Browse the CDs for sale and contemplate how far Fiona Apple has fallen.
Consider who actually even buys CDs anymore.
Pretend to be foreign and convinced that Starbucks is, in fact, a bank. Become angry when they will not allow you to make a withdrawal.
Nap. Continue reading
If you’ve ever been to a college party, you are probably uncomfortably familiar with the sinking feeling associated with an improper ratio of mixers to alcohol. At Sherman Ave parties, we then resort to chasing with our own heinousness. But that’s pretty advanced and I don’t recommend it. So, instead of you running out to 7-Eleven and endangering the lives of others, allow me to help you help yourself. Let’s get weird.
1. Gummy vitamins
THIS WORKS. These nutrient-rich gelatinous delights immediately cut the burn of cheap vodka. Bonus: if they contain B-vitamins, they may actually help prevent a hangover. PREMED.
1. Eat cheese.
2. Pluck your eyebrows.
3. Get a pet rock.
4. Boil some spaghetti and use it as pet rock hair.
5. Put your spaghetti-wigged pet rock on someone’s porch. Ring the bell and run away.
6. Wait until it’s dark out. Turn on the lights, roll up your shades, and perform for the passersby outside your window.
7. Go to a restaurant by yourself.
8. GET OFF MY LAWN.
9. Clean all of the dirt out from the spaces between the keys on your laptop.
10. Eat cheese.
Shall I compare thee to a bag of dicks?
Thou art more floppy; tougher to inflate:
Rough winds do shake the flaccid shafts like sticks,
And just one bag hath all too light a weight:
Sometime too short a baggèd dick may stand,
and often is the tan complexion dimm’d;
And many dicks do find themselves unmanned,
With pubic hairs so horribly untrimm’d;
But thy bag-dickery, it shall not fade,
Thy dicks are forged in all thy shitty pride;
With character as cunty as Dwayne Wade,
The strength of all thy dicks shall not subside.
A late-night mugging I will have in store;
if shuttles stop at Sherman/Noyes no more.
So we thought it would be fun to take Amanda Bynes’ absurd tweets as far out of context as we possibly could. Granted, her Twitter feed isn’t really any sort of “context,” rather a horrid shitshow of surgery and Drake, but we went for it anyway. We hope you derive as much joy from making fun of Amanda Bynes as we do.
I understand your pain. No matter how many times you’re stuck trying to convince your puritanical family and friends, they just don’t get it. “Snapchat. That’s the one for sexting isn’t it?”
No, texting is the app for sexting. Snapchat is the app for liberating yourself from the chains and pains of recorded history and, from time to time, sharing your junk with strangers. Nothing to confuse here.
Even the most sext-averse among us, however, can catch the Snap. It’s as simple as doing it right.
RULES OF SNAPCHAT DONE RIGHT
The first rule of Snapchat is to respect the purpose of the app. No other form of communication provides a history catalog as fleeting, and at times frustrating, as Snapchat. While you may curse the creators for only providing you the names and times of what’s taken place before your eyes, you cannot, under any circumstances, take screenshots of what’s been sent to you for the potential purpose of blackmail. Joining Snapchat is automatic enrollment into a community which lives in a safezone of 3am mistakes.
Sure, if someone sends a well-captioned picture of a man on the El wearing nothing but a snuggie and denim socks, you should rightfully record this for safekeeping. The world needs to know about denim socks.
But, when in the course of human events is it necessary to capture your friend’s quadruple chin or your ex’s chiseled quads? Look at your life and look at your Snapchat before it’s gone. Be the bigger ex and let it disappear.
AS FOR WHAT YOU SHOULD BE SNAPOVATING
No one wants another captionless selfie from that one angle that works for you on a day you’ve convinced yourself you look fresh. Instead, exploit Snapchat’s most lucrative feature: deshaming the public selfie. Continue reading
Gender: I am male
Orientation: I am straight
Status: I am married, but seeking
every piece of tail I can get some action on the side.
Birthdate: April 13, 1743. I am old, but experienced
Your location: Second Continental Congress, Philadelphia. Continue reading