WASHINGTON, DC–A recent poll of high school graduates across 400 schools from 48 states shows a near unanimous decision to just say “Ahh fuck it” when asked about any kind of post-high school plans. When probed to see what that meant exactly, a majority of students responded, “I dunno, whatever.”
“I mean, it’s like, what am I even going to do? Work with computers?” exclaimed high school senior Stephanie Kaspersky. “Hashtag no thanks. I’d rather make jewelry.”
EVANSTON—Mayor Elizabeth Tisdahl verified claims this morning that she surrendered her 44-year-old daughter (Kathy E. Tisdahl) to Chicchan, the Mayan rain deity last night “in the heat of the moment.” Tisdahl was spotted in a frog-like squat, crouched on the top of Northwestern’s Rebecca Crowne Clock Tower at twilight. She performed the sacrifice at the stroke of midnight, reportedly in opposition to NU’s upcoming annual Dillo Day festival.
Tisdahl would not confirm reports that she had attempted to sink the Lakefill.
“It was worth it,” Tisdahl declared as a mass of foam discharged from her mouth. “I literally couldn’t think of a better way to spend my night.” Continue reading
With the resurfacing of mental health discourse on campus at Northwestern, it’s about time we have a serious discussion about priorities. With the shocking death of a third student this year, people are understandably angry and confused. We once again mobilize over the buzzword “mental health,” eager to take action to prevent further tragedies. We point fingers at the lackluster counseling services on campus and cry out for more awareness of mental health issues through implementing a new ENU. But we fail to acknowledge our own complicity as a community.
After each suicide this year, I’ve been struck by community’s shock that anything was wrong in the first place. Now, all Northwestern students sacrifice their health and happiness from time to time to beat the curve, and many suffer in silence. But there are those among us who do not choose our unhappiness for later rewards. We suffer so deeply that the joys of our lives remain out of reach. Yet we too stay silent and go through the motions, even if we have been left void of all feeling, even if it absolutely destroys us inside. I do not wish to put words into others’ mouths, but I can at the very least say that I understand what this is like. Many of you know me as a good friend of the Ave and a leader of many campus organizations, but I am also a rape survivor.
The upcoming release of Vampire Weekend’s new album has incited a bidding war among major American companies, with the feeding frenzy for these hot pieces of Americana will only get more intense as the release date approaches, according to industry analysts.
Some in the industry, speaking on the condition of anonymity to admit they haven’t listened to the album, say that speculated players like Ralph Lauren and Toyota have entered the bidding sphere for the rights to use the songs in ads, and possible spending looks to climb to $10 or even $20 million dollars for the license rights to one of their toe-tapping, wallet-clutching beats. Sources at Bloomberg are saying they wouldn’t be surprised to see the songs enter into an IPO.
Vampire Weekend’s 2008 release sold nearly half a million copies, and more than a quarter million chandeliers.
Senior VP of Marketing for Ralph Lauren, Lauren Elkins, has already made a statement as to what Ralph Lauren will do with the song: “We’re thinking of taking a sepia-tinted photo montage of a girl growing up in Ralph Lauren clothes to the song Diane Young.” Continue reading
An anonymous post on the Northwestern Crushes Facebook page has prompted a Bienen junior to believe that she just HAS to be the subject of the crush.
On the morning of Saturday, April 27th, Northwestern Crushes published the following anonymous declaration of love signed by “a friend”:
“Note: This is NOT about Hayley,” the crush said probably.
“We’ve been friends for the past year. You don’t know how I feel about you and I don’t know how to tell you. You’re beautiful and I’m so lucky to have met you. I don’t want to say your name, but I hope one day I can tell you how I really feel. Sincerely, a friend.”
Weinberg junior Hayley Smith announced Monday that she is just so sure that the post is about her.
“It said ‘You’re beautiful and I’m so lucky to have met you,’” she noted. “I mean, that has to be me, right?”
Smith’s certainty still remains questioned. One student commented on the post “Jill Kim, is this you?” The comment received 3 ‘likes’. Another student commented “lolololol Erin Hayes.” Smith waved the comments away.
“The post clearly says ‘We’ve been friends for the past year.’ Who else could that possibly be referring to?” she said.
This is the second post that Smith claims “could LITERALLY not be about anyone else.” She referred to another anonymous post from April 15th that mentioned “the girl with the brown hair sitting in Norbucks.”
Monitor of the “NU Crushes” Facebook page declined to comment and the matter is still under investigation by NUPD.
-The Infinite Guest
For information on The Secretariat, watch any episode of Mad Men.
Last year, we received nearly ZERO death threats after turning every Kentucky Derby horse’s name into a sexual maneuver. Based on that success, we decided to try it again! We
proudly ashamedly present the 2013 edition of If The Name Of Every Kentucky Derby Horse Was A Sexual Maneuver:
Revolutionary: This move is typically only intended for couples who have lost some of that spark in the relationship. In practice, “Revolutionary” is essentially the same as missionary position, but throughout the act both parties attempt to convince the other that what they’re doing is especially novel and stimulating. The French variation of “Revolutionary” is almost entirely similar, except in 69 rather than missionary position and with a woman who refuses to shave her armpit hair.
Overanalyze: A thrilling sexual practice usually only attempted by the most experienced and mature couples, the “Overanalyze” entails taking all your clothes off, standing on opposite sides of the room from each other, and asking what the hell you’re doing with them. You were so pretty in high-school. He should be taller. Oh my god, what if this guy poked a hole in the condom and gets you pregnant? Are you ready for that?
Orb: WARNING: Not intended for anal insertion. For external use only. Batteries not included.
DAT ASS THO
Study Abroad has been the absolute thing to do ever since Hillary Duff took her talents to Italy in The Lizzie McGuire Movie. Dudes, when that movie first came out you were what, like 9 years old, right? Well now you’re in college, and you’re old enough to have a sexual encounter with Lizzie if you meet her abroad after all of these years of carefully planning your pick up line and follow-up high five. Or if you’re a chick you’re old enough to have hopefully seen the movie Taken, so you’re balancing the upside of a hot European soccer dude with the downside of a Romanian with a syringe. Anyway, you’ve got to experience culture and shit or whatever, so here’s the realest way to do study abroad: Continue reading
I don’t give a flying fuck if you go to PTI about me. I WILL FUCKING ASSAULT YOU.
If you just opened this like I told you to, tie yourself down to whatever chair you’re sitting in, because this email is going to be a rougher fucking ride than your last lonely Friday with your fucksaw.
For those of you that have your heads stuck under the Rock, which apparently is the majority of this organization, we have been FUCKING UP in terms of tour guide stories and general social interactions with prospies. I’ve been getting emails on emails about tour guides LITERALLY being so fucking AWKWARD and so fucking BORING. If you’re reading this right now and saying to yourself, “Oh em gee Morty, I’ve been having so much fun telling all my tours about the fabulous faculty on campus during Wildcat days!”, then punch yourself in the face right now so that I don’t have to fucking find you on campus to do it myself.