After four grueling rounds, here we are. It’s been a long and hard road for Modern Cosmology and Psych Stats, who both faced a process more strenuous and harrowing than registering for classes on CAESAR to reach the Championship Round in the first annual Best Winter Quarter Distro Bracket Challenge, sponsored by Klondike®! 32 courses entered, but only one can be crowned as the best embodiment of all the qualities that should comprise a distro: Easy, interesting, and compatible with the side-effects of early-onset collegiate alcoholism and/or nihilism.
Rumor has it that Northwestern is full of nerds, but I bet you’re thinking that the class of 2017 is gonna be different. “We’ll socialize!” you say, “We’ll never set foot in the library!”, “We’ll skip office hours to go to impromptu jam sessions on the lakefill!”
Ah, how grand it is to be young and naive. I bet you also think that, during all of your so-called ‘free time,’ you’ll spend hours laughing and being merry with friends in the student union, pausing from your leisure only to accept a beer from your waiter, or to play with one of the freely roaming puppies.
I’m here to burst your bubble and tell you that Norris is nothing like the heavenly place you have been dreaming about.
In the wake of a heated Associated Student Government Senate meeting last Wednesday night, ASG President Ani Ajith is scrambling to fill numerous vacancies for cabinet positions left unconfirmed following the acrimonious session. While ASG‘s failure to confirm the chief of staff, vice president for public relations and associate vice president for diversity and inclusion positions for political, racial, and fecal reasons received wide coverage, the following seven essential positions also remain unconfirmed.
1. Smash Mouth’s slot at Dillo Day
Despite widespread support for the 1990s pop-rock band’s appointment to Dillo Day‘s traditional “Bands-You-Listened-To-In-Middle-School-Nostalgic-Daytime Slot,” the selection committee’s nomination was blocked by senate vote following a contentious floor debate. Bobb senator Biff Pemberton expressed concern with the band’s rumored appointment, claiming that the band “just wasn’t experienced enough” for the responsibility of performing for thousands of drunken college kids. Pemberton went on to filibuster the proceedings, playing Smash Mouth’s 2005 Christmas album Gift of Rock on repeat for eight-hours nonstop.
EVANSTON – Sources report that today’s Associated Student Government senate meeting quickly devolved into the use of human excrement as a projectile.
The meeting, called to order at 3:30pm, was scheduled with the intent of nominating three more candidates to fill the three cabinet positions that senators blocked from appointment last week. However, shortly after opening statements were made, a senator was struck in the face by a steamy and especially corny pile of feces, resulting in a counterattack and ultimately open fecal warfare. Continue reading
Deceased President John Fitzgerald Kennedy today announced via televised press conference that he endorses fellow deceased President Andrew Jackson for the position of president of Northwestern University’s Associated Student Government.
Looking dapper as always and speaking directly to members of the NU student body, Kennedy said: “I trust yo-ah student body will wisely choose the right man for the job, Andrew Jackson. Not only is he qualified to carry on this institution’s dedication to racial and social equality, he has also promised to do absolutely nothing to enhance student life once elected, which is the express purpose of this office.”
Kennedy reminded the students, “Ask nawt what yo-ah university student govahment can do for you-ah, but… well, don’t ask, because they don’t know-er what they are supposed to do for you-ah. Honestly you should nawt expect much no matter what the result.”
When questioned why he was endorsing Old Hickory rather than one of the other candidates, Kennedy chose to speak candidly: “Look guys, you don’t know how much shit I have to take from Jackson and the rest now that it’s socially acceptable to make jokes about my assassination.” The conference was awkward thereafter.
Choosing to break the awkward silence, a heavily intoxicated Sophomore Comm student asked Kennedy whether he often had to put up with taunts in ‘President Heaven’, Kennedy responded: “Yes, er… uh… Heaven… that’s exactly what it is” and vanished in a burst of hellfire.
Strutting through an Italian plaza (if you don’t strut they won’t know you’re American) the other day, I was enjoying just another day in the life. Curses from the enfeebled elderly couple I elbowed out of my way, glares from the feathered mohawk Euro-bag regarding my outfit of baggy jeans and a North Face, and the utter contempt of the only people who know English here, the miserably poor Indian men marketing their shitty lighters (luckily they can understand “Today’s just like yesterday, asshole, I ain’t buyin’”). When, lo, to my surprise, I was warmly greeted by a friendly, well-fed, terribly-dressed collegian.
“Hey, I’m out supporting Ani for ASG President, and we’re really interested in how annual term study-abroad students can have their Northwestern Experience brought to the next level!”
Blown away by the touching interest that ASG campaigners take in their student body, I spat on the ground and cursed “No one wants you here, gypsy” in Italian. I was completely flabbergasted and responded in the fashion of my new motherland (in fact the elderly couple from earlier witnessed the whole exchange and sweetly clasping my hand they said “Damn Albanians”).
Earlier this week, Sherman Ave reached out to the four ASG presidential tickets asking to interview them. All four tickets were gracious enough to accept; this is the final of four interviews. Look for more #ASJizz013 coverage to come.
