Tag Archives: Herman Cain

The 5 Artists Most Likely to Fill the Final Two Dillo Day Slots

14 May

As Dillo Day approaches, the Northwestern Student body at large is counting the days and wondering: who will be the final two acts?  With the announcements that both Walk the Moon and Danny Brown will be performing, along with the expected announcement of Smash Mouth, students and arbitrary townies of Evanston now wait with baited breath to learn who else will be whetting their Dillo palates.  After extensive research and multiple FOIA requests, we at Sherman Ave have narrowed the list of potential performers down to five artists who we believe, while they may not all be fan favorites, are the acts that are most likely to fill those spots.  In no particular order:

“Daft Punk has a new album coming out?  I didn’t know that!” - Nobody

“Daft Punk has a new album coming out? I didn’t know that!” – Nobody

1. Daft Punk
With their new album Random Access Memories set for a May 17th release, what better place to promote it than at the spring festival for a medium-sized private university in Evanston, Illinois?  Not only would Dillo Day be excellent exposure for the grossly under-promoted French electronic duo, but such a gig would be a great platform from which to kick off a surprise tour of North America.  Daft Punk would most likely be the nighttime headliner, and, not to editorialize, but such a slot could prove problematic for the duo, as they would have to fill the very large shoes of last year’s nighttime headliner, Steve Aoki.  Speaking of which…

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Mittuational Comedies: Possible Ideas for Mitt Romney’s New BET Sitcom

12 Jul

Tyler Perry Presents: Mitt Romney’s White House of Payne

Have you ever imagined what it would be like for Mitt Romney to have his own sitcom — or rather, Mitt-com — on BET? I mean really thought it about? Well we hear at Sherman Ave have thought about it in great detail, and we have decided to share our best ideas for such an amazing creation, with you, our loyal followers. Here is a list of the best Mitt-coms the minds of Sherman Ave (and its contributors) could create:

Disclaimer: Heinous amounts of puns and rhyming are contained in this article.

“Mitt in Pitt:” Mitt Romney lives with Wiz Khalifa in the inner city of Pittsburgh, getting into all sorts of “shenanigans” in their quest for some dank shit and foreign policy experience. (Possible Line: “Kush? Is that, like, related to a couch cushion or something?”)

“That Mitt Cray:” Mitt Romney and Ann Romney are the game-makers as their five children compete to the death in the corporate arena. Whoever makes the most money gets to take healthcare away from the others!
-Sir Edward Twattingworth III

“Ball and Mitt:” Mitt is a retired baseball player trying to live vicariously through his son’s tee ball team.
-Big Spoon

“Mittriol:” Mitt gets mad. All the time. At everyone.
-Shtick Rick

“Ain’t That Some Mitt:” Mitt Romney is the (supposedly) lovable boss of a local struggling grocery store, constantly cutting employees and their benefits and attempting to get them to like him in the process.

“Hot Shhhhh-M-itt!:” Mitt Romney travels through America’s heartland, visiting the small businesses that make our country great, culminating in a shot in which he points at the product/service in question and stiffly delivers, to everyone’s mild discomfort, his catchphrase, “That’s some hot sh-Mitt!”
-The Artist Formerly (And Presently) Known as Kai

‎”ForMITTable Opponent:” Mitt tries to take on professional athletes, scientists, and others in their respective professions (Spoiler Alert: He fires anyone who doesn’t let him win).

“The CoMITTern:” Mitt goes back in time to 1919 and partakes in Lenin’s Communist International First World Conference to learn the true meaning of Socialism.
-Evander Jones

“Stuck in the MITTle with You:” Mitt Romney works as a city relationship consultant, trying to get couples to realize that the faults of their relationships are just due to the fact that they have not cut enough of the excess expenditures out of their day-to-day lives — like eating.

“Acquit Mitt:” A legal dramatic comedy starring Mitt Romney as an ace attorney who can solve any case, buoyed by an ensemble cast of black stereotypes.
-Sad Bones Malone

“That Mitt Spit:” Mitt Romney tries to make a name for himself in the underground rap circuit (and comes up with a surprising amount of rhymes for trickle-down economics).

“Misfit Mitt:” Mitt Romney hangs out with a bunch of black people. This is probably the simplest one. And honestly? The funniest.
-Sad Bones Malone

“Mitt-town Girls:” Mitt plays the lovable friend of 2 beautiful 20-something working girls. They think he’s gay, but he’s really just sensitive, awkward, and a devout Mormon.
-Commandant Leo Sextoi

“Unfit Mitt:” A sitcom depicting if Mitt Romney won the 2012 Presidential Election, and his subsequent misadventures in office.
-Sad Bones Malone

And I like my photo-ops stiff and contrived.

“I Like Mitt Sunny-Side Up:”Mitt Romney works as a chef at a Philadelphia 24-hour diner. Starring Sherman Hemsley as the owner and Donald Glover as Mitt’s outlandish best-friend and co-worker (Tagline: The customers at this restaurant like their soup served with Crackers).

“Mittrro 2033:” Based VERYYY loosely on the cult classic horror videogame, Mitt plays a subway station administrator from the future who must fight off hordes of zombies. The catch? He’s actually hallucinating from the fumes in the metro station, causing him to believe they’re zombies when they’re actually the wealthy commuters he has sworn to protect.
-Leo Sextoi

“In Deep Mitt:” Mitt Romney works at a local sewage company. The main theme: Mitt Romney covered in feces. Hilarity ensues.

