“I Only Have One Final,” Reports Dickhead

5 Jun
At least he has more time to focus on rushing Sig Nu.

At least he has more time to focus on rushing Sig Nu.

EVANSTON, Ill. – In a press conference this morning, some total dickhead announced to everyone that he only has one final this quarter.

“Yeah, it’s honestly really nice,” said the absolute douchesicle.  “Everyone else is really stressed, and I’m just sitting here chilling.  I just have one final next week, and it’s only on material from weeks 9 and 10.  How’s your finals week going?”

The Anusmelon’s announcement has been met with substantial public outcry, especially among Northwestern’s virgin engineer population.  In addition to organizing a march down Sheridan Road this afternoon to show solidarity for how much they despite this piece of human dogshit, the McCormick School of Engineering has planned a candlelight vigil for this evening to honor the gruesome death of fairness.

Continue reading 

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What They Didn’t Teach Me In College (But I Learned Anyway)

5 Jun
I still haven't learned how to throw these properly.

I still haven’t learned how to throw these properly.

When I left for college four years ago, I (like most of you) imagined I would be immersed in an environment full of intellects on their journey to better themselves by furthering their education.

I was wrong.

I soon learned that going to college is really just a lot of procrastinating on the Internet and complaining about classes crammed between drunken weekends. And it was between two especially drunken weekends in the fall of my freshman year that I learned my first lesson: There are a lot of stupid people in this world, and many of them will be more successful than you, and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Continue reading 

Instagram Enthusiast Shocked To Discover 1977 Also A Year

4 Jun

1977 was weird.

DUBLIN, Ohio – Local 10th grader and frequent Instagram user Olivia Butterfield expressed genuine surprise in her history class this morning when her teacher referenced 1977 as a year in which numerous important historical events occurred, sources report.

“She said that Carter was inaugurated in 1977, and I was like, are you kidding?” said Butterfield.  ”The Sutro filter would make much more sense for a historical event like that.  Maybe even an Inkwell, though that would be a much riskier choice.”

When her history teacher, 29-year-old Ohio native John Pinkerton,explained to Continue reading 

The El at Night: A Poem

4 Jun

TRAIN(1)

Outside the Keg, I loosed a sigh,
The frigid air cut to my core.
“It should be spring,” I dared to cry,
“Still freezing cold! Chi-town! You whore!”

It was past one, a Friday night,
And dark as Tisdahl’s crumpled heart.
I felt my mind flood then with fright,
For I had quite a trek to start.

Though I had drank with all my boys
I had forgotten what I’d known.
For I lived North, At Sherman-Noyes,
And now, alas, I was alone.

I gazed upon the road ahead
Its passage paved with glacial air
And thought, “I would rather be dead,
Then walk the way from here to there.”

But dare I face the other choice?
A risky move at better times!
“Just call safe ride!” rang out a voice!
“Or Anything! Except the El!”

But I ignored that fateful call
And soon I found myself again,
Inside an almost empty hall
Of rattling steel, upon the train.

I say ‘almost’ for there was one
Who sat across the car from me.
He sat as silent as a nun,
His forehead resting on his knee.

“Only two stops,” I muttered then.
“Yes! Only two, and then I’m home.”
Oh hope, how you do toy with men!
Alas, if I had only known!

For as the train began to fly
And travel North, to bare me hence,
This other man, he met my eye
With such a glare to give offense.

And then he stood and turned, and sort
Of slowly, he began to stride
Along the aisle, stopping short
Of where I sat; of where I cried.

For I had seen a dreadful sight!
A sight most terrible and crude.
He was riding the El at night,
Completely and utterly nude!

At last the train came to a stop
At Foster: one stop short of mine.
I lept from my seat with a hop,
And found myself, at 1:09,

Back on the road, to walk the rest.
For I had seen a gruesome scene,
And I had learned that it is best,
To stagger home in moonlight’s gleam.

Remember this! Please hear my cries,
And save yourself a horrid fright.
That comes from seeing naked guys,
Who ride the el here, late at night!

The Six People You Drunk Dialed on Dillo

3 Jun

Like you were drinking martinis on Dillo Day...

Like you were drinking martinis on Dillo Day…

So you survived Dillo. Congrats.

But you should check the call log on your phone once you dig it out of the lakefill mud. You blackout-called a ton of people:

1. Your mom
She was out gardening on such a nice Saturday when she got a call from her least favorite child:

“Hi honey, how is your day?”
“It’s not just a day, mom. It’s fucking DILLO DAY”
“Did you say it’s Dildo Day?”
“No mom it’s Dillo, don’t you hear Danny Brown playing?”

Your mom listened, horrified at the screeching coming through her receiver, but thankfully your bad service made Danny Brown sound somewhat tolerable.

Continue reading 

Review of Game of Thrones, Season 3, Episode 9, AKA the worst thing that ever happened to me

3 Jun

THERE WILL BE SPOILERS IN THIS ARTICLE.  

That being said, there will also be spoilers in the episode.  Not only spoilers of plotlines, but also spoilers of any remnant of joy you might have been able to salvage since Game of Thrones last took it from you by giving you an unobstructed view of Hodor’s dick.

Before we get into the disturbing horrors of My Big Fat Red Wedding, in which Windex would solve none of the problems at hand (unless you’re the poor bastard charged with cleaning all of the INNOCENT BLOOD FROM THE FLOOR), let’s talk about the other important characters in this episode. Continue reading 

Tales of a Dillo Day Groupme

2 Jun

For some reason, we thought it would be a fun idea to make a group texting thread among 18 Sherman Ave writers on Dillo Day.

It was not a good idea.  Most of our phones died before 2pm and we all hated everyone.

We have recreated some of the most heinous conversations for your viewing pleasure.  We only hope that this can bring a tiny ray of sunshine to your debilitating headache and nausea.


Continue reading 

Dillo Postponed to May 2014

1 Jun

EVANSTON – Mayfest announced this evening that Dillo Day is officially postponed to May 2014, due to a combination of inclement weather, contractual issues, and the proven nonexistence of a higher power.

A storm rolled in around 4pm, clearing out the avid Walk the Moon fan listening to the concert.  Then there was an e-mail from someone

Students responded negatively but there was

nvm too drunk to write this

bye

Mayfest: And That’s Why You Always Leave A Note

31 May
"We cancelled Dillo because you left the door open with the air conditioning on."

“We cancelled Dillo because you left the door open with the air conditioning on.”

EVANSTON– Mayfest announced Friday morning that the group’s 18-month delay in announcing Dillo Day’s nighttime headliner was all part of an elaborate plan to teach Northwestern students to leave a note when necessary.

“Maybe next time you guys will leave a goddamn note to let us know whether we can holler about blowjobs,” Mayfest co-chair William Timmins-Claus said. “This whole debacle? Continue reading 

A Sherman Ave Dillo Day PSA

31 May

Written and Directed by Manua Hiki-Hiki, Starring Alabaster Chevrolet.

Thanks to all involved, and remember kids: You don’t have to drink to enjoy Dillo Day, but it sure helps.

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