New Meal Plan Lets NU Students Pay for Dunkin’ Donuts in Self-Esteem

12 Apr
Pictured: Guilt, later.

Pictured: Guilt, later.

EVANSTON, Il. – A new meal plan will allow Northwestern students to exchange their self-esteem for food at Norris Student Center’s recently-opened Dunkin’ Donuts. The plan will allow the fast-food chain, along with Northwestern, to capitalize on the plummeting self-confidence of students who eat at Dunkin’ Donuts.

“On opening day it became immediately clear that after eating our donuts, students were losing self-esteem and satisfaction with their body image—mostly due to the fattening nature of the food we sell,” said Nigel Travis, CEO of Dunkin’ Donuts. “We figured we might as well turn a profit on their loss.”

Students will still be able to pay for donuts and sandwiches with Equivalency Meals, Munch Money, and points. NUcuisine yesterday released a more detailed explanation of the meal plan, summarized here: Continue reading

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An Open Letter to My Newsfeed

11 Apr
(via guardianlv.com)

(via guardianlv.com)

Dearest Newsfeed,

We’ve been through a lot together. You’ve seen me at my darkest hours. Those hours when the juices of procrastination were oozing out my every pore and my soul was the emaciated shell of an empty Red Bull can. You’ve been by my side for many excellent decisions, such as when I drunkenly chatted my middle-school boyfriend “just to say hey.” We even took Stats 202 together.

You get me. You know that when I say “hide from newsfeed,” it means I’m sick of seeing that kid’s damn face or hearing about that girl’s stupid day. You’ve molded to my desires like a memory-foam mattress. You know what statuses I’m going to “like,” because I do, in fact, like them. When my best friend adds a new photo, you make damn sure I see it.

You share with me Continue reading

We Will. The Campaign for Northwestern Parody

10 Apr

We Will. The Campaign for Northwestern is an invitation to join together to realize a bold vision for Northwestern.

Maybe someday we’ll get around to offering health services on the weekend, lowering tuition, striving for diversity, providing better mental health resources and ensuring students have safe transportation throughout Evanston.

Maybe someday.

But hey, did you hear about the new athletic complex we’re building??

–Pip Sleazy, Scurvy Jacobson and Lady Keystone

The First 13 Ways I Found Out I Wasn’t Normal

10 Apr
(via hangingoutpost.blogspot.com)

(via hangingoutpost.blogspot.com)

1. I enjoy eating alone. With my headphones on. With the song “November Rain” by Guns N’ Roses playing. On repeat. On full volume.

2. When a friend tries to start a conversation with me, my first thought is “This is not how life is supposed to go down. I am supposed to start talking to you. MAKE YOUR FACE STOP SAYING WORDS!” Then I run out of the dining hall because I need to google “how to talk to friends” in order to figure out what I did wrong.

3. When I take a shower, I like to cut off large chunks of my hair because it just doesn’t feel right on my head. Then when people ask if I got a haircut, Continue reading

One Student’s Biker Profile

9 Apr
(via admission.universityofcalifornia.edu)

(via admission.universityofcalifornia.edu)

I wake up 10 minutes before my class all the way across campus. My carbon footprint is way smaller than yours. My calves are rock-fucking-solid. I only have one testicle.

Yes, I’m a biker. And yes, that means my dick is three times bigger than yours*. What, don’t believe me? You want me to fucking show you? ‘Cause I’ll do it, right here, right now.

Anyway, I fucking love my bike, and I ride it whenever I can. It doesn’t matter if the journey is five miles or five blocks. Hell, one time I rode my bike five feet just for the hell of it. It was awesome.

Sometimes while I’m biking Continue reading

7 Reasons Yoga Is the Worst

9 Apr
The Alpine Yogagoat, in its natural habitat. (via izismile.com)

The Alpine Yogagoat, in its natural habitat. (via izismile.com)

Every year or so, I try yoga again.