“Her-mitt Talks:” Herman Cain and Mitt Romney swap stories about cooking, taxes, and their favorite boutiques.

I hope everyone enjoyed this as much as we enjoyed writing it. Let us all pray that the producers at BET get to work on at least one of these ideas because, let’s be honest, there are few things funnier than the awkwardness that is Mitt Romney around African-Americans.

If you have any other suggestions for possible Mitt-based BET Sitcoms, don’t hesitate to CALL ME MAYBE!

A first-hand account of Herman Cain’s visit to Northwestern

8 May

For those of you who have had the misfortune of not seeing one of the most trolled Facebook events of the 21st century, Herman Cain was brought to Northwestern by the College Republicans group on campus.  Immediately after hearing of this news, a vivid array of hypothetical situations fluttered through my mind, namely the lofty goal of dressing up in a pizza costume and rushing the stage.  There was never a shred of doubt that this event would be controversial, and there was only a minuscule shred of doubt that there would be a quote from the Pokemon movie; as I’ll explain later, that shred of doubt was unfounded.

Sadly, it wasn’t practical for me to violently pregame the event, thanks to midterms.  So instead, I just walked over to Fisk 217, the lecture hall I’ve historically associated with a balding Dutch man speaking in a monotone voice about Cap and Trade theory (we love you, Professor Hendrik “Mr. Potato Head” Spruyt).  As I sat down in my unnecessarily creaky seat, I was hit by a flash of genius:  I should live-tweet a Herman Cain speech!

Probably the most heinous live-tweeting since Evander Jones live-tweeted Space Jam

Regrettably, we were asked to turn off our phones before Mr. Cain took the stage, probably so they didn’t make noise when he sent dick pics to various young women in the audience.  It was sad to see my live-tweeting dreams be crushed, but at least they weren’t crushed as aggressively as Herman Cain’s campaign was.

After a quick video was unsuccessfully featured (it froze halfway and people really just didn’t seem surprised), the Category 5 HermanCain took the stage to roaring applause.  That was really awkward, because it indicated to me that I might be one of the only people who was coming to see Herman Cain ironically.

Four! I had four orders of Chicken Fries last night!

He started off his speech with some very rehearsed lines about dreams and success and other shit like that, which he performed as if it were a monologue from King Lear.  He then moved on to recounting his career — this took about twenty minutes, and was basically him power-tripping about his success in turning a profit on some Burger King franchises in Philadelphia.  He clearly doesn’t understand that we’re all well-acquainted with the most profitable Burger King location in the US, and couldn’t give two shits about any Burger King sites that aren’t automatically associated with the utmost drunken debauchery.

But things didn’t get really awkward until Cain starting discussing his actual politics.  The intellectual tension in the room could be cut with a knife, as everyone seemed to realize simultaneously that Herman Cain knows jack shit about foreign policy.  Among the most uncomfortable moments was when Cain proclaimed unequivocally that Germany lost World War II because they ran out of oil – a statement that, to his credit, probably goes over well with the semi-literate mountain people that attend Tea Party rallies.  However, right as the words came out of his mouth, there was a quiet buzz around the room, as everyone turned to their neighbor and whispered something along the lines of “That’s completely fucking wrong.”  He effectively dispelled any doubts of his knowledge by noticing this buzz and following up with, “Wait, am I thinking of the wrong war?”

At another point toward the end of his speech, he stated off-handedly that “the 9-9-9 tax plan will fix the economy.”  He didn’t bother elaborating on this whatsoever, but instead directed us to his website where, in his words, “there’s a five-minute video about it.”  We were all super convinced, and I’m definitely writing in Cain 2012.

Perhaps the most uneasy moment of the speech was when he talked about energy dependence, and loudly voiced his opinions that we shouldn’t be so reliant upon the “sheiks, shakes, and shikes” of the Middle East.  Following this statement, I viciously pinched my arm 1o to 12 times, convinced that this was actually just one of my many fucked-up dreams.  It wasn’t.

And then he closed with what we now know to be his favorite Pokemon quote.  Honestly, at this point I was in so much disbelief that I was temporarily paralyzed.  Like, I couldn’t actually move, I was just so transfixed by Herman Cain’s complete absurdity.

I didn’t stay for questions.

Santorum Quits GOP Race, Presumably to Sew Sleeves on to his Sweater Vests

10 Apr

"What is this 'science' of which you speak?"

Rick Santorum, a Republican “candidate” for “president” announced today that he’s suspending his campaign and effectively dropping out. This comes just weeks before a do-or-die primary in his home state of Pennsylvania. Trailing in the polls in the Keystone State (not the fun kind of Keystone, sadface) and increasingly concerned that Mitt Romney’s robot clones had found his location, it was time for Santy to call it quits. Yes, despite the support of these nine intellectual heavyweights, R-Seezy is leaving the race, and will now find himself with a vast quantity of free time. What will Lil’ Ricky do with it? Here’s his to-do for the rest of his life, probably:

Sew sleeves onto this sweater vests

SantoRUM became famous during the campaign for wearing sweater vests, the article of clothing that’s perfect for people with cold torsos and sweaty forearms. Although these sweater vests almost definitely single-handedly won him the Iowa caucuses, you can’t wear clothes like that in the real world without being punched in the esophagus. ‘Slike, other people can see you bro. Where are your sleeves? Did you forget them at the stupid store where you bought that sweater? HAHA! So yeah, he’s gonna need to sew those sleeves back on.

