Tag Archives: Democrats

#GetFuckedBC

14 Sep

You never forget your first time.

Hello there.

Are you a BCS team from an automatic qualifier conference? Are you traveling to Evanston in the near future? Are you the Boston College Eagles!?

If so, then on behalf of the Northwestern Wildcat football program and the 250 or so bored students from the Greater Chicagoland area, we cordially invite you to get fucked.

First off, let us begin by complimenting the entire BC defense on how well your faces have recovered from the monstrous welt Kain Colter’s schlong gave you in last year’s season opener.* We’re mostly just impressed that you came back for more after that thorough 24-17 dicking.

Doesn’t the Catholic Church have some sort of policy against the bestiality you are about to endure at the mercy of Venric Mark and the Northwestern wide receiver corps? We always knew that Jesuits were pretty chill about that sort of thing, but still.

Regardless, it’s kind of rude for Notre Dame to seek an injunction against the HHS mandate just so Boston College football won’t be able to receive the sexual health care it will need after getting so totally fucked by NU this Saturday afternoon. It’s not like Notre Dame was going to need any help beating you guys anyway.

Speaking of sensitive religious topics, stop trying to inquisition us.

We know we were once called the Fighting Methodists and all, but nowadays most of our students are either Jewish, godless socialist Democrats, or Markwell. Fitzwizardry isn’t heresy, and with the exception of your defensive backs, nobody’s getting torched this Saturday. Give it a rest, and spend less time trying to impose canonical law with the arm of Chase Rettig and more time getting fucked.

The only thing more depressing than being the third best college accessible via the T will be Chi Chi Ariguzo’s physically and emotionally damaging defense. The only thing more unsettling than Frank Spaziani’s mustache will be how Ifaedi Odenigbo methodically destroys everything you hold holy — starting with Doug Flutie and ending with Tip O’Neill, Scott Brown, and Matt Ryan — in an assault that transcends the boundaries of time, space, and party politics.**

Simply put, Pat Fitzgerald the Fighting Methodists will fuck you worse than the sexual trinity Karl Rove administered to BC Law alum John Kerry in 2004.

Last week, we made a promise and came through. This week we are proud to make another such guarantee.

Get Fucked BC.
———————————————————————————————————————
*My second dick slapping joke in as many weeks. I’m gunning for the record set by Brother Jürgen Taintsdorf in the infamous summer of ’06.
**Seriously, are you guys good at doing anything else besides playing quarterback or serving in Congress?

To stay updated on this weekend’s #GetFuckedBC campaign, follow us on Twitter and like us on Facebook and look for the intoxicated heinouses shouting ‘Get Fucked BC’ Saturday afternoon at Ryan Field.

About these ads

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Official DNC 2012 Drinking Game

1 Sep

OH, WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. OOOH-OOOOH, LIVIN ON A MEDISCARE. Get it? Like Medicare, but scary cause Paul Ryan wants to kill all old people! Hahahaha!

But seriously, congratulations on making it halfway through the conventions. That’s quite a feat, but we still have the Democratic Convention to get through. And, thanks to Obamacare, you are now required to drink any time you watch anything. Look it up, it’s in there.

Will the posters say “Probably above average” this time?

As the good civic servants that we are, we have compiled Sherman Ave’s Official DNC 2012 Drinking Game to aid you in following the law and getting belligskiez:

  1.  Any time Obama says “let me be clear,” take a sip.
  2. If the number “42” is mentioned in reference to Bill Clinton, drink half your drink. If it’s used in reference to the number of consecutive months with private sector job growth, take a sip.
  3. If Joe Biden forgets which century it is/ what state it is/ what his name is/ who that black guy with the big ears is, finish your drink.
  4. Any time someone implies a GOP War On Women, take a sip. If a speaker says the phrase “War on Women,” finish your drink. If a speaker shouts, “They wanna shove shit up your vajayjays!!!!” shotgun your drink. If that speaker is DNC chairwoman Debbie Wasserman-Schultz, only take a sip cause that’s like every fifth sentence outta that woman’s mouth.
  5. If Bill Clinton keeps “accidentally” saying that he’s proud to be our next president, take a sip.
  6. Any time you get five in a row on the Sherman Ave DNC Buzzword Bingo Board below, drink half of your drink. Make sure to make use of the Free Birth Control Free Spot specially earmarked for your belligerence.

