Browse the CDs for sale and contemplate how far Fiona Apple has fallen.
Consider who actually even buys CDs anymore.
Pretend to be foreign and convinced that Starbucks is, in fact, a bank. Become angry when they will not allow you to make a withdrawal.
Nap. Continue reading
1. You were trying to go to the library but it took too goddamn long to cross Sheridan.
2. The government was shut down.
3. You were looking for the crepe place in Norris.
4. You got impaled by a biker so now you lie bleeding.
5. You were writing a strongly worded letter to your local congressman.
Rumor has it that Northwestern is full of nerds, but I bet you’re thinking that the class of 2017 is gonna be different. “We’ll socialize!” you say, “We’ll never set foot in the library!”, “We’ll skip office hours to go to impromptu jam sessions on the lakefill!”
Ah, how grand it is to be young and naive. I bet you also think that, during all of your so-called ‘free time,’ you’ll spend hours laughing and being merry with friends in the student union, pausing from your leisure only to accept a beer from your waiter, or to play with one of the freely roaming puppies.
I’m here to burst your bubble and tell you that Norris is nothing like the heavenly place you have been dreaming about.
There’s nothing like the sweet flavor of an unpaid internship.
Seriously. There literally is nothing like that. Unpaid internships taste like shit, because most internships boil down to three-plus months of ass kissing and there’$ nothing to $weeten the deal.
Plus, you’re starving. Because when you’re in New York, San Francisco or any other city where each square foot of rent costs the sum total of Dolly Parton’s plastic surgeries, do you have the cash to spare for sustenance?
$ign$ point to n0.
It’s day four of finals week and the Norbucks baristas have called it quits until their environment improves. One barista was verbally assaulted by an HPME sophomore after putting a round frappuccino cap on his regular iced coffee.
“I told him we were out of the regular caps, but he didn’t care. I have never seen such rage, and I am honestly scared for the safety of myself and my coworkers,” reported the barista, who wishes to remain anonymous but wants to clarify that she isn’t Anthony.
It comes to no surprise that the Norbucks baristas can become the punching bag for stressed out undergrads during finals week. Caffeine for many is the door to success, and it is the baristas who hold the key. After waiting in long lines to get their fix, even the little things can set students off; one girl almost broke down in a full tantrum after she was told their was no artificial sweetener for her venti skinny vanilla latte steamed at children’s temperature.
“I told her using nonfat milk alone cut down on calories, but she couldn’t hear me over the sounds of her own wailing,” said the barista.
“Every day this week has been a nightmare. The thing students don’t realize is that we get stressed out too! Do you know how hard it is to guess which spelling of Caitlin is the correct one? I shouldn’t have to hold my breath as I anticipate the explosion that can occur after misspelling someone’s name. We’re all human here,” said another barista.
The Norbucks workers refuse to work. They turned the lights of their little cart off until they get the respect they think they deserve. Sadly, the community only anticipates greater animosity. The Norris Center is looking to the NUPD for help to ensure the safety of these baristas and their families in anticipation of a student-led witch hunt to find these employees, throw them over their shoulders, carry them back to their tiny work space, and demand a grande iced vanilla bean caramel mocha frap with a double shot of espresso.
Jackie Robinson breaking the color barrier in baseball. Rosa Parks refusing to give up her seat on the bus. Martin Luther King having a dream. Barack Obama winning the presidency. All of us are familiar with the work that trailblazers like these and so many others accomplished to move beyond our nation’s racial divisions. Now, I am proud to announce that we can inscribe two more names on to this prestigious list, for country singer Brad Paisley has teamed up with rap icon/NCIS: Los Angeles star LL Cool J to finally eradicate black-white tensions. If you were at all concerned that America in 2013 had still not achieved a truly post-racial society, then boy, do I have news for you! Ladies and gentlemen, I give you “Accidental Racist.”
“To the man who waited on me
at the Starbucks down on Main
I hope you understand”
It appears that Brad Paisley knows of exactly one black person, and it is a minimum-wage earner at a coffee chain. And he has dedicated a song to this one black person. What could go wrong?