This timeless battle of evil vs. evil will probably be made into a James Cameron movie by 2015.

Not judge gay people

Despite his statements comparing man-on-man sex (or as it’s more commonly known, “sex”) to man-on-dog sex, Sant-O-Rama loves to declare that he does not judge gay people. He insists he doesn’t hold their sinny sinny sins against them, he just likens them to bestiality. Like a rational human being. Presumably, he’ll set time aside each day to bring gay people to his house and inform them he does not judge them for all their value-ruining immoralnessocity. He’ll probably just let them know pre-DUI Amanda Bynes style that there’s a higher power that will judge them for their indecency.

Hunt down and mortally wound the Devil

Have you heard the news?! Earlier in the campaign, R!ck let us all know that the devil is here! He’s in the America! He’s coming for us and our children and Pippa! We must stand guard with constant vigilance or Lucifer himself will come enroll our children in public schools! But fear not, good people; Richard Q. Santorum is here to find and repeatedly stab Satan until he bleeds to death. Thank God there is no longer a presidential campaign to get in the way of this important work.

Throw a wish in the well

THIS IS CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There’s a chance, however small, that Mittens Romney will call Santorum maybe and ask him to be his vice president. With that in mind, Rick will be spending a significant chunk of the day throwing a wish in the well, but don’t ask him – he’ll never tell! What he doesn’t know, of course, is that if he reenacts too much of Carly Rae’s masterpiece, the guy at the end will be gay. In which case he’ll have time to not judge him! It’s like killing two birds with one stone, except without the violent murder of a living creature.

Re-enact the Hunger Games with the other GOP dropouts

Okay, if Rantorum can’t get this done, can someone else? Please? Literally, just imagine Michele Bachmann unleashing a hive of Tracker Jackers on Herman Cain as he binge eats pizza while Newt Gingrich smothers Rick Perry with his belly. Plus, there’s literally no way Jon Hunstman doesn’t win this one. Have you SEEN Huntsman with a bow and arrow? Yeah, me neither. But his name is HUNTsman so he’s totally at Katniss levels. THE BORING MODERATE ON FIIIIIIIIIRE!

Care for his ailing daughter

It appears that this, the most heinous of men, may have a completely unheinous and sympathetic reason for dropping out. The Ave sends nothing but the best of wishes, prayers, good vibes, karma, Avicii, pixie dust and Katy Perry to Bella and for a full recovery and long, happy life.

10 Events in World History That Totally Should Have Been Pregamed

2 Feb

There was once a time when history was regarded with reverence and esteem. Then the History Channel aired “Ice Road Truckers,” and since then, it has been hard for anyone to take history seriously. That being said, we still view history as an important part of our heritage that must be studied and understood. And by “studied and understood,” we of course mean “examined to establish which historical events would be funniest if all parties involved were shitfaced.” Here at Sherman Ave, history and drinking go together like, well, Mohawk rum and CVS-brand soda. Thus, we proudly present to you the 10 events in world history that totally should have been pregamed.

And you thought Northwestern students' Halloween costumes were offensive

10. The Travels of Marco Polo
As anybody who ever made the excruciating journey from the Keg to the mystical and foreign land of Burger King can attest, drunk adventures just tend to be more interesting than sober travels. Just imagine if Marco Polo had downed two bottles of wine before setting out from Venice! The young guido would probably embark on a series of raucous adventures throughout his travels, recording everything from his first encounters with Asian fusion cuisine in the land of Joy Yee to an ill-fated attempt to skinny dip in the Arabian Sea in an incomprehensibly ungrammatical text message sent to his roommate at three in the morning. The next day, Marco Polo would be way too hungover to feel dismayed by the revelation that, after being carried like three miles by his friends to the Yuan court, Polo used the sacred oil from Jerusalem entrusted to him by Gregory X to introduce the Mongolian Empire to waffle fries before promptly vomiting on Kublai Khan’s lap.

9. The Storming of the Bastille
On July 14, 1789, a bunch of disgruntled poor French people massed upon the Bastille, a large prison known for holding political prisoners. If you think about it, there are only three explanations for masses of people converging on a public place — they’re angry, they’re drunk, or they’re in the Jai Ho music video. Regrettably, seeing as the French were mostly angry in this scenario; they really should have been drunk. Simply compare the nature of angry public gatherings and drunken public gatherings. Angry public gatherings include Occupy Wall Street, Tiananmen Square, and Nazi book burnings. Drunken public gatherings include Snoop Dogg concerts, St. Patrick’s Day, and the celebration of Osama bin Laden’s death. You decide which you find preferable. Besides, A Tale of Two Cities would just be so much more interesting if Madame Lafarge was vomiting uncontrollably in every scene.

8. The Defenestration of Prague
Like anybody needs much provocation to drink in order to escape the infernal bleakness of Eastern Europe. But I usually do need to be at least a couple of shots of absinthe deep before I defend my religious freedom by shoving Catholics out of a third floor window into a pit of manure. Not to mention, a good pregame would have added a whole other layer to the term “getting shit-faced.”

Foam is beer!

