Throughout my collegiate career, I have often noticed sober people’s unwillingness to grant that they are overprivileged, even though they may grant that drunk people are disadvantaged in society. While they may support assisting drunks and drunk rights, sobers often deny that they, as sobers, gain advantages from drunks’ disadvantages. These denials protect sober privilege from being fully acknowledged, lessened, or ended. Sober people are taught to see their lives as normal, neutral, and average, and also ideal, so that when they work to benefit others it is seen as work that will allow “them” (drunks) to be more like “us” (sobers).
As a fundamentalist Christian, every time I go out, I have to feign interest as y’all slur together pathetic attempts at almost-sentences in an effort to conduct “small talk.”
Well, I quit. Continue reading →
You may have noticed that many of the articles in our award-winning* Freshman Guide series are related to alcohol. This is largely because all of the 21-year-olds on our staff enjoy imbibing with great fervor. However, we are fully aware that many freshmen are not yet 21 years of age, and that a large portion of freshmen and current students may choose not to puke all over themselves every Monday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday night. So, we take it upon ourselves to offer up a steaming hot plate of super sober funtivities:
The restaurants in this category are less than enjoyable. The food is not necessarily bad, but like taking orgo, it will leave you bored, tired, and wanting to be drunk.
Tags: Al's Deli, burger, Burger King, BYOB, Campus, Chili's, climax, community, Cozy Noodles, Creperie Saint-Germain, dining, drunk, eating out, economic free-fall, Edzo's, Evanston, gasm, Greek Fire Grill, ID policy, Jimmy Johns, JK Sweet's, John Wayne, jokes, Joyee's, Los Angeles, Manua Hiki-Hiki, Mario Batali, mini-gasm, Mohawk Vodka, Morty, Morty Schapiro, mouthgasm, national debt, Northwestern, notable mention, oral, orgo, pan-asian, Plexican Night at Plex, restaurants, Sad Bones Malone, San Diego, San Francisco, so nice I came twice, sober, Special brownies, The Keg, The Script, Time to change your pants, Todoroki, upper-middle class, Wings Over Evanston, Zoba Noodle
There was once a time when history was regarded with reverence and esteem. Then the History Channel aired “Ice Road Truckers,” and since then, it has been hard for anyone to take history seriously. That being said, we still view history as an important part of our heritage that must be studied and understood. And by “studied and understood,” we of course mean “examined to establish which historical events would be funniest if all parties involved were shitfaced.” Here at Sherman Ave, history and drinking go together like, well, Mohawk rum and CVS-brand soda. Thus, we proudly present to you the 10 events in world history that totally should have been pregamed.10. The Travels of Marco Polo
As anybody who ever made the excruciating journey from the Keg to the mystical and foreign land of Burger King can attest, drunk adventures just tend to be more interesting than sober travels. Just imagine if Marco Polo had downed two bottles of wine before setting out from Venice! The young guido would probably embark on a series of raucous adventures throughout his travels, recording everything from his first encounters with Asian fusion cuisine in the land of Joy Yee to an ill-fated attempt to skinny dip in the Arabian Sea in an incomprehensibly ungrammatical text message sent to his roommate at three in the morning. The next day, Marco Polo would be way too hungover to feel dismayed by the revelation that, after being carried like three miles by his friends to the Yuan court, Polo used the sacred oil from Jerusalem entrusted to him by Gregory X to introduce the Mongolian Empire to waffle fries before promptly vomiting on Kublai Khan’s lap.
9. The Storming of the Bastille
On July 14, 1789, a bunch of disgruntled poor French people massed upon the Bastille, a large prison known for holding political prisoners. If you think about it, there are only three explanations for masses of people converging on a public place — they’re angry, they’re drunk, or they’re in the Jai Ho music video. Regrettably, seeing as the French were mostly angry in this scenario; they really should have been drunk. Simply compare the nature of angry public gatherings and drunken public gatherings. Angry public gatherings include Occupy Wall Street, Tiananmen Square, and Nazi book burnings. Drunken public gatherings include Snoop Dogg concerts, St. Patrick’s Day, and the celebration of Osama bin Laden’s death. You decide which you find preferable. Besides, A Tale of Two Cities would just be so much more interesting if Madame Lafarge was vomiting uncontrollably in every scene.
8. The Defenestration of Prague
Like anybody needs much provocation to drink in order to escape the infernal bleakness of Eastern Europe. But I usually do need to be at least a couple of shots of absinthe deep before I defend my religious freedom by shoving Catholics out of a third floor window into a pit of manure. Not to mention, a good pregame would have added a whole other layer to the term “getting shit-faced.”
