Hello future heinouses. So housing applications just came out, and you’ve probably been attempting to do research on the dorms at Northwestern. Maybe you ask older friends who go to NU about the dorms, sift through the Residential Life website, or you’ve seen that one article that names Bobb the biggest party dorm in the country (to be honest they probably ranked dorms based on how often and strongly they smell like vomit). So you’re wondering where you’d fit in. Do you want to live North or South? Do you want a big dorm or a small dorm? Do you want to live somewhere that’s actually not a shit hole? Should you live in a dorm with a dining hall? Can you tolerate the smell of vomit on the daily? If you answered “North,” “big,” “yes,” “DUH,” and “not really,” LIVE IN ELDER. Continue reading
By now, you’ve probably heard about something called Dillo Day. My guess is that when you first heard tell of this legendary shitshow, your first thought was “Teehee. That sounds like Dildo.” Well, I’m gearing up for my third Dillo Day, and that same thought still crosses my head every single time it’s mentioned, so you’re in decent shape.
You may still feel a bit confused about Dillo. That’s understandable, because Dillo is sort of like peeing on the Washington Monument; you don’t realize how great it is until you’ve actually done it. But since we’re to
irreversibly corrupt help you, we’re going to do the best we can to tell you about the heavenly glory of Dillo Day. Continue reading
Hello, incoming member of the class of 2017. How are you? Nervous? Why? Oh! You’re filling out your roommate application, and you’re worried because you have no idea who your roommate, the person who you will see possibly more than any other person next year, will be, or what he/she will be like. You are frightened, hesitant, and confused.
Well, I am here to assure that you should definitely be all of those things. The roommate application is an extremely big deal. The quality of your roommate, your sleeping area comrade, your bedroom buddy, could single-handedly make or break your freshman year, and determine whether that active aggression turns into passive aggression. Let me put it another way: Imagine you are on a game show, and you have to choose to open one of two doors. Behind one door is a normal person. Behind the other door is a large, cross-eyed ogre who will rip your fingernails out, one by one. That is what choosing your roommate is like.
I was actually one of the fortunate ones on this account. Few know it, but my freshman year roommate was in fact the distinguished and (dis)honorable Alabaster Chevrolet. It’s true. We formed a bond almost instantly, and shared many memorable moments: From the time when Alabaster slept for three days straight, to the time we found and killed a small raccoon that had broken in through our window
, to the time when we gave each other tuggies after I learned my hamster died. Continue reading
So you’ve been accepted to Northwestern. Big fucking deal. So was just about everyone who writes for Sherman Ave AND Chet Haze (who may or may not also write for Sherman Ave). You have accomplished nothing of any difficulty and importance, and this school will spend the next four years reminding you of that fact. So now that you have a little perspective, it’s time to get you prepped on everything you’ll need to know to survive the gauntlet of purple and white!
Soon, the Daily Northwestern, NBN, your parents, and dozens of other sources will be filling you in on the best dining halls, the characteristics of the two sides of campus and what the party scene is like. Even The Flipside will take the opportunity to desperately grasp at readership by printing freshman-oriented pieces.
Since old Uncle Samwise can’t do a better job than the rest at giving you everything you’ll need to know, I’ll have to settle for giving everything else you’ll need to know.
Welcum class of 2017! Now that you’ve been accepted, bombarded with FAFSA, and “studied” for AP tests (or wait, are you fucks done with school already?) it’s time to get hella pumped for college. You’re a future Wildcat, which means you are involved in every extracurricular under the sun, except for the good ones. Like sleeping. And smoking. And screwing. And (as we on the Ave know is most important) getting iced.
All of us current students know that the class of 2017 is a bunch of little turds because you made tuition go up once again, so you really need to step up your game and fit in right away.
This installment of the Freshman Guide is all about the linguistic complexity of language in the Midwest, and particularly the phenomenon of passive-aggressive comments. Learning how to be passive-aggressive seems to be unique to the Midwest since the East Coast is straight aggressive, and anyone west of Colorado is too high to care.
Dear Northwestern University Class of 2017,
I know you’ve probably read the latest email from the Northwestern administration, saying you’re the smartest, most diverse, most sexually capable class of students to ever be admitted to Northwestern University. I know you’re probably feeling pretty good about yourselves, and you feel special in the eyes of Northwestern. But let me tell you something: don’t believe them. They’ll only hurt you.
I remember when I got my first email from Northwestern. They told me I was “quick-witted, sharp, creative.” They told me I was beautiful. They told me I was the only student they’d ever make love to. And then a new class came along, and all of a sudden I wasn’t so smart, I wasn’t so special, and I wasn’t so pretty. I was nothing to them – just another mark on their admissions list. Continue reading
Congratulations on your acceptance to Weinberg College of Arts and Sceinces! It’s a magical place where humanities majors do whatever it is they do while premeds commiserate. If your parents are pressuring you into becoming a doctor you’re thinking about going pre-med, you sure as hell better study this guide before stepping foot into Chem 101.
DO go to office hours. That shit is helpful. Also, figure out a systematic way to study that works for you and your brain. It’s a process of trial and error, but once you figure it out you’ll be a rock star.
…that’s actually the only “Do” I can think of, because did I mention that I’m a Sherman Ave writer so I don’t have my shit together?