7. The Crusades
Which Crusades? ALL OF THEM. ALL OF THE CRUSADES SHOULD HAVE BEEN PREGAMED. Okay, it’s like a road trip, but you can be as sloshy-slosh as you want, because you don’t have to worry about getting a DUI (unless the Holy Roman Empire stringently enforced horse-riding sobriety). Besides, there is no better instigator of belligerent shenanigans than Pope Urban II’s famous declaration, “God wills it!” That’s just asking to be misinterpreted for fratty purposes. Fifteen shots in an hour? God wills it! Eight consecutive kegstands? God wills it! Seriously, if someone walked up to me tomorrow and said “Hey, God wants us to get incredibly blitzed and then go ride a horse from Rome to Jerusalem,” I would instantly buy the necessary supplies. Then I’d probably proceed to buy a bible, to double-check the whole divine mandate thing.

6. Marx Writes the Communist Manifesto
Alcoholism becomes much easier when it’s supported by a good old-fashioned dialectical materialist ideology. A tipsy Marx after an unlucky game of Drunkopoly would undoubtedly replace his theories of Das Kapital with Das Boot, the class struggle with the timeless struggle for consciousness, and the stateless society the ideal of a pants-less society. His manuscript — hastily scrawled on the back of a cocktail napkin — would ignite rebels everywhere with its message, resulting in a series of idealistic revolutions calling for the redistribution of Miller High Life among the proletariat but rapidly degenerating into a dystopian shitshow of Adele lyrics in the gulag of Fran’s Cafe.

5. Hannibal Leading His Army Over the Alps
When I’m plastered, there are only two things I want: Guacamole and Elephants. I have some doubts about the guacamole rations in the Carthaginian army, but there were definitely some fucking elephants. They’re just so large! In that state of mind, it’s difficult to perceive objects larger than the distance between Burger King and 7/11. An elephant would just be mind-blowing. Furthermore, there are tons of fun activities to do in the Alps: skiing, snowboarding, sledding, making snow angels, having snowball fights with fellow Carthaginian soldiers, walking behind Hannibal and quietly muttering lines from “Silence of the Lambs,” etc. If someone just told me to march over an entire mountain range, I’d be pretty miffed, but if someone had me do a power hour and then said “Let’s go hiking!” I’d take the bait like a middle-aged housewife at Herman Cain’s mansion.

A thimblefull of tequila brings out her coquettish side

4. The Trial of Joan of Arc
Tensions might have ran high in the Rouen courtroom as the Maid of Orléans was tried for heresy, but that’s nothing a little Smirnoff chased by a slap can’t solve! If only the Bishop Cauchon had pregamed, the interrogation would have devolved from religious inquiry to a saucy game of “Never Have I Ever,” with questions mostly pertaining to Joan’s fantasies about the Dauphin and her penchant for cross-dressing. Joan of Arc will then famously proceed to declare to the courtroom, “I do not think I am in mortal sin, and if I am, it is for God and the priest in confession to know that I used the pages of Ezekial 23: 19-20 to roll the biggest joint Charles VII ever saw!” The trial would inevitably end with the pronouncement that the patron saint of France was “one righteous motherfucker” before burning her at the stake and cooking escargot over her smoldering ashes.

3. The Arrival of Cortez in Mexico
I’ll be the first to admit: When I’ve have too much to drink, I’m very friendly. Best friends are inundated with hugs, acquaintances are equally inundated with hugs, and the quiet Korean girl from my Econ discussion probably sustains a fairly serious spinal injury from the amount and magnitude of the hugs with which she is inundated. But even in all of my drunken affection, I very rarely greet a stranger and jump to the conclusion that they are the god Quetzalcoatl. There was that one time, but she had a very oddly proportioned face, and I couldn’t come up with any other explanation for it. Ultimately, Montezuma and his Aztec cronies should have heavily pregamed the arrival of Cortez, if for no other reason than to justify their absurd actions (just think if only Cortez had been entranced by the Aztec’s gold tequila rather than the golden buildings of Tenochtitlan). I’d have to be incredibly trashed to give a stranger the keys to the capital city of my civilization, even though I was once trashed enough to lock the keys in the car at 2:30 in the morning after drunkenly transporting a couch through several blocks of downtown Evanston.

2. The Construction of Stonehenge
Seeing as its pretty easy to build Stonehenge in the opening of Civilization IV, I can only assume that the Druids were pretty far gone when they built one the most complex monuments of the Stone Age. I mean, you’d kind of have to be three sheets to the wind to agree to lug 25-ton rocks from a Welsh quarry to some testament for the enterprising spirit of man. Assuming the Druids were drunk on mead, there are few explanations remaining for the memorial. My guess is that they either built a fast-food restaurant catering to students’ late-night culinary needs, or else a bar with a lax ID policy and stripper poles on the dance floor.

Drink every time a Russian model looks like this by the time she hits her mid-thirties?

1. Russia
You may not have ever thought to pregame an entire nation, but it seems like the only appropriate thing to do. I’d really like to isolate a single event in Russian history that needs to be pregamed more than the others, but that is simply a Sisyphean task. Conclusion: Nothing in or relating to Russia should ever involve sobriety. Therefore, instead of painstakingly listing every event in Russian history, I present to you: “History of Russia: The Drinking Game!”
• Drink every time Russia is invaded in the winter against the invader’s better judgment
• Drink every time a prominent politician is sent to a gulag
• Drink every time Brezhnev’s eyebrows appear in an intricate nightmare of yours
• Drink every time Putin shares an uncomfortably intimate moment with a wild animal
• Drink every time Tolstoy and/or Dostoevsky makes you lose faith in everything, LITERALLY EVERYTHING
• Drink every time Tchaikovsky tries to suppress his latent homosexuality
• Drink every time a Russian leader tries to expand executive power
o Drink twice if it’s Putin
• Waterfall from 1917-1991

-Ross Packingham and Evander Jones

Newt Gingrich, South Carolina, and the Abortion of My Career in Political Commentary

23 Jan

And I don't think I want to. Except for understanding your disproportionate ability to get laid.

