Miami, FL. – As the end of Game Six of the NBA Finals nears, millions of U.S. citizens pray for a man who has spent his entire life working towards one goal to fall short of that goal.
“I hope he has to sit there and watch everyone celebrate as his dreams crumble before his eyes,” several thousand people insisted.
As the man who spent almost every minute of his life thinking about and working towards his goal slowly watches hope slip away, people across the world could not be more pleased. Continue reading
Chief Illiniwek, taking a huge dump maybe.
In an open letter to the University of Illinois, Associate Professor Ben Mallock said he is getting a tad fed up after students have been repeatedly breaking into his home and pooping in a basket of clean linens.
Mallock, 56, who teaches anthropology at U of I, said he’s bordering on being annoyed with the bi-weekly felony offense of breaking and entering and subsequent defecating into a basket of neatly folded bed sheets for the 12 years he has been empl oyed by the University.
“It used to be this would only happen on the weekends, but now it happens without any regard to the day of the week or time of day,” Mallock wrote in a letter sent to student run newspaper, The Daily Illini. “After class, I found pee in the toilet and a street sign tucked into my bed.” Continue reading
HOLY FUCK LOOK AT THAT FUCKING STORM
Following the announcement that Northwestern has cancelled class due to inclement weather, the NOAA has released another statement that “hell hath frozen over, and the end is clearly nigh.”
“Call your mom and remind her you love her one last time, because she’s probably going to heaven, and you’re definitely not,” advised NOAA spokesperson Noah DiRiccio. “The University cancelled classes an hour ago, so by my calculations, you should start drinking ASAP so you’re nice and anesthetized by the time the Four Horsemen get here.”
Minnesota native and SESP junior Michael Ervin was confused. “But the severe weather already happened, right? You guys consider ‘above sixty’ to be extreme here, dontcha?”
Witnesses report that Evanston Mayor Elizabeth Tisdahl displayed an uncharacteristic amount of excitement upon receiving news of the world’s impending doom.
“You mean the university will be destroyed??” she said, allegedly making a facial expression.
Stay safe, everyone.
Pictured: Starbucks barista, shortly before leaving because she “can’t handle this shit”
It’s day four of finals week and the Norbucks baristas have called it quits until their environment improves. One barista was verbally assaulted by an HPME sophomore after putting a round frappuccino cap on his regular iced coffee.
“I told him we were out of the regular caps, but he didn’t care. I have never seen such rage, and I am honestly scared for the safety of myself and my coworkers,” reported the barista, who wishes to remain anonymous but wants to clarify that she isn’t Anthony.
It comes to no surprise that the Norbucks baristas can become the punching bag for stressed out undergrads during finals week. Caffeine for many is the door to success, and it is the baristas who hold the key. After waiting in long lines to get their fix, even the little things can set students off; one girl almost broke down in a full tantrum after she was told their was no artificial sweetener for her venti skinny vanilla latte steamed at children’s temperature.
“I told her using nonfat milk alone cut down on calories, but she couldn’t hear me over the sounds of her own wailing,” said the barista.
“Every day this week has been a nightmare. The thing students don’t realize is that we get stressed out too! Do you know how hard it is to guess which spelling of Caitlin is the correct one? I shouldn’t have to hold my breath as I anticipate the explosion that can occur after misspelling someone’s name. We’re all human here,” said another barista.
The Norbucks workers refuse to work. They turned the lights of their little cart off until they get the respect they think they deserve. Sadly, the community only anticipates greater animosity. The Norris Center is looking to the NUPD for help to ensure the safety of these baristas and their families in anticipation of a student-led witch hunt to find these employees, throw them over their shoulders, carry them back to their tiny work space, and demand a grande iced vanilla bean caramel mocha frap with a double shot of espresso.
The Sherman Ave Editors (Evander Jones, Ross Packingham and Sir Edward Twattingworth III) sat down with Northwestern University President Morty Schapiro for an interview. Why he agreed to let us do this, we may never know, but we sure are happy he did.
“I’m allergic to cats.”
Packingham: If you could make a drink called “The Morty,” what would it entail?
Morty: Oh man. Like an alcoholic drink?
Twattingworth: Wow, interesting that your mind went there.
Morty: Yeah… Well, you know when I drink, like last night–this is really exciting–but one-third orange juice, two-thirds Perrier.
Packingham: Perrier? Is that vodka? Or rum?
Morty: And they have to give me this much wine so I can hold it to pretend I’ll drink it, but I’m not a wine drinker. I like beer when I have Asian food. I like Thai beer, or Japanese beer or something.
Packingham: Like a Budweiser?
Morty: I don’t think I’ve ever had one of those. So I’m not big on like American Continue reading
1977 was weird.
DUBLIN, Ohio – Local 10th grader and frequent Instagram user Olivia Butterfield expressed genuine surprise in her history class this morning when her teacher referenced 1977 as a year in which numerous important historical events occurred, sources report.
“She said that Carter was inaugurated in 1977, and I was like, are you kidding?” said Butterfield. ”The Sutro filter would make much more sense for a historical event like that. Maybe even an Inkwell, though that would be a much riskier choice.”
When her history teacher, 29-year-old Ohio native John Pinkerton,explained to Continue reading
For some reason, we thought it would be a fun idea to make a group texting thread among 18 Sherman Ave writers on Dillo Day.
It was not a good idea. Most of our phones died before 2pm and we all hated everyone.
We have recreated some of the most heinous conversations for your viewing pleasure. We only hope that this can bring a tiny ray of sunshine to your debilitating headache and nausea.
Arrested Development caused more of an uproar this weekend than an Apache-themed party at the Arizona capitol building, making every social media account the dumping ground for half-assed references to the banana stands and one-armed men. It’s nice to know that everyone can spoil the fun at the same time! Binge-watching is the new hip thing like moms in bell-bottom jeans or Hillary Duff’s clothing line at Kohl’s. It’s has the fun addictive properties of cocaine and the similar benefits of alienation from friends.
With Ronald Reagan out of the White House and his crack battle long over, there’s no stopping this infectious streaming disease. Plus Barry dug the shit out Continue reading
Gentlemen, these will be the most mediocre days of your lives!
I remember with great clarity the moment that I found out I would be spending my first year of college in the venerable dorm of 1835 Hinman. I remember going downstairs to use my parents’ computer (because this was the year 2010, and computers had just been invented), I remember waiting 45 seconds for the page to load (we had Comcast), and most of all I remember the first exclamation that rushed out of my mouth.
Living in 1835 Hinman is never considered with great fondness or unbridled excitment, but rather stiff indifference; if it were a film director, it would be Wes Anderson. When I am old and decrepit, I will not look back on my months spent in Hinman as the “golden” ones, but rather the “bauxite” ones – still of some value, Continue reading
To the Dear, Sweet Residents of the Chicagoland Area:
Remember just a few days ago, when you went home for Mother’s Day? You brought back all your favorite winter pajamas, and your dad’s hand-me-down college sweatshirt, and the thick comfy leggings you wear as long johns under jeans when it’s colder than balls and don’t give a fuck.
LOL. FOOLISH HUMANS.
Don’t worry. You’ve heard the saying, “If you don’t like the weather in Chicago, wait half an hour”? THAT’S CAUSE IT’S ABOUT TO GET EVEN WORSE. Just when you thought it was safe to crack open a beer on your porch and groove to Katy Perry classics again, you’re hot then you’re cold, you’re yes then you’re no, you’re indoors then you’re outdoors, you’re slacklining on the lakefill and DID YOU KNOW THAT SPRINGTIME IN CHICAGO IS MOTHER NATURE PMS-ING? Continue reading