) points.

2. Sorry!
Each player will pour themselves a cup of mixed drink. Each team will control one (1) team on the Sorry! board. Players must take one drink whenever:

  • The opposing team takes a game-piece home
  • Following the Greek tradition of mental and physical excellence (nudity optional)

  • There is a “Sorry!” card played (everyone drinks)
  • A “power-slide” is implemented (everyone drinks)
  • A member of the team says the word “Sorry” (offending team drinks)
  • A seven is played (the player who played the seven gets to dole out seven drinks)

After the game has been won, everyone on the losing team must drink. The winning team will be awarded ten (10) points.

3. AP US History
Each player will be paired up with a player on the opposite team. Each player will quiz the player on the other team with fifteen (15) cards. The player must drink each time he/she misses a question. After all is done, the teams will tally the aggregate number of questions missed, and the team with fewer questions missed wins. If there is a tie, the game must be played again, in its entirety, until the tie is settled. The losing team must all drink, and the winning team will be awarded five (5) points for each question by which they’ve beat the opponent.

4. Battleship
Each team will take a side in Battleship. For each miss, one person on the missing team must drink (this person may, and should, change throughout the game). For each hit, one person on the hit team must drink (same goes). At the end of the game, everyone on the losing team must drink. The winning team will be awarded five (5) points for each grid-space by which they’ve beat the opponent.

5. Sporcle
Each player will be paired up with a player on the opposite team. Each opposing pair will randomly select a Sporcle quiz. The losing team of each quiz will have to distribute drinks however they choose among their team; one drink for each point by which they’ve been defeated. After all player pairs have gone, the team with the most aggregate points will win. The losing team drinks, the winning team will be awarded fifteen (15) points for each Sporcle quiz won.

HALFTIME
Each player must shotgun a beer. If a player abstains from shotgunning, his/her team will be penalized ten (10) points.

Uncle Sam wants you!

6. Beer Pong
Two players from each team will nominated as delegates to play a game of beer pong. The team that wins said beer pong game will be awarded twenty (20) points, and will also be awarded an additional five (5) points for each cup remaining on their side at the end of the game. Celeb shots shall be limited to two per team, and only players who can quote a full minute of Mean Girls shall be eligible to take a Celeb Shot. If the game results in overtime, the winning team only will be awarded twenty (20) points.

7. Flip Cup
The two teams will play a best of five (5) tournament of flip cup. The winning team will be awarded twenty (20) points. If a team wins in four (4) games, they will be awarded twenty-five (25) points, and if a team wins in three (3) games, they will be awarded thirty (30) points. Throughout the competition, the two teams must debate each other regarding one of four potential topics: partial-birth abortion, affirmative action, the causes and consequences of the Arab Spring, or the sexual capacity of President Morty Schapiro.

8. Facebook
Each team will nominate a delegate to compete in Facebook. Players will be awarded points for the following:

  • Poke five (5) friends from high school (five [5] points overall)
  • Comment “8==D” on two (2) statuses (five [5] points overall)
  • Challenge one (1) friend of Asian descent to a game of Words with Friends (five [5] points overall)
  • Post two (2) statuses, each quoting a song from Katy Perry or Adele in all caps (five [5] points overall)
  • Accept all friend requests that have been ignored thus far (one [1] point per friending)
  • Post four (4) pictures of the teammate winking onto the walls of any of their Facebook friends who are 40 years old or older (four [4] points overall)

9. Kings
All players must partake in one (1) game of Kings. Whichever teams breaks the circle will be penalized fifteen (15) points. Whichever team opens the beer can must go up to the roof and try to hit a Northwestern landmark with a golf ball using a three (3) iron. The team whose delegate successfully strikes the landmark will be awarded fifteen (15) points, but a failure to hit the landmark will result in a five (5) point deduction.

Bonus points for disappointing your parents

10. ACT Sample Test
A subject (Reading, Science, Math, or English) will be randomly selected. Each player will have to do one set/passage. A strict time limit must be adhered to (15 minutes each for English, 12 minutes each for Math, 10 minutes each for Reading, 5 minutes each for Science). After all players have completed their portion of the test, the scores will be totaled up, and the winning team will be awarded five (5) points for each question by which they’ve beat the opponent. A team that scores higher than the projected NU average score will be awarded two (2) points for each question they answer above the projected results, but a team that scores lower than the projected NU average score will be deducted one (1) point for each question they answer below the projected results.

CLOSING CEREMONIES
At this point, the score must be totaled. The losing team will have a chance to come back and gain one hundred (100) points, if they can complete the 100-piece puzzle in the amount of time it takes the winning team to walk to BK, eat something (documentation required), and return. If the losing team completes the puzzle by the time the winning team returns, the losing team will be awarded one hundred (100) points.

If, somehow, the teams have equal points at the end of all ten events, each player must take one shot after toasting “All men are created equal.” All players will then proceed to skinny dip in Lake Michigan.

-Ross Packingham (with Evander Jones)

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