The GOP primaries are like Chicago weather: completely, utterly, and insanely unpredictable.* Just when you think you understand the day-to-day realities of winter in Chicago, BAM!! Thunderstorm in January. Just when you think you’ve figured out the winner of the GOP nomination, BOOM! Newt wins South Carolina.

I mean, what the fuck, Newt? I thought we were done. I really did. I thought Silly Time was over and it was time for some Real Talk with Obama and Romney (or at the very least, an Al Green-themed The Voice-style sing-off). Not so fast. But I guess I should’ve seen this coming.

Here is a Facebook status I wrote a few months ago, when Newt Gingrich was polling in first place while his opponents floundered, as Herman Cain struggled to fight rape charges and Rick Perry struggled to remember things and Mitt Romney struggled to be interesting: “Newt Gingrich is in first place. That’s it. It’s all a farce. Let’s stop pretending that all of this is real. I throw up my hands.”

Newt polling in first was to the GOP race what Sam and Frodo reaching the end of the Shire was for LOTR. We were now farther from political sanity than we had ever been before, and there was no telling where we would be swept off to next.

Google his name. GOOGLE IT!!!

Two months later, Rick Santorum won Iowa.

Rick Santorum! His name has been successfully Google-bombed and EVERYBODY KNOWS IT and he still won Iowa!

I underestimated the GOP. And not in a “wow I underestimated how good this Nutella milkshake from Fran’s would be” kind of way. Oh no. It was a “the 1984 Portland Trail Blazers underestimated Michael Jordan so much they decided to draft Sam Bowie instead of him” kind of underestimation. Half of me understood that the Newt poll meant the Brotherhood of Dada had dragged us into an alternate universe where ‘politics’ was synonymous with ‘freakshow’ and words lost their meaning and anything was possible…but half of me kept thinking that every crazy development (“oops,” Herman Cain’s Pokémon obsession, Ron Paul’s status as the voice of reason) was the zenith of absurdity, that there remained no further depths to which we could plunge.

But you best believe Newt Gingrich always had an answer for me. Once again, for the record, in case you were too busy this weekend dancing to polka music or playing cards with guys who have the Teen Titans tattooed on their arm to hear about it, Newt won South Carolina! Once more for the record: aaaaahhhhhhhhh!

Is this year’s GOP race the result of some twisted alternate earth they dragged us into?

My last article was not only a celebration of the ridiculous hilarity of the GOP campaign, but also an elegy for that craziness, which I thought was about to vanish in a cloud of sanity. I thought Mitt finally had this all locked up after winning New Hampshire, and I was sure we were finally transitioning from Perry-Bachmann-Cain-Paul-Gingrich to Romney-Obama, to real political debates between two sane candidates. But then Newt charged back to metaphorically punch me in the mouth and remind me that America isn’t going to stop being a hot dysfunctional mess anytime soon.

My possible career in political commentary hasn’t even started and I’m already thinking of quitting forever. I just cannot wrap my head around Newt Gingrich. Can anybody? If you thought Rick Santorum was vulnerable to a casual Google search, try taking Newt’s name for a virtual walk some time. Newt probably has his closet bolted shut with a chair against the door and that still isn’t enough to keep the skeletons in. There is absolutely no possible way that Newt can win the GOP nomination, much less the presidency. But if this campaign has taught us anything, it’s that the possible is impossible and up is down and America is fucked up. In the real world, Newt could never win. But I don’t think we even live in the real world anymore.

Newt

My sense of surprise is utterly gone. For the rest of eternity I will believe any story, any event that involves the GOP. Nothing is too nonsensical for a party where Newt Gingrich is a viable candidate. I probably won’t even bat an eye when Bristol Palin wins the Iowa caucuses in four years and becomes the favorite to win the GOP nomination. The Republican Party has moved beyond my paltry comprehension ability.

I think I’m just gonna have to stick to the fiery anti-coffee invective. I can’t do this anymore.

——————————————————————————————————————————
*And for those of you scoring at home, “Chicago weather” is the third thing I’ve compared the GOP primaries to during my career. The list also includes Doctor Who and NBC’s Thursday night sitcom lineup.

Things That Rock: Republicans

18 Jan

Good to see you again. Sorry that it’s been so long since I last made you laugh, but I’ve had a tumultuous couple of weeks. You see, ever since I stole away from my monastery in the middle of the night (no, that ‘Brother’ in my name isn’t random) armed only with a box of tagalongs Peanut Butter Patties and a pair of hook swords, I have been mercilessly pursued by a cadre of cyborg zombie ninjas hell-bent on forcing me back to the monastery where I would be forced to eat beets and contemplate Godel Escher Bach alongside the other monks for the rest of eternity. Hell no. But now that I’m safely holed up in a top-secret bunker located miles beneath Ayers Rock, I’m free to write another article!

I'll miss this woman.

Luckily for all you raging optimists, this one is about something that’s awesome, as opposed to something that’s terrible. Even better, it’s about a ‘diamond in the rough’ sort of awesomeness that can be hard to appreciate if you take it too seriously.* In other words: this year’s Republican presidential primaries.