October has always been my favorite month of the year. Maybe it’s the colors changing, maybe it’s the football season – hell, maybe it’s even the simple pleasure of using candy corn as bait to attract and subsequently kill your neighbor’s pets. But sometimes we get so caught up in our responsibilities – school, work, animal sacrifice – that we take for granted the gifts that this beautiful month brings us. Here are five fun-filled activities that you must accomplish before October gets all menstrual and becomes November.
5. Wear a Halloween costume to a religious service
It is quite regrettable that I have never brought myself to do this one. This can be an excellent memory for all people involved, but only if you use the right costume. For example, if you go to mass sporting your awesome “Cross-dressing Rush Limbaugh” costume, you might think you’re awesome, but all the Catholics will likely just mistake you for the Pope. And we’ve ALL been in that awkward situation where everyone thinks you’re the liaison between them and God when you were really just trying to be funny and mildly offensive.
4. Carve something inappropriate into a pumpkin
Carving pumpkins is one of the long-standing Halloween traditions, and as with all long-standing traditions, it must be regularly disgraced. There are two ways of bringing heinous to the pumpkins – either by ruining other people’s pumpkins with crudely drawn sexual images, or by artfully crafting pornography into your own pumpkins. Now, some of you may ask, “Does it have to be pornography?” and I will answer you the same way my estranged uncle answered my inquiries regarding his Netflix queue: Yes, it always has to be pornography.
3. Drop acid in a corn maze
We’ve all seen that movie Signs starring Mel Gibson. Actually, not all of us have seen it. Come to think of it, I don’t think I know a single person inane enough to remove two hours from their woefully short time on this earth to watch that god awful piece of dogshit. But the point still stands: Cornfields can be pretty fucking scary. And if they’re scary now, just imagine how scary they are when you’ve suddenly morphed into a three-legged Pakistani sex-clown running from the omnipotent army of scrotum-hungry beasts with the body of Anna Kournikova and the head of Whoopi Goldberg.
2. Shotgun a Pumpkin Spice latte
Okay, seriously, this is important. Starbuck’s is so up-their-ass with their goddamn seasons that someone needs to put them in their place, and this is just the way to accomplish that. So here’s what you do. Walk into a Starbuck’s with a boombox blasting music from one of the aggressively sub-par CDs sold at the Starbuck’s counter – Jewel will do. Proceed to order a venti Pumpkin Spice latte, because as long as the grande costs $6.50, you might as well spring the extra 50 cents and shell out 7 bucks for a fucking drink. When the barista calls your name, which is presumably spelled in a way that somehow manages to use characters from a minimum of three different language families, grab your drink, punch a sizable hole in the bottom of the side, and then CHUG. THE. WHOLE. DAMN. THING. There’s a high probability you’ll suffer second-degree burns, but it’s a small price to pay for sticking it to the man.
1. Bang Jennifer Lawrence
Admittedly, this doesn’t necessarily pertain to the month of October, but I’m all about setting goals and deadlines. And since you’re apparently supposed to announce your goals to your friends or some shit, here goes: I intend to do the sex at Jennifer Lawrence by the time October ends.
Like, seriously, what a piece of ass. I’d sure like to show her what the 12 in District 12 really means. I would give her everything my Cornucopia has to offer, and when all is said and done, she’ll really understand what it means to be the Girl on Fire. Hunger Games sex jokes aside, though, Jennifer Lawrence is really hot. And I want to make penis toward her.
Happy October, everybody!
We all have bad days. Maybe you just wake up on the wrong side of the bed. Maybe your orgo midterm grade came back. Maybe you found out that the Theta girl you had over last night watched a little too much Twilight in high school and wake up to find that your neck matches Northwestern’s new uniform color. Or maybe that guy you told to call you maybe didn’t call you…MAYBE. Regardless of the reasons, we will all have bad days, but there are several tiny things that can help make those bad days better – or maybe even turn those days around completely.