Which Crusades? ALL OF THEM. ALL OF THE CRUSADES SHOULD HAVE BEEN PREGAMED. Okay, it’s like a road trip, but you can be as sloshy-slosh as you want, because you don’t have to worry about getting a DUI (unless the Holy Roman Empire stringently enforced horse-riding sobriety). Besides, there is no better instigator of belligerent shenanigans than Pope Urban II’s famous declaration, “God wills it!” That’s just asking to be misinterpreted for fratty purposes. Fifteen shots in an hour? God wills it! Eight consecutive kegstands? God wills it! Seriously, if someone walked up to me tomorrow and said “Hey, God wants us to get incredibly blitzed and then go ride a horse from Rome to Jerusalem,” I would instantly buy the necessary supplies. Then I’d probably proceed to buy a bible, to double-check the whole divine mandate thing.
6. Marx Writes the Communist Manifesto
Alcoholism becomes much easier when it’s supported by a good old-fashioned dialectical materialist ideology. A tipsy Marx after an unlucky game of Drunkopoly would undoubtedly replace his theories of Das Kapital with Das Boot, the class struggle with the timeless struggle for consciousness, and the stateless society the ideal of a pants-less society. His manuscript — hastily scrawled on the back of a cocktail napkin — would ignite rebels everywhere with its message, resulting in a series of idealistic revolutions calling for the redistribution of Miller High Life among the proletariat but rapidly degenerating into a dystopian shitshow of Adele lyrics in the gulag of Fran’s Cafe.
5. Hannibal Leading His Army Over the Alps
When I’m plastered, there are only two things I want: Guacamole and Elephants. I have some doubts about the guacamole rations in the Carthaginian army, but there were definitely some fucking elephants. They’re just so large! In that state of mind, it’s difficult to perceive objects larger than the distance between Burger King and 7/11. An elephant would just be mind-blowing. Furthermore, there are tons of fun activities to do in the Alps: skiing, snowboarding, sledding, making snow angels, having snowball fights with fellow Carthaginian soldiers, walking behind Hannibal and quietly muttering lines from “Silence of the Lambs,” etc. If someone just told me to march over an entire mountain range, I’d be pretty miffed, but if someone had me do a power hour and then said “Let’s go hiking!” I’d take the bait like a middle-aged housewife at Herman Cain’s mansion.
Tensions might have ran high in the Rouen courtroom as the Maid of Orléans was tried for heresy, but that’s nothing a little Smirnoff chased by a slap can’t solve! If only the Bishop Cauchon had pregamed, the interrogation would have devolved from religious inquiry to a saucy game of “Never Have I Ever,” with questions mostly pertaining to Joan’s fantasies about the Dauphin and her penchant for cross-dressing. Joan of Arc will then famously proceed to declare to the courtroom, “I do not think I am in mortal sin, and if I am, it is for God and the priest in confession to know that I used the pages of Ezekial 23: 19-20 to roll the biggest joint Charles VII ever saw!” The trial would inevitably end with the pronouncement that the patron saint of France was “one righteous motherfucker” before burning her at the stake and cooking escargot over her smoldering ashes.
3. The Arrival of Cortez in Mexico
I’ll be the first to admit: When I’ve have too much to drink, I’m very friendly. Best friends are inundated with hugs, acquaintances are equally inundated with hugs, and the quiet Korean girl from my Econ discussion probably sustains a fairly serious spinal injury from the amount and magnitude of the hugs with which she is inundated. But even in all of my drunken affection, I very rarely greet a stranger and jump to the conclusion that they are the god Quetzalcoatl. There was that one time, but she had a very oddly proportioned face, and I couldn’t come up with any other explanation for it. Ultimately, Montezuma and his Aztec cronies should have heavily pregamed the arrival of Cortez, if for no other reason than to justify their absurd actions (just think if only Cortez had been entranced by the Aztec’s gold tequila rather than the golden buildings of Tenochtitlan). I’d have to be incredibly trashed to give a stranger the keys to the capital city of my civilization, even though I was once trashed enough to lock the keys in the car at 2:30 in the morning after drunkenly transporting a couch through several blocks of downtown Evanston.
2. The Construction of Stonehenge
Seeing as its pretty easy to build Stonehenge in the opening of Civilization IV, I can only assume that the Druids were pretty far gone when they built one the most complex monuments of the Stone Age. I mean, you’d kind of have to be three sheets to the wind to agree to lug 25-ton rocks from a Welsh quarry to some testament for the enterprising spirit of man. Assuming the Druids were drunk on mead, there are few explanations remaining for the memorial. My guess is that they either built a fast-food restaurant catering to students’ late-night culinary needs, or else a bar with a lax ID policy and stripper poles on the dance floor.