What’s your favorite shitty beer, or assuming you’re not 21, what hypothetically would be your favorite shitty beer, and what does that tell us about you?
Alex: Hmm, if I had to choose just one, I’d probably go with PBR. I don’t think it would be my drink of choice for a nice Friday night, but it has the right mixture of cheap, affordability, and taste to get you through that point in life. If you choose to.
Ani: Hypothetically, if I were to be a legal beer fan, then Busch Light. That’s what I’ve heard at least. I’d assume that it tastes like you’d expect beer of it’s ilk to taste. And it comes in these large cases, that are ridiculously low-priced–as I’ve seen, and not purchased. So I can only assume as to the quality of it. I’ve seen people react to it in strange and odd ways, in basements and in crowded rooms. Something magical. What does it taste like?
So I’m just curious, Ani. How many people did you have to ask until Alex finally agreed to become your VP?
Ani: It’s funny, because I was asked by someone else to be their ASG candidate. I don’t want to reveal who. But I’ve worked with all of them before, all the other candidates. Alex and I, we were first choices for both of us. It really is about the chemistry between the pairs as well. Literally, we share calendars.
Alex: It’s kind of creepy. Buuuutt, it’s necessary.
Ani: There’s always that thing, ‘Where are you!? Oh wait, I already know. Never mind.’ But you’re working for the next year with this person. You’re working very closely. It’s not just about sharing an office, it’s about sharing calendars, it’s about sharing a mission in life, oh God it sounds like we’re getting married.
Alex: My girlfriend kind of thinks so. But…
Ani: It’s also about the shared values. Alex and I, we’re from two different worlds. Like literally two different worlds. I’m a guy, I was born in Bangalore, India. I’ve lived in Vietnam and the U.S., in Arizona and North Carolina and Texas.
Alex: And my family has been in Ohio since the late 1700s. So… pretty different.
Ani: But it’s amazing. We’ve been brought together at Northwestern, we share similar values regarding what this community has. We’ve met amazing people. We have relationships with many of them, many of whom are listed on our website. People who we’ve actually worked with and not just, you know, pretended to.
Earlier this week, Sherman Ave reached out to the four ASG presidential tickets asking to interview them. All four tickets were gracious enough to accept; this is part three of four. Look for the final interview to come later in the day.
What is your favorite shitty beer, and what does it tell us about you?
Henry: Do I have to answer this question if I’m not 21?
So assuming you were hypothetically of-age, what do you think your favorite shitty beer would be?
Henry: Natural Light for sure. No question.
Aaron: I’d say PBR. Now that I’m 21 I like to go to Wob.
But you can’t get PBR at Wob!
Aaron: No PBR there. So I get whatever’s on tap. Like a Dark Ale.
Henry: So there’s a way that I want to answer this question, but I feel like it’s incriminating. But I would go on to tell you some stories.
Aaron: I don’t think that’s a good idea. Continue reading
Earlier this week, Sherman Ave reached out to the four ASG presidential tickets asking to interview them. All four tickets were gracious enough to accept; this is part two of four. Look for the other two to come later in the day.
What’s your favorite movie?
Favorite movie? I always go with, like, three different movies at the same time so you can get a sense of different tastes. So I would say “The Truman Show,” because that movie kind of blew my mind. If I were more narcissistic, I would think my life was The Truman Show, but I’m not quite that interesting. Second would probably be Zoolander, because, in a word, it’s awesome. And third is Silence of the Lambs.
Because that movie also blew my mind. I like most every movie but I don’t like horror movies, so Silence of the Lambs is the closest I could get. It’s more of a psychological thriller than slasher.
Okay. Do you have a favorite musical?
Hmm. I had this weird obsession with The Music Man when I was eight-ish.
The Matthew Broderick version or the Robert Redford version?
The actual, uh, theatre-y…
Oh, just the show.
Yeah. But now I just watched, a couple weeks ago, Dirty Rotten Scoundrels. Have you seen that?
It’s pretty hilarious. It’s about a couple of conmen. It’s got Steve Martin in it. The movie’s not a musical, but I’ve also seen the musical.
Are you sure you’re not thinking of The Pink Panther?
Yeah, no I’m sure. Continue reading
Earlier this week, Sherman Ave reached out to the four ASG presidential tickets asking to interview them. All four tickets were gracious enough to accept; this is part one of four. Look for the other three to come later in the day.
What’s your favorite band?
Well I’m super into hip-hop. I don’t have a band band, I wish I could tell you. I am into, I mean, Tribe Called Quest, Notorious B-I-G. These are just like…rappers. I’m not so into bands. I had a band in high school, if that means anything. I played the guitar and was the lead for that. We went for the whole jazzy feel. I did some freestyle rapping.
What was your band called?
We had no name. We were just the kids who showed up and fucking killed it.
Wow, that’s an interesting business model for a band.
I mean, yeah. Why have a name when we speak for ourselves?
Or sing for yourself. Freestyle for yourself.
And what’s your favorite movie?
Here’s the thing: I’m a HUGE Back to the Future fan. I watched it when I was a kid, still watch it, have the posters in my room. Continue reading