It takes me about a year to forget exactly how fucking much I hate yoga. Over that year, my friends have peppered our conversations with fantastical stories of their “relaxing!” and “stress-relieving!” yoga sessions. Then there’s a moment in which I watch some betch’s yoga ass walk by and I start thinking about how cool it would be to Instagram photos of myself standing on my head in scenic locations, if I ever went to scenic locations, if I even had an Instagram. And I find myself with an hour to spare, shamelessly Googling “yoga for beginners” alone in my bedroom.

It takes me an hour to remember exactly how fucking much I hate yoga.

  1. “Now breathe.”

You condescending prick, I don’t need to be reminded to breathe. I’m sitting here laying on my back. There’s nothing else to do except Continue reading

Sherman Ave Interviews: Alexis Maxwell

8 Apr
(via CBS)

(via CBS)

Did you know that there was a Northwestern senior on Survivor? We do. We interviewed her. Alexis Maxwell represented us ‘Cats on Season 28 of Survivor, which pitted Brains against Brawns against Beauties. Alexis put her SESP and psychology skills to the test in the Beauty tribe before she was ultimately voted off the show. While she may not have won the million dollar prize, Alexis captured the hearts of creepy men on twitter, past Survivor contestants, and two of our heinous writers:

Smangston Hughes: So should we refer to you as Alexis or Alexis-Maxwell-That-Girl-in-Theta-on-Survivor? Which do you prefer?

Alexis: (Laughs) You could cut the Theta part.

Smangston Hughes: Perfect. So besides Dillo Day, how did your Northwestern experience help prepare you for Survivor? Continue reading

Imaginary Conversation with Cute Girl in Front Row Going Great

8 Apr
The girl in question, from your point-of-view. (via mwestsite.wordpress.com)

The girl in question, from your point-of-view. (via mwestsite.wordpress.com)

EVANSTON, Il. – According to multiple sources within your consciousness, the conversation you are currently imagining with that cute girl in the front row of your Econ 202 class is going really well, and you are coming off as uncharacteristically charming and witty. Throughout this hypothetical exchange, the female with approachable, sort of “girl next door” good looks is laughing at all of your jokes—as they are being delivered with impeccable comedic timing—and understands all of the obscure pop culture references. She has even probably watched and can quote lines from the entire Monty Python TV series, much to your pretend surprise.

The “down-to-earth” personality that you have invented for this girl—based largely off the fact that she is wearing Converses and has a Bon Iver sticker on her laptop—seems to be Continue reading

BREAKING: Procrastination A Real Thing, Girl Confirms

7 Apr

Girl with booksEVANSTON, Il —The existence of procrastination was confirmed early this morning. Weinberg junior Megan Rathburn ended a long period of speculation today with the definitive statement that, “Yeah, procrastination is a real thing.”

The announcement came on the heels of a brief conversation regarding the urge to watch Netflix when one should be working. Procrastination, which, according to Rathburn, is “such a struggle,” now explains a previously gaping hole in human behavior.

“We always knew that important work wasn’t always being completed by deadlines, but now we finally have an explanation as to why,” reported Dr. Linda Jensen, a leading human behavior specialist at Johns Hopkins University.

Rachel Hayes, a colleague of Rathburn’s, corroborated the announcement that individuals often put off important duties this afternoon.

Continue reading

Things The Man Doesn’t Tell You about Going Vegetarian

7 Apr
LOOK HOW HAPPY SHE IS.  DONT YOU WANT TO BE THAT HAPPY.

LOOK HOW HAPPY SHE IS. DON’T YOU WANT TO BE THAT HAPPY???

Hey kool kollege kid, want to check another cliché off your list? Already converted to Buddhism, studied abroad, went Greek, and pissed away your parents’ retirement funds playing 2048 instead of taking finals? Need something to mitigate the fears of your advancing alcoholism? Don’t worry, you don’t even have to move to save the world. You can literally eat fucktons of fries and be able to call yourself a hero. How? Skip the meat, become vegetarian, and BAM: you’re compassionate. Now go forth, and quote Finding Nemo un-ironically because ~fish are friends, not food~.

But wait[1], that being said, here are a few things to keep in mind coming from someone you should totally trust completely with all life decisions because internet: Continue reading

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