    The Sherman Ave DNC Buzzword Bingo Board

  7. Every time you’re thankful that the Democrats’ Hollywood star was Eva Longoria and not Clint Eastwood, take a drink.
  8. If Jon Huntsman speaks, shotgun that shit. But not when Charlie Christ speaks, because Charlie Christ would speak at the Poopy Pants Party Convention if they promised he’d be on TV.
  9. Drink the following for each performer: James Taylor= sip, Mary J. Blige= sip, Foo Fighters= half of the drink, Bruce Springsteen= shotgun, Carly Rae= ALL THE SHOTZ.
  10. If they drop a million copies of Obama’s birth certificate instead of balloons, finish your drink. If it’s his long-form birth certificate, shotgun. If it’s Romney’s tax returns and haha they had them all along lol!!!, jager bombs for all.
  11. If they use fake Greek pillars again, go find wine and drink it because of cultured.
  12. If any Democrat acknowledges some responsibility for the crippling nation debt and offers sensible solutions that include modest tax increases on the rich, cuts to defense funding and some painful domestic cuts, raise your glass in a salute to good governance and chug.
  13. If Elizabeth Warren comes out in a traditional Cherokee headdress, finish your drink and get ready for moar race controversy.

    What if he just gives this speech again? Like, verbatim? He’d win, right?

  14. For every fifth time a Democrat says “Bush-era,” drink using the The Sherman Ave Bushometer™: Check every time “Bush-era” is said:
    __ __ __ __ __    __ __ __ __ __   __ __ __ __ __    __ __ __ __ __   __ __ __ __ __    __ __ __ __ __   __ __ __ __ __    __ __ __ __ __   __ __ __ __ __    __ __ __ __ __   __ __ __ __ __    __ __ __ __ __   __ __ __ __ __    __ __ __ __ __   __ __ __ __ __    __ __ __ __ __   __ __ __ __ __    __ __ __ __ __   __ __ __ __ __    __ __ __ __ __

——————————————————————————————————————————–
For all the latest articles and probably immortality, like our Facebook page.

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Official RNC 2012 Drinking Game

23 Aug

Convention season is upon us! With the Republican convention scheduled to start on Monday, August 27, Tuesday, August 28, and the Democrats to follow the next week,  it’s time to figure out how exactly we can get through these quadrennial public meltdowns of our political climate.

It appears that there are three options: 1) become exceedingly intoxicated, 2) properly hydrate, or 3) pray for Paul Ryan’s abs to make an appearance. Here at The Ave, we’ve got you covered on all fronts! Our Official RNC 2012 Drinking Game, if played with an alcoholic beverage, will probably get you ham faced. If played with water or a sports drink, you will find yourself in a healthy state of hydration. And if played properly, you should be hoping for a shirtless Paul Ryan at all turns.

So cuddle up in your Red Room of Pain, turn on the TV, grab a beverage and begin openly weeping:

“Ha! Ha! Gaze over yonder, there appears to be an impoverished fellow!”

1) Any time a Republican claims that they or someone “DID build” something, take a sip.

2) Any time a simple Google search shows that the government aided in the building of that thing, take another sip.

3) If Donald Trump “fires” an Obama impersonator, refuse to drink because Donald Trump is a racist and we wouldn’t want our brains to form an association between racism and alcohol.

4) Any time you imagine Chris Christie shirtless, chug your drink.

5) To actually get drunk, any time you imagine Paul Ryan shirtless, take a sip and excuse yourself to your room for two and a half minutes.

6) Any time you get five in a row on the Sherman Ave GOP Buzzword Bingo Board below, drink half of your drink. Make sure to make use of the Taxpayer Subsidized Free Spot specially earmarked for your belligerence.

Sherman Ave GOP Buzzword Bingo Board

7) If any speaker says “funemployed,” shotgun your drink.

8) If Todd Akin appears, throw your drink at the TV and get a new one.

9) If you make it through Tim Pawlenty’s speech without falling asleep, take a celebratory shot.

10) If the commentators point out that Artur Davis was a co-chair on Obama’s 2008 campaign, take a sip. If they fail to point this out an appropriate time, chug your drink.

11) If any speaker criticizes Obama for his handling of the bin Laden raid, drink half of your drink.

If the audience stages a mass Newsweek burning, chug.

12) For every fifth time the word “taxes” is mentioned, take a sip (see the Taxometer™ below).
The Sherman Ave Taxometer™: Check every time “tax” is said: __ __ __ __ __      __ __ __ __ __     __ __ __ __ __      __ __ __ __ __     __ __ __ __ __      __ __ __ __ __     __ __ __ __ __      __ __ __ __ __     __ __ __ __ __      __ __ __ __ __     __ __ __ __ __      __ __ __ __ __     __ __ __ __ __      __ __ __ __ __     __ __ __ __ __      __ __ __ __ __     __ __ __ __ __      __ __ __ __ __     __ __ __ __ __      __ __ __ __ __

13) If the convention is delayed by Hurricane Isaac, take a sip every time Pat Robertson could be mentioned but is not. If the entire convention is canceled, buy a case of High Life, drink it all, and save the tops to return for their donation to the vets.

UPDATE: The convention has been delayed until Tuesday, and I’ve only heard one Pat Robertson joke so far. Waterfall, ya’ll!

——————————————————————————————————————————–

To stay updated when we release our Official DNC 2012 Drinking Game, check out our Facebook Page.

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 177 other followers