The GOP candidates (or as I like to call them, Mitt & Friends) have been so ubiquitous in our culture these last few months that I’m sure your mind was assailed with a flood of images and quotes and feelings as soon as you saw those words. Maybe they’ve made you angry or sad or scared for the future of America. But hell, they were entertaining, weren’t they?

Yes they were. Especially once it became clear that turds like Michele Bachmann had no chance of making the cut, it was fun to kick back and watch Rick Perry metaphorically poop himself on live TV or listen to Herman Cain quote the Pokemon movie after his past as a serial rapist was revealed.

Here’s how I parlayed the possible terror of these primaries into something enjoyable: Imagine you went in for a routine dentist checkup. You expect it to be as routine and uneventful as it always is when you go in for these appointments every four years, but surprise! Your dentist finds deep rot in some of your teeth. A root canal’s the only thing for it. Shit, you’ve got a nonrefundable one-way ticket to of the most infamously painful procedures ever conceived by doctors. Begin the nervous freakout.

What else to say about the awesomeness of the GOP primaries?

That root canal diagnosis (and the crippling fear that accompanied it on your part) was Bachmann winning the Ames Straw Poll, or perhaps Perry’s entry into the campaign as a veritable behemoth of money and charisma and prayer, plus former pizza CEO Herman Cain making the cover of Newsweek as the candidate to beat. Former pizza CEO! It sure looked like America was headed for an extremely painful procedure, wasn’t it?

But then a few days later, after you’ve spent several sleepless nights tossing and turning over your fate, you get a call from your dentist. He forgot to tell you: they’re going to knock you out for all of it. You won’t feel a thing. And painkillers being what they are these days, you’ll be right as rain within 24 hours.

For me, that brow-wiping ‘wheeeeeeeeeeew’ moment was the poll, one of the first after Cain and Perry and Bachmann had risen and fallen in the ratings like the figures on a merry go round (only if those figures were stupid clowns instead of the usual beautiful horses), that showed Newt Gingrich in first place. NEWT GINGRICH! FIRST PLACE! Good God, this man once impeached a president for infidelity while cheating on his second wife with a woman who ended up becoming his third wife, and later explained his extramarital affairs by saying that they were “partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country.” Yes! And he was in first place to be the Republican candidate for president! I had been almost scared to laugh at the primaries up to this point, like meeting a guy at a party who keeps nonsensically rambling about Clarence Thomas, only you don’t laugh because you can’t tell if he’s joking or drunk. But now Newt Gingrich was in first place! Turns out that guy was drunk and joking! Commence laughter!**

In a gold-in-the-sand kind of way, or perhaps in a we’ll-knock-you-out-for-the-entire-procedure kind of way, that subtle change in viewing the GOP primaries completely transforms the experience from frightening to hilarious. Once you don’t have to worry about finding a house in Canada (my personal Bachmann contingency plan), you can enjoy these video compilations of classic Bachmann quotes (complete with music!) and laugh at the complete absurdity of the existence of ‘classic Bachmann quotes.’ Once you don’t have to watch professional people seriously debate the 9-9-9 tax plan, you can enjoy the ceaseless stream of ridiculousness that is Herman Cain. Once Rick Santorum wins second place in the Iowa caucuses and opens the door to all sorts of Twitter-ready remarks about how Santorum is being spread in Iowa, it’s nothing but joy.

The man loves to get some tail.

I loved these primaries. From a comedy standpoint, there really was nothing better. How can you not love a primary campaign that spawned a website devoted to showcasing animals with Newt Gingrich?

Unfortunately, it looks like we’re going to be stuck with Romney vs. Obama for the next few months, two rational, intelligent, and capable men locked in learned debate. Being the heinous renegade monk that I am, I don’t really know what ‘learned debate’ means, but I’m guessing there will be fewer Pokemon quotes involved. I don’t know what I’m going to do for reality TV entertainment. I mean, maybe you can sit through an episode of the Steven Tyler American Idol, but I certainly can’t. But then again, you’re probably a better person than I am, as evidenced by the fact that you’re not currently on the lam from a cadre of cyborg zombie ninjas.

——————————————————————————————————————————
*Much like the cinematography of Wayne’s World 2.
**And the systematic destruction of any shred of decency that remained in Fran’s.

Who You Shouldn’t Be Buying Christmas Presents For

13 Dec

Christmas is the time of giving, as we’ve been constantly reminded by incomprehensibly cheerful Salvation Army bell-ringers and incomprehensibly bothersome commercials. (We get it, he went to Jared. Whooptee-fucking-doo.) However, there are times when giving is taken too far, and things just become awkward. To remedy this potential issue, we have drawn up a list of people for whom you definitely don’t need to buy gifts.

The greatest gift of them all

Your Last Hookup
Okay, so she was a good kisser. That’s fantastic. And she wasn’t as clingy as the last person with whom you hooked up, who you are pretty certain hired a private investigator to follow you. That’s even better. But this doesn’t mean your hook-up (let’s just refer to her from now on as “Jessica”) deserves a gift. With hook-ups, it’s just a slippery slope; one day you’re buying Jessica a moderately priced necklace, and the next day, she’s pregnant with your child. And not only do you now have to deal with that mess, but the necklace itself will only ever remind you and Jessica about those four and a half minutes of ominous, unemotional penetration. When it comes down to it, it’s just a waste of money.

