I hit ‘random article’ on Wikipedia and then rant about whatever I see. This week: Melissa Hart.
An actress who most certainly did not portray a witch struggling to survive the world of adolescents
To avoid any further confusion, Melissa Joan Hart will be referred to as Melissa Joan Hart and, as a quick google search has revealed this as an applicable nickname, Melissa Hart will be referred to as Silver Fox.
The ironic thing is that Silver Fox is being confused with someone who is generally regarded as talentless, and, as far as superficial judgements go, is really not that hot. I don’t think Sabrina the Teenage Witch ever attracted viewers because Melissa Joan Hart was sexy. She wasn’t. Yet still her name has been recorded in the minds of far more people than Silver Fox.
And the worst part?
Silver Fox is probably pretty fucking good. She’s appeared on Broadway since 1966 and has been nominated for a Tony, which I’ve heard from the four people who watch the Tonys is an impressive accomplishment. She has lived a long and assumedly fulfilling life except for the fact that no one knows who she is.
My understanding of acting as a profession is limited, but from what I can divine from that one episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio I watched, actors are not trying to end world hunger. Acting is not a profession that has any pretentious claims about making the world a better place or providing housing for the poor, it is what an audacious first-year Economics student would call a “result of prolonged surplus.”
Acting is the type of profession that needs more than one person to exist, and thus we come to the unfortunate truth that Silver Fox has to face every day of her life: actors need audiences.
And who is the audience of Silver Fox?
There was a movie released in 1996 called Original Gangstas. It stars Fred Williamson and Pam Grier along with other former Blaxploitation stars. That’s the gimmick of the film; people wrapped with nostalgia for Blaxploitation want to see their former heroes still kicking ass.
But the movie failed, like so many futile exercises in nostalgia do, largely because what was is often not as resplendent as we remembered it and, unfortunately, human beings are not like wine. We are spoiled with age, rotten and dying, and if this seems harsh to you, ask yourself why professional athletes retire before 40 or why porn stars have a shorter shelf-life than yogurt.
When I was reading about Silver Fox I briefly imagined a scenario where she was cast in some sort of revival show on Broadway and the youth of today that grew up with whispers of her greatness would flock to that street in New York to see her perform one final time. But then I realized that even if she was still capable of performing, even if she had been miraculously preserved, no one knows who she is.
Melissa Joan Hart, starring in her new role, "Sabrina, The Middle-Aged Mother Coping With the Impermanence of Fame"
That’s where Silver Fox has been, desperately treading water for more than half a century and I can’t help but imagine that her limbs are tired, and suddenly the boat seems impossibly far away and the water of anonymity and obscurity that once shocked her body with its coldness now seems much warmer and far more comfortable. She realizes that her legs have stopped kicking and she lets herself sink down, the water washing over her like the applause she so desperately craved for so long.
I spend a lot of time on that dock, looking down at the boats sailing away and I’ve noticed how the calm the water is. Despite all who have drowned, there isn’t even so much as a bubble.
Simon is also the genius behind the blog “Some Children Left Behind,” a resplendent collection of literature and poetry. He can also play the banjo.
5 Ways Northwestern Can Become More Popular Than Harvard
5 SepWe can take these fuckers
According to Yahoo, Northwestern University is the second-most discussed university on the Internet, behind Harvard. First of all, I think that I speak on behalf of most Americans when I proclaim: “Fuck Harvard.” More importantly, however, WE NEED TO PASS THEM AND BECOME THE MOST POPULAR SCHOOL. This year, we managed a fair amount of publicity – when there weren’t exhibitionists fucksawing each other in an after-class demonstration, our university’s president was in Libya trying to capture Qaddafi. Who does Willie the Wildcat have to blow for us to be more discussed than Harvard? The following list presents some steps that can be taken to make Northwestern the collegiate Regina George.
He's just sitting out to lure our opponents into a false sense of security
5. Persa for Heisman
Northwestern quarterback and pimp-daddy Dan Persa, who will be a senior this year, is in the running for the Heisman Trophy. If he were to magically win, it would be a huge boost to our school’s publicity, but unfortunately, the odds are stacked against him. For one thing, he didn’t play in the season opener. So…yeah. Heisman winners generally need to have strong Achilles tendons, and as every morally devastated Northwestern sports fan knows, Persa injured his Achilles late last season when he was celebrating the incalculable cockslap he had just personally administered to the University of Iowa. But hopefully by our next game, PersaStrong will be back in to replace ColterMeh, thus reestablishing his claim to Heisman glory. Additionally, it would be ideal if the Cardiac Cats didn’t choke at the end of the season and then get demolished in the fucking TicketCity Bowl.
