In a last ditch effort to maintain a distant trace of cultural relevance, former Vice President Al Gore has pointed to what is described as a “calendar oddity” as further proof of global climate change.
Gore, at his 2011 speech about the dangers of toasters
An early Hanukkah and a late Thanksgiving happen to overlap this year, causing the extremely rare “Hanukkiving,” “Thanksgivikkah” or “Handsky,” for short. The visibly disillusioned author of “An Inconvenient Truth” addressed this issue with the waiting room of an optometrist’s office while holding a glass jar labeled “Global Warming Donations” filled with hand-written IOU notes from Gore himself. Continue reading
When a mayor admits to crack use and is subsequently stripped of his powers, Sherman Ave admires in sheer awe. That’s why we’ve followed the steady descent of Toronto Mayor Elizabeth Tisdahl’s Rob Ford’s political career into profound heinousness with a tip of the hat and a wink of approval. To determine his progress, we’ve compared two of Ford’s physical blunders over the past six months in a competition which will now universally be known as “Rob Ford Encounters People/Things in his Path.” Here are the two contestants:
WASHINGTON– President Obama announced in a nationally televised address Thursday that he will commemorate the legacy of the late President John F. Kennedy, who was shot and killed 50 years ago in Dallas, by having regular sexual intercourse with Kim Kardashian.
“We have a solemn duty as Americans to remember President Kennedy’s legacy each and every day,” Obama said from the Oval Office. “To live as he lived. To do as he did. To contract STI’s as he contracted STI’s.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sources have reported that the United States Congress is “way harder to get into” than it was before the shutdown, which commenced on September 30th.
In a press conference this morning, President Obama hinted that he encouraged Congress to take necessary measures to ensure that a shutdown would not occur again.
“There’s no way around the fact that the government shut down due to the presence of certain people in Congress,” said Obama. “We need to make sure those people aren’t allowed in ever again.”
The new ID policy is so strict that even Continue reading
CHICAGO-Pandemonium reigned today when a meeting between Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel and officials from Chicago Public Schools was interrupted by a group of supporters from the National Man Boy Love Association (NAMBLA).
“Yeah!” The assembled 37 ‘Lovers of Young Men’ shouted. “Give it to those kids!”
The NAMBLAites reported that they were at the meeting to express their support for the Mayor’s decision to recently close 50 Chicago schools. Local Chicago NAMBLA spokesman Joseph Fridbaker stated: “I’ve never seen anybody fuck so many kids at once. I mean, we’re talking thousands. It really is a remarkable achievement.”
“I have no idea how you would negotiate with Ted Cruz.” – Somali Pirate
“That banana republic?” asks Mogadishu shopkeeper and pirate, Hufan Samatar, with a chuckle, “who would want to move there?” He takes a slow drag of his cigarette. “What more do I need to say? America is Continue reading
In a controversial 5-4 decision this week, the Supreme Court announced the end of morality, and with it, the complete destruction of the nuclear family structure. With the invalidation of Proposition 8, as well as the 1996 federal DOMA bill, the Highest Court has decided to allow California to continue its decline into wretched hedonism, while simultaneously opening the floodgates of sin across the entire nation.
Speaking for the court majority, Justice Anthony Kennedy had this to say: “The age of Christian ethics is over. Now, all is free. Now all people can declare marriage to whomever or whatever they choose. Man and man. Man and dog. Man and chair. The sacred act of marriage has been permanently corrupted, so go forth, ye ravenous fools, and marry all that you see!” Continue reading
Those glasses are pretty…yeah, you know.
While reading his dissenting opinion in the Supreme Court’s ruling that denial of federal benefits to married same-sex couples is unconstitutional, Scalia loudly shouted that the whole ordeal was “GAAAAAY.”
“Hah!” reported Scalia. “GAAAAAYYYYY!”
Going on to break traditional decorum in an especially unconventional way, Scalia interrupted Justice Anthony Kennedy’s reading of his majority opinion by interjecting, “GAY! GAY GAY GAYYYYYY! SO GAY!”
Added Scalia, “So ghey.”
Breaking weeks of silence, Justice Clarence Thomas even chimed in as well.
“Haha,” said Thomas. “Yeah, pretty gay.”
In other news, Texas legislators have all agreed to reset their clocks, which, having not been calibrated for some time, tell the lawmakers it’s still 1953.
EVANSTON—Mayor Elizabeth Tisdahl verified claims this morning that she surrendered her 44-year-old daughter (Kathy E. Tisdahl) to Chicchan, the Mayan rain deity last night “in the heat of the moment.” Tisdahl was spotted in a frog-like squat, crouched on the top of Northwestern’s Rebecca Crowne Clock Tower at twilight. She performed the sacrifice at the stroke of midnight, reportedly in opposition to NU’s upcoming annual Dillo Day festival.
Tisdahl would not confirm reports that she had attempted to sink the Lakefill.
“It was worth it,” Tisdahl declared as a mass of foam discharged from her mouth. “I literally couldn’t think of a better way to spend my night.” Continue reading
One Northwestern. One Shitshow.
In the wake of a heated Associated Student Government Senate meeting last Wednesday night, ASG President Ani Ajith is scrambling to fill numerous vacancies for cabinet positions left unconfirmed following the acrimonious session. While ASG‘s failure to confirm the chief of staff, vice president for public relations and associate vice president for diversity and inclusion positions for political, racial, and fecal reasons received wide coverage, the following seven essential positions also remain unconfirmed.
1. Smash Mouth’s slot at Dillo Day
Despite widespread support for the 1990s pop-rock band’s appointment to Dillo Day‘s traditional “Bands-You-Listened-To-In-Middle-School-Nostalgic-Daytime Slot,” the selection committee’s nomination was blocked by senate vote following a contentious floor debate. Bobb senator Biff Pemberton expressed concern with the band’s rumored appointment, claiming that the band “just wasn’t experienced enough” for the responsibility of performing for thousands of drunken college kids. Pemberton went on to filibuster the proceedings, playing Smash Mouth’s 2005 Christmas album Gift of Rock on repeat for eight-hours nonstop.