For information on The Secretariat, watch any episode of Mad Men.
Last year, we received nearly ZERO death threats after turning every Kentucky Derby horse’s name into a sexual maneuver. Based on that success, we decided to try it again! We
proudly ashamedly present the 2013 edition of If The Name Of Every Kentucky Derby Horse Was A Sexual Maneuver:
Revolutionary: This move is typically only intended for couples who have lost some of that spark in the relationship. In practice, “Revolutionary” is essentially the same as missionary position, but throughout the act both parties attempt to convince the other that what they’re doing is especially novel and stimulating. The French variation of “Revolutionary” is almost entirely similar, except in 69 rather than missionary position and with a woman who refuses to shave her armpit hair.
Overanalyze: A thrilling sexual practice usually only attempted by the most experienced and mature couples, the “Overanalyze” entails taking all your clothes off, standing on opposite sides of the room from each other, and asking what the hell you’re doing with them. You were so pretty in high-school. He should be taller. Oh my god, what if this guy poked a hole in the condom and gets you pregnant? Are you ready for that?
Orb: WARNING: Not intended for anal insertion. For external use only. Batteries not included.
Sherman Ave countercultural correspondent Evander Jones recounts last year’s drunken, debauched scene at the infield of Churchill Downs.
I GOT OFF the charter bus around midnight and no one spoke as I walked into the Seymour, Indiana Days Inn. The air was thick and hot, like wandering into the men’s bathroom of the Keg. Inside, people hugged each other and shook hands … big grins and a whoop here and there: “By God! You old bastard! Come here bro.”
In the air-conditioned lounge I met an Econ major who said his name was something or other — “but just call me Jimbo” — and he was here to get it on. “I’m ready for anything, by God! Anything at all. Yeah, what are you drinkin?” I ordered a Margarita with ice, but he wouldn’t hear of it: “Naw, naw … what the hell kind of drink is that for Kentucky Derby time? What’s wrong with you, boy?” He grinned and winked at the bartender. “Goddam, we gotta educate this boy. Get him some good whiskey … “
I shrugged. “Okay, a double Old Fitz on ice.” Jimbo nodded his approval.
Jason Collins, showing off his Fidelius Charm.
LIMBO–Professor Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, former headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, expressed his excitement this afternoon that another wizard, Washington Wizards center Jason Collins, had come out as gay.
In a press conference at the mystical limbo-like Kings Cross, the founder of the Order of the Phoenix congratulated the NBA journeyman Collins for becoming the first openly gay athlete in one of the four North American major sports leagues, writing, “It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to your enemies, but even more to be gay in the NBA. Differences of habit and language are nothing at all if our aims are identical and our hearts are open. Except Dennis Rodman.”
Dear Assistant Coach at a high-profile Division I university,
I’m writing to invite you to interview for the Northwestern basketball coaching vacancy. Now, before you ask, NU is not in the Northwest quadrant of the country, nor is it that school in Boston. And yes, we do have a basketball team.
Your familiarity with the Wildcats’ program may stem entirely from picking us to lose early in your office NIT pool the last couple of years, but we have a lot more to offer than a potential trip to Madison Square Garden every once in a while.
We are, after all, Chicago’s Big Ten Team, which proves a huge advantage in recruiting the city’s top prospects. Check out our roster. We nabbed an occasionally useful back-up center from Chi-City and have totally cornered the Naperville market.
You’ll recruit out-of-state by pitching NU as the best academic school in the Big Ten.
Last night, yeah, last night I was sitting in my living room next to a fire fueled by the heads of my enemies, stroking ‘Metta World Hunger,’ my beloved hyena.
Reading about techniques to maintain the perfect rose garden and shit.
When all of a sudden some soon-to-be-dead motherfucker went all a-knocking on my chamber door. And I said ‘Yo it’s just some soon-to-be-dead motherfucker rapping on my chamber door.
Only some shit like that and nothing more.’
Ah, distinctly I still wake up from terrible nightmares of last December. As I watched Nash and Pau drag their decrepit corpses all across the floor.
Eagerly, I wished to be traded.
Vainly, I tried to escape Kobe, and wept for the loss of my beloved mind.
For the rare and radiant hoodrat-for-life my mother named Ronald.
Metta Word Peace for evermore.
Carmody, upon realizing Edzo’s is closed on Mondays.
On a scale of 1 to fired, Bill Carmody is like a fucking 12. I just needed to get that off my chest. I mean, GODDAMN was he fucked. You know that part in the first Harry Potter book when our three heroes walk in on that crazy, three-headed dog by accident? And they look up and they’re all like, “Oh, shiiit.” That’s Carmody. Except he isn’t magic and the door just locked behind him.
As an avid Carmody supporter, I really don’t want to use this space to talk about whether he SHOULD HAVE been fired. Because like lets be real boy was going to get fired. Did you watch any part of last season? No? I mean, exactly my point.
“Do not want.” – Phil Jackson
EVANSTON- Phil Jackson issued a statement Thursday night saying “in the strongest possible terms” that the legendary former Chicago Bulls and Los Angeles Lakers coach has “absolutely no interest” in becoming Northwestern’s next men’s basketball coach.
The move comes amid speculation that current head coach Bill Carmody will be fired following a 13-19 season.
“To all those who have called, tweeted, written, shouted, pounded on my door in the middle of the night, sent notes on rocks through my window, or burned ‘#B1GCATS’ into my lawn to encourage me to coach Northwestern, I just want to say this: Eat all of the shit you can find. Then die,” the Zen Master said in the statement.
Alternatively: Sing “The Wheels on the Car Go Round and Round” for the entire race.
Step One: Do not watch the Daytona 500.
Step Two: If the instructions were unclear and you failed at Step One, try this.
Step Three: Wait for the Oscars.
CHICAGO, IL – The day after Super Bowl Sunday has come to mark a national holiday for little girls across the country as tens of thousands of drunk fathers rush to buy the Clydesdale horses that appear annually in national Budweiser commercials.
A group of seven men who viewed Super Bowl XLVII at Callaway’s Pub in Chicago’s Lakeview neighborhood echoed the voices of many drunken men across the United States who happened to be well into their eighth beers as this year’s iconic Clydesdale Budweiser ad played.
“That man gave his horse everything he got, and it broke his damn heart when the fella didn’t recognize him after all those years,” claimed Lou Romano with tears welling in his eyes, “Hell, nearly broke our damn hearts, too.”
Te’o, seen here pondering where it all went wrong with Cindy.
SOUTH BEND — A lengthy Sherman Ave investigation has uncovered that Notre Dame star linebacker Manti Te’o lied to sixth grade classmates about having a girlfriend from a summer stay-away camp.
Te’o reportedly told friends that he and his “girlfriend” went all the way to second base, but that she lived really far away and wouldn’t be coming to visit. They were totally a thing, though, he assured his pals.
When sixth-grade bully AJ McCarron said he “didn’t think any girl would ever date a pussy like [Te’o],” the future Heisman Trophy finalist became visibly agitated and screamed that she was real, according to those familiar with the situation. Continue reading