Johnson: Cars Have Wheels
Johnson: Radiators Helpful In Winter
Johnson: Rolly Chairs More Mobile Than Normal Chairs
Johnson: Staplers More Useful With Staples Than Without
Johnson: TV Good Way To Watch Moving Pictures
Johnson: Losing Keys Creates Problems
Johnson: Jaywalking Can Occasionally Be Dangerous
Johnson: Russia Might Be The Largest Country In The World
Johnson: It’s Warmer When The Sun Is Out
Johnson: Lake Michigan Probably Larger Than Lagoon On Campus
Johnson: For Theater Majors, Continue reading
If you’ve been to a Northwestern sorority’s formal (ANY sorority), or if you’ve just creepily stalked pictures from any given formal, then you definitely know the name Justin Barbin. A photographer/entrepreneur/all-around awesome dude, Barbin graduated from Northwestern in 2011, and, after moving back to his hometown of Houston, began to dabble in his longtime hobby of photography. Flash forward to 3 years later, and Barbin is one of the best-known names at Northwestern – not only for his skills as a photographer, but for his personality, his style, and having a name that is eerily similar to that of Justin Bieber. Barbin was nice enough to take time out of his very busy schedule to sit down with Sherman Ave travesties Ross Packingham, Prince Giblets, and Felicity Jenkins, and allowed them to ask him a few questions about himself, his passion, and a lot of stupid shit. Mostly just stupid shit.
Ross Packingham: So we’ll start with a few questions about your background–
Justin Barbin: Like ethnicity, or…?
Packingham: That isn’t what we had in mind.
Felicity Jenkins: But feel free to answer that as well.
Packingham: So from my understanding, you just popped out of your mother’s womb with a Nikon DSLR in hand.
Packingham: That’s embarrassing, I didn’t do my research. And there are so many pictures online with the camera. Anyway, is that why she hated you? Continue reading
Northwestern University recently sent out an email with the five ideas proposed for the ASG 10K initiative, a program that gives the student body an opportunity to invest $10,000 to improve life around campus. However, I, the esteemed Reverend Turlington, frankly don’t like any of the ideas very much at all. $10,000 on Christmas lights? Come on. Here are 20 better things NU could do with $10,000:
- Offer live entertainment in the dining halls
- Construct a statue of Frances Willard
- Found a Continue reading
SCENE: Northwestern University’s Campus. An unexpected blizzard is beginning to pick up force. Temperatures hover in the single digits. A Northwestern tour group leaves the tour guide building and heads north to take in the sights.
Tour Guide: The weather usually isn’t like this, I promise!
Interpretation: Yeah, usually it’s a lot worse. Notice how you’re able to expose parts of your flesh to the air? It’s almost NEVER nice enough to do that! You guys lucked out!
Tour Guide: We’ll have to go down this path right here, since university construction crews are working on improving and beautifying our campus on all the other paths, and they’re currently closed. But soon Northwestern will be even better! Exciting things in the works!
Interpretation: Continue reading
EVANSTON, IL—The writers of Sherman Ave announced this afternoon that they were thrilled to award the “Most Loyal Readers Award” to the writers of Sherman Ave.
As the esteemed publication nears its two millionth view, its writers believed it was time to finally acknowledge the community that has helped it grow to become the social icon it is today. But, since they do not have time to thank each and every viewer, they believed it would send the same message if they simply spoiled their most loyal readers. As it turns out, Continue reading
EVANSTON, IL – Sources reported that Northwestern student Zachary Goldowitz (Weinberg ’16) said the word “Chiberia” during a conversation with his friends at lunch today and, as a result, was very, very pleased with himself.
“Yeah guys, I swear, I’m so done with living in Chiberia,” Goldowitz reportedly said, taking care to slow down the cadence of his voice drastically upon hitting that last word, in order to let his friends be able to process how cool and hip he truly is. “When will winter end, right?”
The word Chiberia – an amalgamation of the proper nouns “Chicago” and “Siberia” – has been widely used by a large swath of the Chicagoland population in order to describe the especially cold temperatures of northeastern Illinois this winter. The logic of the name derives from the fact that “C,” “H,” and “I” are the first three letters of “Chicago;” and that “Siberia,” a far-northern region of Russia from which the moniker takes its final five letters, is one of the coldest areas on Earth.
In order to showcase his mastery of such a niche cultural reference, Goldowitz reportedly Continue reading
EVANSTON, Il – A student conduct officer was rushed to the hospital Wednesday evening after a stick was found up his ass, Northwestern University officials say.
This marks the third stick-in-ass report for the Office of Student Conduct and Conflict Resolution in the past year alone, an epidemic that has left the department short-staffed.
“It’s definitely a problem,” paramedic Dan Snow, a first responder, said. “It’s almost as if all of these student conduct workers have sticks up their asses.”
Despite the medical urgency of the situation, authorities quickly Continue reading
12:25 p.m. CST, February 18, 2014
EVANSTON, IL—Northwestern University’s Archaeology department began a new excavation today on campus, unearthing a sidewalk that was previously believed to have been long lost.
Rumors of a sidewalk running from Kresge to Norris had been circulating, but until today, it was thought to be only a myth, much like the Frostbite Express. Sources involved in the excavation claimed that the discovery was largely in part due to Continue reading