Pictured: The greatest philosopher of our time.
My dick cost a late night fee
Your dick got the HIV
Beginning his song with a bang, Avalon wastes no time in getting to the heart of social issues. He first promotes his member, pointing out that others would even pay money for it. Yet, Avalon slyly differentiates himself from a prostitute, reminding listeners that it is us, not him, who have the HIV. By making this claim, he assigns to himself a high level of social status and desirability, going on to condemn his audience for having a disease with a great amount of social stigma.
My dick plays on the double feature screen
Your dick went straight to DVD
By likening his dick to something that shows on a double feature screen, Avalon characterizes it as a hot commodity. People come from all over town and pay high prices to see Avalon’s dick. Us, however? We would never get the pleasure of having our dick played on the big screen. Nay, our dick is only sold on DVD. And not as a $21.99 DVD sold in Barnes and Noble; we’re talking a $2.99 DVD sold in the giant bin in Walmart.
My dick – bigger than a bridge
Your dick look like a little kid’s
We live in a society in which bigger means better, and this tenet doesn’t waver when it comes to dicks. Avalon subtly hints at this deeply embedded cultural value, hyperbolizing this widespread preference in a very accessible manner: dick size. Needless to say, Mickey Avalon’s dick is not the size of a bridge, and even if it were, in no way could it be bigger than a bridge. By drawing such a drastically large contrast between a bridge-sized dick and a kid-sized dick, Avalon makes his point abundantly clear.
My dick – large like the Chargers, the whole team
Your shit look like you fourteen
At this point in the song, Avalon begins solidifying some of the rhetorical devices he uses to make his argument clear. The repeated anaphora, “My dick…your dick…” continues, giving the audience a structure by which they can better grasp the song. Furthermore, he makes a repeated analogy of his audience’s dick to a child’s, first by saying it “looks like a kid’s”, and now getting more specific by saying it looks like the dick of a fourteen-year-old, which is presumably pretty small. The reference to the San Diego Chargers is interesting, because the Chargers aren’t very good at football.
My dick – locked in a cage, right
Your dick suffer from stage fright
In this passage, Avalon talks up his dick by describing how it is “locked in a cage.” This is likely implying that his dick is so strong, so powerful that it can only be contained behind bars. He throws this into stark contrast with his audience’s dick, which is so meek and feeble that it has stage fright, undergoing nervous attacks at the sight of other people.
My dick – so hot, it’s stolen
Your dick look like Gary Coleman
It seems more than likely that his dick is “stolen” in a metaphorical sense, but not a literal one. But still, his dick is “so hot, it’s stolen,” suggesting again that his dick is a widely revered and desired entity. Unfortunately, for his audience the prospect of such an amazing dick is distant, as we are stuck with a dick that looks like the late child star Gary Coleman.
My dick – pink and big
Your dick stinks like shit
In this phrase, Avalon begins to delve into a thorough examination of our heteronormative society and the effects that has on dicks. He describes his dick as “pink and big,” and yet, pink is neither masculine nor commonly used to refer to the male genitalia. In fact, it’s often used to refer to the female genitalia. Oddly enough, Avalon then reinforces gender norms by lambasting his audience because their dick “stinks like shit,” implying an act of sodomy.
My dick got a Caesar do,
Your dick needs a tweezer, dude
Avalon proudly touts the manner in which his dick’s hair has been styled. I am personally unsure of what a “Caesar do” is, but I like to think that it literally is a dick with the hair of Julius Caesar, as modeled in one of his busts. It seems interesting, though, that Avalon assigns such positive value to pubic hair, even though many see it as a drawback or even a dealbreaker. Regardless, using his outlined framework by which pubic hair is viewed as a symbol of prominence and virility, Avalon wastes no time in criticizing his audience, highlighting the fact that their member is so small that they require a tweezer to utilize it. It is safe to assume that, with such small genitalia, one couldn’t even concern themselves with this sought-after notion of pubic hair.
My dick is like super size
Your dick look like two fries
By alluding to the McDonald’s Corporation, Avalon is making a series of lofty implications about his genitals. As the pioneer of the fast food industry and one of today’s foremost global corporations, McDonald’s serves as a steady symbol of strength, power, and success – values Avalon would readily associate with his genitals. Yet, he uses that imagery to taunt the listener. Two fries, arguably even the two fries that comprise McDonald’s iconic “Double Arches” logo, is such a meager portion of McDonald’s impressive portfolio that, by comparison, the reader’s dick is really, really small and insignificant.
My dick – more mass than the Earth
Your dick – half staff, it needs work
Here, the author chooses to make a comparison that is relevant to all of us: a comparison to our planet. If one takes just a brief moment to fathom the vast expanse that is our planet, it seems to be a bold claim – daresay even a laughable one – that his dick has more mass than Earth, which is spherical and 24,000 miles in circumference. Even if Avalon’s dick were as dense as the Earth, it would have to be larger than our massive terrestrial body in order to outdo it in mass. But Avalon has established himself throughout this piece as a credibly large-dicked man, so we are forced to take his word. And as if it weren’t enough to have a huge member, he belittles his audience by using fractions to define theirs.
My dick – been there done that
Your dick sits there with dunce cap
It is an indisputable truth that in our world, seniority and experience equates to power. Avalon reminds us of this reality by framing it from the perspective of — you guessed it — his dick. He points out that his dick has enjoyed a wealth of experiences, while implying that the audience’s dick is a half-wit, sitting in a dunce cap. This phrase is a fascinating roundabout rejection of the theory that knowledge is purely relative to one’s environment. Many might suggest that the audience’s dick is, in fact, quite intelligent, but owns a different set of skills and knowledge, but Avalon vehemently denies this notion.
My dick – V.I.P.
Your shit needs I.D.
This phrase is much more straightforward than much of the song. The author paints us a picture of an event – a nightclub, or perhaps the American Airlines Admirals’ Club. Avalon suggests that, if his dick were to attempt to enter such a selective establishment, it would be given prime treatment as a very important person. The audience’s dick, however, would not even be able to get in without showing identification. The audience’s dick is a nobody, a lost soul; it yearns for recognition and popularity, but knows deep down inside (lol) that it will not ever reach the status of Avalon’s dick.
It’s time that we let the world know
Dude, you gotta let your girl go
D.S. is the best in the business
P.S. we got dicks like Jesus
This cryptic passage offers a confusing but rousing chorus. Avalon is so thrilled with the robust and glorious nature of his dick that he can’t resist shouting it to the world! He refers to some character named D.S. who is apparently the “best in the business,” but who is D.S.? Probably Donna Summers. Anyway. The most striking line of this chorus is without doubt his allusion to Jesus, as he proclaims that him and his accomplice (maybe D.S.) “got dicks like Jesus.” Are they comparing their appendages to the savior himself, or to his appendage? The world may never know. But this line remains powerful; Avalon characterizes his dick as being legendary and iconic, but also having experienced terrible struggle and strife. Truly beautiful.
Yes, there are more lyrics. But let’s be real. I don’t want to write about them, and you don’t want to read about them