Your TA
There’s no way to emerge victorious from this situation. I’m sorry, but a relationship built upon a foundation of discussions about GATT (or the Global Agreement on Trade and Tariffs, bitch) leaves no room for a thoughtful holiday gift. Besides, how would one ever know what gift to buy for their TA? The only thing I know my TA likes is asking incredibly vague questions and letting an inconceivably awkward silence simmer for 5 or 6 minutes until someone finally conjures up a bullshit answer. And that’s not something money can buy.

The Keg Bouncer
If you buy a Christmas present for someone, it implies that you have, at some level, a personal relationship with that person. Last time I checked, a “personal relationship” entails more one-on-one contact than seeing someone’s Wildcard on a bi-weekly basis. Otherwise a Keg bouncer would have more personal relationships than Herman Cain at a Victoria’s Secret.

Mitt Romney
The guy flip-flops so much you’d never have a clue what to get him. A pro-choice policy? A pro-life policy? You just don’t know. Besides, do Mormons even celebrate Christmas?

What do you get the man who owns every possible color of purple ties?

Morty Schapiro
This is a tricky one, because on the one hand, there is no one in the world that doesn’t owe Morty a gift. From Libyan rebels who President Schapiro helped when he killed Qaddafi to rural Congolese citizens who he helped when he permanently cured AIDS, Morty’s laudable actions have left no person untouched. On the other hand, however, there is nothing we can give Morty that he doesn’t already have. Unless you can somehow procure for him a restraining order from Sir Edward Twattingworth III.

Sir Edward Twattingworth III
We encourage all readers to avoid sending Christmas gifts to Sir T-worth because it will only perpetuate the unchecked power-trip around which he has modeled his life. Besides, I have it on good authority that he is already getting everything he wants – a Pippa Middleton blow-up doll and a beginner’s pole-dancing kit.

That Guy You Met in the SPAC Showers
This guy clearly does not need gifts from others. Remember that timeless holiday song? Twelve drummers drumming, eleven pipers piping, ten lords a-self-gratifying.

5 Quotes From the Pokémon Movie that Cain Probably Considered Using

10 Dec

Cain used "Grope." It's super effective

Last week, Republican presidential candidate and horny bastard Herman Cain announced the suspension of his campaign to a group of supporters (or as close to supporters as he gets) in his home state of Georgia. While the audience seemed strangely disappointed by this wondrous news, Cain managed a positive attitude. Quoting Uncle Tom’s Cabin, Cain asserted: “Life can be a challenge, life can seem impossible. It’s never easy when there is so much on the line. But you and I can make a difference.” Oh, did I say the quote was from Uncle Tom’s Cabin? What I meant was THE FUCKING POKEMON MOVIE. AN ADULT. A GROWN MAN DID THIS. Needless to say, this obscure and utterly atrocious quote was not, in fact, super effective. Maybe if Ash Ketchum were running for Mayor of Assclownville, a Pokémon quote would be appropriate, but in the American presidential primaries, it seems quite out of place. Yet, it does the beg questions: Which other quotes from Pokemon movies was Cain tempted to use?

5. “So this is my power…but what is my purpose?”
4. “I guess you’ll learn that playing with the big boys can be a shock in experience.”
3. “We’ve hit rock bottom!”
2. “Do you think I will have a bigger role in the next movie?”
1. “Listen to me kid, when you get involved with the opposite sex, you’re only asking for trouble.”

20 People Who Accomplished More Than Me Before They Were 20

9 Nov

This cupcake symbolizes the defeat of teenage pregnancy

So this weekend I turned 20. The celebration was excellent, and the weekend was replete with friends, family, Lupe Fiasco, inexplicable football victories, a seemingly insurmountable stockpile of baked goods, and innumerable abuses of new Sherman Ave writers-to-be. But at some point during the frivolities, somewhere in between heinifying the Shakespeare Gardens and shouting Taylor Martinez-related obscenities on the El, I was struck by the realization that I had suddenly graduated from being merely a teenager into the vaunted world of the 20-something.

Now, I’d like to think that I fit into the 20-something club quite nicely. I publish self-indulgent blog posts, live in dire fear of missing a party, and am woefully unemployed. I vote Democrat and laugh at the word “clitoromegaly.” I buy records on vinyl, wear flannel, and spend an obscene proportion of my income at either BK or EV1, which suits me just fine. I fervently and irrationally believe that Steve Kerr was one of the most important guards in NBA history, and will be a drain on society in general for the next five years or so. Needless to say, I play a good deal of Sporcle and Civilization IV.

This 20-something is a Starbucks barista and staff writer for Thought Catalog

Besides being a great excuse to drink Andre and treat my friends as dutiful subjects to the Birthday Boy for a day, turning 20 is also a good milestone to size up the accomplishments and failures of my life. Even if I never played first base for the White Sox or fronted a touring rock n roll band, I’d like to think I’ve accomplished a fair deal, including roadtripping to LA and founding the most atrocious blog known to the greater Chicagoland area. But no matter what I’ve done, here are the 20 people who accomplished so much more than I could ever dream of before they were even able to legally drink in Japan.

1. Beyoncé’s Unborn Baby
That fetus was still only 5 months old when it garnered 8,868 tweets a minute at the MTV Music Video Awards. To be honest, the only time I can ever hope to gain that much recognition in social media is if Ross Packingham mentions me in one of his status updates. The progeny of Ms. Knowles and Mr. Z will almost certainly emerge from the womb with more talent, beauty, and hedge fund investments than five generations of Rees’ will be able to amass. If this kid doesn’t have a hit single by the time she’s 7, Amy Winehouse will turn over in her grave.

