Ever since Karl Marxxx released that little Communist Manifesto thing, capitalism has been searching for its answer. We’ve known that our cause was right and that our economic theory could totally beat Marxxx’s economic theory in a three out of five street brawl scenario; the proof is in this map of the world that does not feature the words “Soviet Union” anywhere on it.
DAT STACHE THO.
But we have struggled to articulate capitalism’s overriding ideology, and thus have failed to make a compelling case to impoverished parts of the world where residents see the ascent of China and feel drawn toward Marxxxism.
Then, Miley happened. Miley Cyrus, arguably America’s foremost mind on inexplicably being rich, has released her first foray into dubstep, and it is a glorious defense of American capitalism. It is, in short, The Capitalist Manifesto.
Officially the song is named “Decisions,” in a reference to the decision that must be made about whether to make penis with Joseph Schumpeter or Joseph Stalin’s mustache. As we all know, this is an important decision that every first grader must make.
The manifesto is technically produced by Israeli musician/DJ/thing/dubstepper Borgore and features Miley on “vocals.” Israel pretty much almost borders Austria, making this a clear allusion to Austrian economist Friedrich Hayek, who is largely considered the abusive stepfather of capitalist.
Now, at this point, those of you who listened to song (I FIGURED OUT HOW TO EMBED, I’M A SAVANT) will probably have noticed that cake is a prominent player in the song. If you chose to abstain from watching – after all, not listening to Miley is what my Health teacher meant when he said “abstinence is the only way to avoid STD’s” – just know that the line “bitches love cake” is featured prominently in The Manifesto. Released just months after Rihanna first popularized cake in her song “Birthday Cake,” it is apparent to anyone listening that Miley simply stole Rihanna’s idea and started selling it. If that’s not capitalism at its heart, then I’m not a savant.
This happens in the video. Deal with it.
However, the most capitalist aspect of this song is in the lyrics themselves. And while the song has only like four lines (of coke?!?!), they say all that needs to be said to defend capitalism: “I want it all, so I get it all/ I wanna eat the whole cake/I’ m not sharing, I’m not sharing/ You should have to learned how to bake.” In just 29 glorious words, Miley lays out capitalism at its core.
In capitalist societies, if you want it all, you can just take it all so long as you were born to a father who got rich singing about a biologically impossible “achey-breaky” coronary disease. If anyone questions this, blame them for their troubles. Tell them they are acting like “victims” looking for a handout, and say that they should have learned how to bake. And, if anyone even THINKS of discussing redistribution, simply yell “I’M NOT SHARING” until they die and go away.
In short, Miley lays out in one chorus what Mitt Romney just spent a billion dollars tryna hide. She succinctly and eloquently explains how American capitalism can be summarized by one simple phrase: “Bitches love cake.”
Well played, Miley. Well played.