Bonus: Norris can double as a Soviet bunker circa 1977!
Rumor has it that Northwestern is full of nerds, but I bet you’re thinking that the class of 2017 is gonna be different. “We’ll socialize!” you say, “We’ll never set foot in the library!”, “We’ll skip office hours to go to impromptu jam sessions on the lakefill!”
Ah, how grand it is to be young and naive. I bet you also think that, during all of your so-called ‘free time,’ you’ll spend hours laughing and being merry with friends in the student union, pausing from your leisure only to accept a beer from your waiter, or to play with one of the freely roaming puppies.
I’m here to burst your bubble and tell you that Norris is nothing like the heavenly place you have been dreaming about.
Pictured: Starbucks barista, shortly before leaving because she “can’t handle this shit”
It’s day four of finals week and the Norbucks baristas have called it quits until their environment improves. One barista was verbally assaulted by an HPME sophomore after putting a round frappuccino cap on his regular iced coffee.
“I told him we were out of the regular caps, but he didn’t care. I have never seen such rage, and I am honestly scared for the safety of myself and my coworkers,” reported the barista, who wishes to remain anonymous but wants to clarify that she isn’t Anthony.
It comes to no surprise that the Norbucks baristas can become the punching bag for stressed out undergrads during finals week. Caffeine for many is the door to success, and it is the baristas who hold the key. After waiting in long lines to get their fix, even the little things can set students off; one girl almost broke down in a full tantrum after she was told their was no artificial sweetener for her venti skinny vanilla latte steamed at children’s temperature.
“I told her using nonfat milk alone cut down on calories, but she couldn’t hear me over the sounds of her own wailing,” said the barista.
“Every day this week has been a nightmare. The thing students don’t realize is that we get stressed out too! Do you know how hard it is to guess which spelling of Caitlin is the correct one? I shouldn’t have to hold my breath as I anticipate the explosion that can occur after misspelling someone’s name. We’re all human here,” said another barista.
The Norbucks workers refuse to work. They turned the lights of their little cart off until they get the respect they think they deserve. Sadly, the community only anticipates greater animosity. The Norris Center is looking to the NUPD for help to ensure the safety of these baristas and their families in anticipation of a student-led witch hunt to find these employees, throw them over their shoulders, carry them back to their tiny work space, and demand a grande iced vanilla bean caramel mocha frap with a double shot of espresso.