You may not have ever thought to pregame an entire nation, but it seems like the only appropriate thing to do. I’d really like to isolate a single event in Russian history that needs to be pregamed more than the others, but that is simply a Sisyphean task. Conclusion: Nothing in or relating to Russia should ever involve sobriety. Therefore, instead of painstakingly listing every event in Russian history, I present to you: “History of Russia: The Drinking Game!”
• Drink every time Russia is invaded in the winter against the invader’s better judgment
• Drink every time a prominent politician is sent to a gulag
• Drink every time Brezhnev’s eyebrows appear in an intricate nightmare of yours
• Drink every time Putin shares an uncomfortably intimate moment with a wild animal
• Drink every time Tolstoy and/or Dostoevsky makes you lose faith in everything, LITERALLY EVERYTHING
• Drink every time Tchaikovsky tries to suppress his latent homosexuality
• Drink every time a Russian leader tries to expand executive power
o Drink twice if it’s Putin
• Waterfall from 1917-1991
Tags: 19-20, 7/11, A Tale of Two Cities, absinthe, Adele, adventures, alcoholism, all of them, alps, angry, Arabian Sea, army, ashes, asian, Asian fusion, Aztec, badass, bar, Bible, Bishop Cauchon, bleak, blitzed, Brezhnev, Brezhnev's eyebrows, Burger King, car, Cartthaginian army, Catholics, celebration, Charles VII, civilization, Civilization IV, class struggle, coctail napkin, Communist Manifesto, construction, Cortez, couch, court, courtroom, cross-dressing, cuisine, CVS-Brand Soda, Czechoslovakia, dance floor, das boot, das kapital, Dauphin, death, defenestration, dialectical materialist, disgruntled, divine mandate, Dostoevsky, driniking game, drinking, Druids, drunk, drunken affection, drunkopoly, DUI, dystopian, Eastern Europe, Econ discussion, elephants, England, escargot, esteem, Evander Jones, Evanston, executive power, eyebrows, Ezekial 23, faith, fantasies, fast food, foregin, Fran's Cafe, fratty purposes, French people, friendly, fucking elephants, god, God Wills It, gold tequila, Gregory X, guacamole, guido, gulag, Hannibal, heresy, Herman Cain, hiking, history, History Channel, Holy Roman Empire, horse riding, hugs, hungover, Ice Road Truckers, ID policy, idealistic, ideology, interrogation, invaded, Jai Ho, Jerusalem, Joan of Arc, joint, journey, Joy Yee, judgment, kegstands, keys, Korean girl, Kublai Khan, land, latent homosexuality, lyrics, Madame Lafarge, Maid of Orleans, manure, manuscript, Marco Polo, Marx, masses of people, mead, Mexico, middle-aged housewife, Miller High Life, Mohawk Rum, Mongol Empire, Montezuma, mortal sin, motherfucker, music video, nation, Nazi book burnings, never have I ever, Northwestern, NU, Occupy Wall Street, Osama Bin Laden, pants-less, political prisoners, politician, poor, Pope Urban II, pregame, pregamed, priest, prison, Putin, quarry, Quetzalcoatl, raucous, rebels, redistribution, religious freedom, restaurant, reverence, revolutions, rocks, Rome, roommate, Ross Packingham, Rouen, Russia, Russia: The Drinking Game!, Russian drinking game, sacred oil, seriously, Sherman Ave, shitfaced, shitshow, shots, Silence of the Lambs, skiing, Skinny Dip, slap, sledding, sloshy-slosh, Smirnoff, Snoop Dogg concert, snow angels, snowball fights, snowboarding, sober, sobriety, spinal injury, spirit of man, St. Patrick's Day, stateless society, Stone Age, Stonehenge, storming, storming of the bastille, stripper poles, struggle for sobriety, study, Tchhaikovsky, Tenochtitlan, testament, text message, The Bastille, the Crusades, the defenestration of prague, The Keg, three sheets to the wind, Tiananmen Square, Tolstoy, travels, trial, understood, Vencie, waffle fries, Wales, waterfall, wild animal, window, wine, World History, Yuan
NOTE: According to the Illinois Liquor Control Act of 1934, no person under the age of 21 years old may purchase, drink or possess any alcoholic beverage. Therefore, I would like to ask anyone under 21 years of age to stop reading this post and go back to watching Dora the Explorer or whatever the fuck you children do. I would also like to point out that while this post is intended for incoming freshman, I am assuming that the vast majority of freshman took three consecutive gap-years (The Gapfecta) and are currently 21.
