Part 1 of A Wildly Inaccurate Biography of Mayor Elizabeth Tisdahl
In the summer of 1962, a young man named Willie walks out of a liquor store carrying two cases of Bud Light and a handle of Congress vodka. He struggles under the weight of his purchases, lumbering uneasily toward a purple and white Chevy Impala parked 30 feet from the clear glass doors.
After depositing his booze in the trunk, being sure to bring five cans of beer up to the front seat with him, he slides the key into the ignition. The engine sputters for a moment and then roars to life. Willie wastes no time in speeding out into the cool night air, shotgunning a can of beer all the while.
There is, in a more ancient part of the world, a pit. Where men are thrown to wither and die. It is said, however, that every so often, the pit spits something back.
The year is 1946, and a young child has just crawled out of the darkness.
Evanston, Illinois will never be confused with West Palm Beach. Tiny boutique shops lining crisscrossing one way streets in downtown are interrupted every few blocks by residential high rises and the occasional Continue reading
The Iconic “Spirit of Detroit” monument. In its left and right hands are Detroit mascots Ulrich the Urchin and “The Naked Nicklesons”, respectively.
Unless you owe somebody $18 billion, you have more money than the city of Detroit.
Detroit recently announced that it is declaring Chapter 9 bankruptcy, because, in Detroit, the best and most proven way to solve a problem is to give up. The tragicomedy of the situation, of course, is that it couldn’t even succeed in declaring itself a failure; in essence, even having no money is too much money for Detroit to be able to handle. While there are multiple reasons (a shrinking population, too many public sector employees, this guy named Kwame Kilpatrick, etc.) why Detroit is in the situation it’s in now, those are too hard to understand; and if college has taught me anything, it’s that the best way to declare yourself an expert on a subject is to be really loud, vocal, and domineering about that subject while doing as little research as possible, because, as everyone age 16-28 knows, intelligence is directly proportional to the amount of Facebook posts you have about Egypt.
Squatty potties decided the Cold War.
Khrushchev didn’t come to an agreement with Kennedy because he wanted to avoid a nuclear apocalypse; he phoned in the Cuban Missile Crisis in because he really didn’t want to negotiate with JFK while using one of the Politburo’s standing-room-only toilets. Gorbachev didn’t tear down the wall and end the Communist era because Reagan said so; he simply was tired of taking a shit standing up.
It was the night of the 16th, Decembah of 1773. The tea ship Dahtmouth had arrived in Boston Hahbah, but had yet to unlahd and pay its duties. We was all in one wicked pissah of a mood. It was like da Broons had just lahst the Cup or something.
So anyways, Guvna Hutchison was a total dick of a chowdahead, and wudn’t let us send the fukin’ ship and tea back to Englahnd, which was total frickin’ gahbidge. So me and about foddy friends of mine from my Hahvid days who called ahselves the Sons of Liberty decide to have us a meeting. And wouldn’t you know it, 7,000 Bahstonians show up wicked pissed about the whole thing. Despite not having one lettah ‘r’ between us, we all come up with a wicked killah wahld class idea. Continue reading
Nothing turns my man on like the frills on my bonnet.
I sit at home on a surprisingly warm November evening. The year is 1765, and it has been the year of my flourishing. All my life, I have been a woman of desires. I have yearned for something but never attained it; sought something but never found it; desired something but never had the pleasure of fulfillment. It has been in 1765 when it all changed.
Gender: I am male
Orientation: I am straight
Status: I am married, but seeking
every piece of tail I can get some action on the side.
Birthdate: April 13, 1743. I am old, but experienced
Your location: Second Continental Congress, Philadelphia. Continue reading
1977 was weird.
DUBLIN, Ohio – Local 10th grader and frequent Instagram user Olivia Butterfield expressed genuine surprise in her history class this morning when her teacher referenced 1977 as a year in which numerous important historical events occurred, sources report.
“She said that Carter was inaugurated in 1977, and I was like, are you kidding?” said Butterfield. ”The Sutro filter would make much more sense for a historical event like that. Maybe even an Inkwell, though that would be a much riskier choice.”
When her history teacher, 29-year-old Ohio native John Pinkerton,explained to Continue reading
“Ich bin ein Wildcat”- President Kennedy.
Deceased President John Fitzgerald Kennedy today announced via televised press conference that he endorses fellow deceased President Andrew Jackson for the position of president of Northwestern University’s Associated Student Government.
Looking dapper as always and speaking directly to members of the NU student body, Kennedy said: “I trust yo-ah student body will wisely choose the right man for the job, Andrew Jackson. Not only is he qualified to carry on this institution’s dedication to racial and social equality, he has also promised to do absolutely nothing to enhance student life once elected, which is the express purpose of this office.”
Kennedy reminded the students, “Ask nawt what yo-ah university student govahment can do for you-ah, but… well, don’t ask, because they don’t know-er what they are supposed to do for you-ah. Honestly you should nawt expect much no matter what the result.”
When questioned why he was endorsing Old Hickory rather than one of the other candidates, Kennedy chose to speak candidly: “Look guys, you don’t know how much shit I have to take from Jackson and the rest now that it’s socially acceptable to make jokes about my assassination.” The conference was awkward thereafter.
Choosing to break the awkward silence, a heavily intoxicated Sophomore Comm student asked Kennedy whether he often had to put up with taunts in ‘President Heaven’, Kennedy responded: “Yes, er… uh… Heaven… that’s exactly what it is” and vanished in a burst of hellfire.
This year’s field of ASG presidential candidates is full of students with a variety of ideas, platforms and qualifications to hold Northwestern’s highest elected office. And then, there’s Andrew Jackson.
For those who don’t know, our nation’s seventh president is apparently mounting an insurgent campaign for ASG president, as publicized by flyering, chalking, a Facebook fan page and an active Twitter account. While we are immensely flattered that a former U.S. president would run for ASG, we at The Ave can no longer ignore his horrific record of human rights violations and therefore must call on Andrew Jackson to drop out of the race for ASG president immediately.
I’d shoot him in a duel.
Jackson is running as “The People’s President,” a moniker he earned for his populist style of campaigning and governing. Yet this slogan begs the question: which people? Surely if we are to be #OneNorthwestern then we must recognize that our ASG president must have respect for all members of our community. Continue reading