If we can beat BC in football, sporcle should be easy
4. Boost Sporcle Rankings
As of the week of May 8-14, 2011, Northwestern sits at a mediocre 8th place in the Sporcle college rankings, falling behind such shitpillows as Notre Dame and University of Illinois. It goes without saying that climbing the ranks of nerdiness would certainly get our name out there on the Internet. So I implore you, dear Wildcats, to Sporcle like no one’s watching. If this means staying up an extra half-hour every night to brush up on the Top 200 Harry Potter characters, then go for it. If this means studying Battles A to Z between classes, then go for it. If this means going for a new time record in Flags of the World every time you are flagrantly intoxicated, then contact me immediately, because we are probably soulmates.
Luckily for us, most kids here are already as awkward as Jesse Eisenburg
3. Start a Social Network
Presumably, one of the reasons Harvard was so popular this year was because of their recent publicity in “The Social Network,” the movie that recounts the story of Facebook founder and Harvard dropout Mark Zuckerberg. If a similar episode could transpire at Northwestern, our popularity would skyrocket, which begs the question: What could a new social network offer to distinguish itself from Facebook?
Bachmann lecturing on "money things"
2. Hire a Questionable Politician to Teach a Questionable Class
A surefire way to become more discussed on the Internet is to hire a famous politician as a lecturer. Ideally, this person will create lots of controversy on the interwebz, so the class they teach should be something that isn’t necessarily an area of expertise to maximize ironic effect. Here are some ideas:
It packs one hell of a discharge
1. Something Greater Than The Fucksaw
One event that did score international publicity for Northwestern this year was the fucksaw – a motorized dildo used in an after-class demonstration for a Human Sexuality course. So how do we top the fucksaw? We make something stronger. What I propose is a contraption I call the “No-Mercy Nuclear Vibrating Device,” or the “Nukevibe” for short. Developed in collaboration with Northwestern’s nuclear science department, the Nukevibe uses the splitting of atoms to create astronomical amounts of energy – energy that is channeled directly to the G-spot. The device has been tested at FermiLab, and all test subjects thus far have died instantly from a pleasure overdose. However, once the device is perfected, there is no doubt that scientific notation will be needed to indicate the rate of orgasms per minute. Some after-class demonstration that’ll be.
Tags: 3-day timeout, Achilles, acting, after-class demonstration, astronomical amounts of energy, Battles A to Z, Boost sporcle rankings, capture Qaddafi, Cardiac Cats, Christine O'Donnell, collective inebriation, collegiate Regina George, ColterMeh, comments, Dan Persa, Dick Cheney, exhibitionists, Facebook, famous politician as lecturer, Farmville, FermiLab, flagrantly intoxicated, Flags of the World, friend requests, Fuck Harvard, fucksaw, fucksawing, G-spot, global warming, Gun safety, Harvard, Heisman, Heisman Trophy, Human Sexuality, inappropriate, incalculable cockslap, interwebz, John Edwards, John Kerry, John McCain, Libya, Mark Zuckerberg, Michele Bachmann, Most Popular Schools, motorized dildo, Nancy Pelosi, new social network, No-Mercy Nuclear Vibrating Device, Northwestern, Northwestern University, Not Being Heinous, Notre Dame, nuclear science, Nukevibe, oblivious, orgasms per minute, Persa, PersaStrong, pleasure overdose, political science, President, publicity, questionable politician, ranks of nerdiness, rating system, relatives, Religious studies, Ron Paul, scientific notation, second-most discussed universities, Sherman Ave, shitpillows, Shut the fuck up you obnoxoius angsty slutbitch button, Sir Edward Twattingworth III, soulmates, splitting of atoms, Sporcle, Start a social network, teach a questionable class, The Social Network, TicketCity Bowl, Top 200 Harry Potter characters, University of Illinois, University of Iowa, Wildcats, Willie the Wildcat