My eyes widen, and a patriotic spark awakens
My senses, as though of Coca-Cola I had drunk,
Or inhaled a Big-Mac with four slices of bacon.
One minute passed, and then these words I had thunk:
“Tis not through hatred of the ugly lot,
but being too happy in thy ugliness,-
That thou, star-spangled cardigan of wool,
In some melodious plot
Of patchwork art, and flags numberless (aka 2),
Singest of America the beautiful.
My eyes widen, and a patriotic spark awakens
If there’s one thing Sherman Ave prides itself on, it’s follow through. That, and our stunning mastery of the entire AP U.S. History Flashcard set. So, in the hopes of amping you up to take the 2013 Sherman Ave Readers’ Poll, here are the results of last year’s 2012 Sherman Ave Readers’ Poll. Enjoy the blast from the heinous past.
Most Heinous Event of 2012
With 18% of the vote, the winner was: Evanston revoking the Keg’s liquor license. The Keg may not have survived the wrath of Tizzy, but it did manage to eke out a one-vote victory over the advent of #YOLO, followed closely by the I Agree With Markwell campaign and the notorious Vandy seal clubbing scandal. Rest in peace, old friend. We swear to hold you forever in our memory by linking to this every goddamn opportunity we get.
Want to have a Christmas experience like we do at the Ave?
Here are just a few things you’ll need to make sure you have a Merry Heinmas:
1. Ugly sweaters, Santa hats, and reindeer antlers
Just the basics.
Lots and lots of alcohol. You wouldn’t want to hang out with your closest friends and family sober, now would you?
3. A good present
Suggestions: leather handcuffs, a framed picture of kittens, 300 pages of your Japanese homework, porn, three copies of a book that literally nobody likes, coal.
Science fiction and fantasy are interesting genres in that they encourage narratives free from association with real–world logic, philosophy, or science. Pretty much anything goes in the land of lightsabers and lazerbeams, and that type of liberal mentality can encourage the worst creative tendencies in otherwise talented writers, especially when it comes to something as simple––and seemingly trivial––as naming characters.
I, along with many others, went to go see The Hunger Games: Catching Fire over Thanksgiving break, and while I enjoyed the movie, I found myself spit–taking my liquid popcorn butter frequently as straight–faced actors called each other things like “Effie Trinket” or “President Coriolanus (Ha! Anus!) Snow.”
Browse the CDs for sale and contemplate how far Fiona Apple has fallen.
Consider who actually even buys CDs anymore.
Pretend to be foreign and convinced that Starbucks is, in fact, a bank. Become angry when they will not allow you to make a withdrawal.
Nap. Continue reading
If you’ve ever been to a college party, you are probably uncomfortably familiar with the sinking feeling associated with an improper ratio of mixers to alcohol. At Sherman Ave parties, we then resort to chasing with our own heinousness. But that’s pretty advanced and I don’t recommend it. So, instead of you running out to 7-Eleven and endangering the lives of others, allow me to help you help yourself. Let’s get weird.
1. Gummy vitamins
THIS WORKS. These nutrient-rich gelatinous delights immediately cut the burn of cheap vodka. Bonus: if they contain B-vitamins, they may actually help prevent a hangover. PREMED.
1. Eat cheese.
2. Pluck your eyebrows.
3. Get a pet rock.
4. Boil some spaghetti and use it as pet rock hair.
5. Put your spaghetti-wigged pet rock on someone’s porch. Ring the bell and run away.
6. Wait until it’s dark out. Turn on the lights, roll up your shades, and perform for the passersby outside your window.
7. Go to a restaurant by yourself.
8. GET OFF MY LAWN.
9. Clean all of the dirt out from the spaces between the keys on your laptop.
10. Eat cheese.
Shall I compare thee to a bag of dicks?
Thou art more floppy; tougher to inflate:
Rough winds do shake the flaccid shafts like sticks,
And just one bag hath all too light a weight:
Sometime too short a baggèd dick may stand,
and often is the tan complexion dimm’d;
And many dicks do find themselves unmanned,
With pubic hairs so horribly untrimm’d;
But thy bag-dickery, it shall not fade,
Thy dicks are forged in all thy shitty pride;
With character as cunty as Dwayne Wade,
The strength of all thy dicks shall not subside.
A late-night mugging I will have in store;
if shuttles stop at Sherman/Noyes no more.
So we thought it would be fun to take Amanda Bynes’ absurd tweets as far out of context as we possibly could. Granted, her Twitter feed isn’t really any sort of “context,” rather a horrid shitshow of surgery and Drake, but we went for it anyway. We hope you derive as much joy from making fun of Amanda Bynes as we do.