Jesus getting hammered, like a proper 20-something

2. Jesus
Although by the time he was 20 the God the Son incarnated hadn’t quite gotten around to teaching the word of God, performing miracles, or founding the Church, he was at least gainfully employed, which is much better than I can say for myself. You can rest assured that the Messiah was a really fucking good carpenter, as evidenced by his prominent position on Wikipedia’s “Notable Carpenters” list.

3. Harry Potter
Defeat He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named? Check. Graduate school? Check. Bang a butterface ginger? Check. The kid did it all, which is even more impressive considering that he never once succumbed to the distraction of working alongside Emma Watson.

I'm going to grow up to do WHAT???

4. Michael Jackson
Despite being born in the eternal hellhole of Gary, Indiana, MJ quickly rose to prominence. At the age of eight, a time when I was mostly concerned about training my Bulbasaur and watching The Bachelor when my Mom wasn’t home, the kid was opening for stripteases with the Jackson 5. If the vocal talent wasn’t enough, he also sported the greatest afro any prepubescent boy ever possessed.

5. Koko the Gorilla
It took me nearly two years to master elementary Spanish, but this adorable ape mastered American Sign Language and English in a few short years. She also had a kitten, and apparently assaulted more women than Herman Cain, both of which prove her superiority to me.

Morty as a child

6. Morton “Morty” Owen Schapiro
The man could grow a full grown beard in first grade in the same time it took me to read a page of Good Night Moon. But for a more complete examination of his exploits in the early years of this man’s life, I suggest you reference Chloe Woodhouse’s expose on the legend himself.

7. Macaulay Culkin
This kid was uglier than what I imagine Steve Buscemi to have looked like as a child, and yet he was still fucking boss. Not only did he single-handedly defeat Joe Pesci in the highest grossing comedy of all time, he also got to live the life of the richest boy in the world as the son of the founder of Rich Industries. The icing on the cake: Mila Kunis.

She also accomplished scaring the living shit out of me as a child

8. Matilda
So smart she could develop telekinetic abilities with the unused part of her brain, she was able to defeat Miss Trunchbull and form a happy, loving family with Miss Honey all before graduating elementary school. Although I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive her for the nightmares I suffered after watching the chokey scene.

9. Willow Smith
This video has over 64 million views. The most popular video I ever starred in was of me doing the “Single Ladies” dance in my senior year econ class. Either there’s something wrong with America, or I just got my ass handed to me by a 10-year-old. Or both.

He also managed to get arrested before me.

10. Bill Gates
By the end of sophomore year, the nerd had set a record for the fastest algorithm produced in his Harvard combinatorics class that stood for 30 years. Then he founded Microsoft. By the end of my sophomore year, I intend to have decided upon a concentration and get Sherman Ave to generate enough revenue to pay for beer.

11. Jane Austen
The woman had written most of Sense and Sensibility and Pride and Prejudice before she turned 20. Not that I really care about the morals, scandals, and marriages of the early 19th Century landed gentry of England, but I’d just about die if Colin Firth ever portrayed one of my characters. Just saying, he’d make a great Sir Edward Twattingworth III.

12. Peter the Great
Dude was 10 when he became Tsar. During his reign he transformed Russia from a freezing, backward, and destitute rural society into a 5,000,000-square-mile freezing, backward, and destitute society. All while suffering from epilepsy.

Despite a lack of physical presence, he still dominated in the paint.

13. Air Bud
That golden retriever probably scored more points in one season than I did in my entire rec league basketball career. Second only to Michael Jordan’s role in Space Jam for convincing kids that they were better than basketball than they actually were, the only downside of Air Bud was the experience of overwhelming disappointment when you own dog couldn’t drain a three-pointer.

14. Lindsay Lohan
Herbie: Fully Loaded aside, The Parent Trap, Freaky Friday, and Mean Girls are some of the greatest acting performances I’ve seen in my lifetime. I’m pretty sure most guys my age have harbored a life-long crush on her ever since she valiantly challenged herself to a fencing match.

15. Michelangelo
Probably one of the best artists in Florence by the age of 14. No big deal.

16. Eliàn Gonzàlez
Not only did Gonzàlez cross from Cuba into American waters in an aluminum boat with a faulty motor, he also survived a sea storm while floating on nothing more than an inner tube. He also accomplished more in politics than any MTV Rock the Vote campaign ever has, quite possibly costing Al Gore the 2000 presidential election.

17. Madeline
The girl got her appendix removed and acted like it was no big deal. She also survived a fall off a bridge into the Seine River and ran away to join a group of traveling gypsies before she learned long division. That’s all there is; there isn’t any more.

18. Beethoven
Sure, as a child his father made young Ludwig stand at they keyboard until he cried. But it all worked out, right? He was seven at the time of his first public performance, and was publishing original compositions before most kids his age had mastered the art of five-paragraph essays.

Adorable

19 and 20 (tie). Eng Seng Ng and Cheng Yen Ng
Eng Seng Ng is a 19-year-old grad student at Stanford. Most people that age are busy playing National Treasure drinking games and sleeping through 11:00 am discussion sections, not completing their master’s in mechanical engineering at the top school in the country. Ng’s sister Chenny is just as amazing. The renowned master of the Hoedown Throwdown, Chenny is also an internationally-acclaimed practitioner of all things heinous, not to mention the most adorable member of Sherman Ave.

Honorable Mentions:
Adele, Kain Colter, Sasha Obama, George Harrison, LeBron James, Achilles, and Charlie Young.

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