1. Putting on Warm Underwear
Let’s be honest here: there are few things better than the sudden warming of your nether-regions that comes after slipping on underwear just out of the dryer. Though the feeling is short-lived, I imagine it’s the same feeling female gymnast have after winning their medals – excited, jubilant, and a little depressed knowing things only go downhill from there. I’d even go as far as saying that putting on warm underwear is one of the best things that can happen to anyone’s junk (man junk and lady junk) without another person involved (placing it around the 2057th best thing that can happen to someone’s junk overall). When you put on warm underwear, you feel like you can take on the world – and you would too if only you could get yourself to put on the rest of your clothes and stop moaning in the middle of the Laundromat.
2. Discovering New Meme Websites
This is a personal bright spot for me. In my personal opinion, discovering a new source for your favorite type of meme – whether they be Olympic-themed, celebrity-themed, or little-face Mitt Romney-themed (look them up, seriously…seriously…srysly), discovering a new meme site can brighten up any boring day. Let me save you a little time. Did you know there’s a website dedicated to Animals Talking in All Caps? Really. It’s a thing. Here it is: http://animalstalkinginallcaps.tumblr.com/.
However, if for some odd reason animals talking in all caps is not your thing, there’s bound to be a meme site for you out there for you to waste hours upon hours of your day staring at, forgetting that you just bombed your last test because you spent the entire day prior to the test staring at a new meme site.
3. When workers at Starbucks spell your name right
It’s the bane of any non-Anglo-Saxon person’s existence. No, I’m not talking about racism, intolerance, or even Paul Ryan, no – I’m talking about the barista’s at Starbucks. Yes, those illiterate bastards are probably the worst thing to happen to anyone of foreign descent since colonization (As a person of German, British, France, Austrian, and Russian descent, I am still deeply, deeply sorry about that one. We really fucked up. No, you still can’t have complete control of your economies yet – but I’m still sorry). It’s amazing to see how anyone who managed to successfully fill out a job application can misspell a four letter name so badly.
However, these horrible failures do have one up-side: the feeling of delight you have when someone finally spells your name right. The day that you received your Frappuccino with your name spelled without three extra Y’s, a J, and a dollar sign is likely one of the best days you’ve had in recent memory and this occurring again could probably turn any bad day into a pretty good one.
4. Fat Kids
I know we may disagree on the meme thing, but I think we can all agree on one thing: fat kids are hilarious. Like, is there anything funnier than a fat kid doing things wrong? As a former fat kid, I know – we’re just a hilarious bunch. So whenever you’re having a hard time, just look up videos of fat kids struggling and you’ll replace your normal sadness with happiness and guilt.
5. Finding out that people you dislike got ugly
Does this really need explanation? Think of someone you hate. Now, imagine one day you saw this person and you noticed that he or she had put on 30 pounds and lost their front tooth. You’re welcome. If you’re ever fortunate enough to have this happen in real life, take a picture and frame it. It will basically be like taking an anti-depressant except without the risk of Nausea, Insomnia, Anxiety, Restlessness, Decreased sex drive, Dizziness, Weight gain, Tremors, Sweating, Sleepiness or fatigue, Dry mouth, Diarrhea, Constipation, Headaches, Worsened Depression, or Desire to Commit Suicide (real list of side effects. It’s probably best to find people you dislike that got ugly or look up pictures of fat kids).
6. Coming Back to School
DEAR GOD THERE WOULD NOT BE ANYTHING BETTER THAN SCHOOL STARTING! WHY ARE WE ON THE QUARTER SYSTEM? WHY IS EVERYONE GONE? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH MYSELF? DID YOU KNOW THAT THERE ARE 24 HOURS IN EVERY DAY? 24 LONELY, SAD HOURS? LET SCHOOL START AGAIN! I DON’T WANT TO PICK UP A NEW HOBBY AND I’VE WATCHED EVERY EPISODE OF EVEN STEVENS TWICE!!! MAKE IT END!!!!
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