Now then. Care to Party Rock?
Tags: 1934, 21, 21 years old, alkeehall, apartment parties, appealing, awesome friends, bars, Bobb, booze, boxed wine, brother, classy, cleavage, coherence demanding assholes, college, contact drunk, Cook County, crappy beer, dance floor, dangerous, Deciding what to drink, Dillo Day, discussion section, don't be a dick, door duty, doorman, Dora the Explorer, dorm room, drunken idiots, Eye-bang, Finding a Party, fraternity house, freeloading freshmen, fresh situation, freshman bitchezzz, Freshman Freeze, Freshman Guide, freshmen, Fridge, friend request, fruit juice, future business leaders, gap years, gapfecta, Gender Studies, Getting into the party, grain alcohol, Greek Life, hard alcohol, heinous, How to Party Like a Wildcat, Illinois Liquor Control Act, imbibe, incoming freshman, jungle juice, keggers, Levi Johnston, mixer, Morty, Morty Schapiro, no class, no expectation of sobriety, no homework, no testicles, northern suburbs, Northwestern, NU, NU social scene, off-campus house, PA group, parties, party, Party Rock, party scene, rage-a-thon, rage-tastic, raging continuously, rights of drunk americans, shenanigans, Sheridan Road, Sherman Ave, shooters, sloppy, sober, SoCo drunk, soda, sorostitute, sugar, University, University of Iowa, week, What to do at the party, Wildcat Welcome Board of Directors, Wildcat Welcome Week, Wildcats
- Assaulting a worker at Dunkin' after he said I couldn't have another coolatta is the worst way I have been put on disciplinary probation. 3 hours ago
- College Student Discovers Deodorant Not Substitute for Shower | sherman-ave.com/2014/04/24/col… 4 hours ago
- Seeing the guy next to you skimming KFC.com instead of Facebook is a strong affirmation that you're in the right distro 5 hours ago
- Apparently blasting the Psycho violin screech when my roommate leaves her boyfriend and me in the room together is "not kosher" 20 hours ago
- Freshman discovers that he does not, in fact, LOVE his first year roommate sherman-ave.com/2014/04/23/fre… 23 hours ago
- SororityChick69 Releases Official Frat Rankings on CollegiateACB
- Freshman Realizes Deep Hatred of Roommate
- 12 Brutally Honest Responses to Give to an Acquaintance Who Asks You "How's It Going?"
- College Student Discovers Deodorant Not Substitute for Shower
- Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Icebreakers
- Facebook Chat Complements ‘Seen’ Feature With a ‘Seen the Seen’ Feature
- Reality vs Expectations: the College Classroom Edition
- Top 5 Reasons Ben Gibbard and Zooey Deschanel Got Divorced
- An Open Letter to the Northwestern Class of 2018
- Selena Gomez arrives on campus; lives are ruined
- Alabaster Chevrolet
- Sad Bones Malone
- Bristol Bacchus
- Charlotte Clunt
- Tabitha McHunter
- Clifford Scarlet
- Commandant Leo Sextoi
- Cobra Lederham
- Codine Banks
- Reverend Doctor Dee Dee Turlington, Esquire, Attorney At Law
- Detroit Slim
- Doctor Tattersail
- Dolphintail Espinoza
- Elder Tickles
- Eleanor Kinkervoss
- Evander Jones
- Felicity Jenkins
- Felix Jortex
- Frank, The Guardian of Pain
- Ammonia$ta Dribbling
- Gary Brownstein
- Ginger LeatherDream
- Blaise Bernard
- Genghis Conway
- Jasper Cartwright
- Silvio Girthlessconi
- Clint Taurus
- ~Lady Keystone~
- Toaster Oven
- Manua Hiki-Hiki
- Hudson River
- Jasper Cartwright
- Sir Edward Twattingworth III
- Norman Stein
- Ross Packingham
- Patrick Jewing
- Lumberjack Steve
- Petunia Cracksparkler
- Phil Dickelson
- Pip Sleazy
- Prof. J. Reginald Vandernips
- Prince Giblets
- Andy Holden
- Dominick Sackhandler
- Jameson the Manatee
- Samwise Donkenstein
- Scurvy Jacobson
- Sherman Ave
- Chenny Ng
- Smangston Hughes
- Sparky Brownwhistle
- Sperry Mae Woodpecker
- Gwyneth Effingmouth
- Marietta Von Festering
- Walter Klondike™