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A Thorough and 100% Factually* Accurate Summary of Last Night’s Debate

4 Oct

Toooootally Mitt’s O face.

Obama: “I love you Michelle, here’s to 4 more years uhhh I mean 20!”

Romney: “We need to crack down (say crack again) on cheating China and become energy independent can I have a cookie now”

Obama: “Education is important. The children are our future. I believe in America. 4 more years!”

Lehrer: [looks dead]

Romney: “I’m crushing the middle class I mean you crushed the middle class I mean I have a crush on Mandy Moore wait but I definitely like coal that I know. That’s all I’ve gotten for Christmas the past 10 years I must love it!”

Obama: “Here’s why I’m right and you’re wrong”

Romney: “My children are liars I don’t trust them just like how I don’t trust black peopl- oh. Barack. Well. This is…”

Obama: “I know Donald Trump doesn’t think he has a small anything” (took us 20 minutes to get to the first dick joke. Notbad.jpg)

Lehrer: “Ok, I-”

Romney: “DID I SAY YOU COULD TALK YET?!”

Lehrer: [heart attack]

Romney: “Now in regards to the federal deficit, I will slash funding everywhere like how I slashed your heart, Jim. PBS? SLASHED. Big Bird? Nice dude, but SLASHED. Prices on couches from Big Bob’s Warehouse? SLASHED wait”

Obama: “This is all the republicans’ fault. We had two wars that were paid for on a credit card but before the civil rights movement black people like myself couldn’t even get a credit card look how far we’ve come OBAMA 2012 HOPE CHANGE AND LUV.”

Lehrer: “Should we talk about medicare because I’m old as shit and will probably die any minute so-”

Romney: “STOP TALKING JIM MITT WANT SPEAK. I don’t want to slash funding for medicare oddly enough, so young people, you will be getting your social security cards in the mail next week along with a year’s supply of Just For Men (offer does not apply to women or their slutty vaginas).”

Obama: “Can I just talk about my dead Grandma for a second here? Not trying to make you cry and have the feels and then vote for me but hey if that works then 4 MORE YEARS can I go home and have sexy times with my wife yet?”

Lehrer: “I think there’s a very clear difference between you two and now everyone know’s I’m racist oh well YOLO” [dies]

Obama: “Insurance companies can jerk us around” (I can’t believe it took us nearly an hour to get to the first masturbation joke! Disappointed in you guys)

Replacement ref moderator: How do u feel about skoolz?

Romney: “I like the way we did it in Massachusetts, where I’m from. We have great schools where I am from. Thus, I am great. How am I not president yet? Oh, also, remember Tip O’Neill? Also from Massachusetts. Game. Set. Match, motherfucker.”

Obama: “I think Mr. Romney’s gonna have a busy first day, fixing our schools, repealing Obamacare, banishing the gays. Good luck buddy okay can I go home now my smile hurts”

Who won? That’s up to you to decide America. Personally, I’m voting Gosling/Gordon-Levitt in 2012.

*Fact checked by the same people who brought you the Magic School Bus, so you know it’s legit

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We will have no more of your sorcery, Train: A review of Train’s album California 37

11 May

We will have no more of your sorcery, Train.

It seems unfair that this album will probably net more in profits than the Democratic Republic of the Congo.

I’m not sure that Pat Monahan is quite all there anymore. And by “not sure,” I mean he’s completely lost it. And by “anymore,” I mean have you heard the song “Meet Virginia?” (“Smokes a pack a day, but wait, that’s me, but anyways”…what exactly are you smoking a pack of, Pat?) He’s never been completely “with it,” as much as his rapping self would like you to believe. Droppin’ some beats and having a slightly societally acceptable voice does not mean that you are a songster, sir. Lyrics are a big part of the package, and lyrics that make sense usually increase your fan base. BUT WAIT. WHAT’S THAT, INTERNET!? TRAIN IS ONE OF THE MOST POPULAR BANDS OF OUR DAY?! AND THEY HAVE 3 GRAMMYS!?

WTF guys. We did this. We have no right to complain about musicians and kids these days when we made Pattycakes rich. We have been swayed by the upbeat pop melodies and use of the ever popular ukelele, but no more I say. Have you ever actually sat down and listened to a Train song? And actually thought about the lyrics? Well, probably not because you have midterms and friendships and sleep. But I am not human and so I did it for you. This is my review of the newest Train album, California 37, which should actually be called Pulling Random Words Out of a Bag to Make Sentences Now Here Comes the Ukelele!

WARNING: These are actual Train lyrics. I shit you not, friends. Do not be alarmed.

This’ll Be My Year
This is the new “We Didn’t Start the Fire!” JK! But don’t tell Pat that! He pretty much lists all of the 10 famous historical events that he remembers from school, oh did I say historical because he mentions Nintendo along with 9/11. Then he acts depressed. Don’t know how he could be, as he lives in a money house.

-“I stopped believin’, although Journey told me ‘don’t”
Never disrespect Journey like that again. Sit down like a good boy and do as Journey says!

Drive By
This one starts out promising. Got a good beat, seems like it will be a sweet song about a boy meets girl. And it is…sort of. Then we get to the chorus…

-“This is not a drive by,
Just a shy guy looking for a two ply hefty bag to hold my love”
Will single ply just not suffice to hold your metaphysical representation of love?

-“There’s nothing up my sleeve but love for you”
Whoa, whoa, so the two ply STILL isn’t enough to hold all of your love? Shit, dude, you got an extreme case of the LUV.

Feels Good at First
This is where Pat tells us about his anterograde amnesia. Drew Barrymore is all like, “yeah I feel you, maybe move to Hawaii so you don’t feel so bad YOLO!”

-“Every fire gets too close”
Not how that works. YOU get to close to the fire. Not the other way around.

-“Every autumn colors come, that you’ve forgotten”
Red, yellow, orange, brown. Did I get them all? And it’s not even fall! Amazing that I could remember them.

50 Ways to Say Goodbye
This is the best song in the entire world. If the entire world consisted of Rebecca Black songs. I have been listening to it on repeat for a good 10 minutes trying to figure out what it is about (a true artist commits to her work), and from what I can tell it’s a wet dream of Pat’s where he imagines different ways in which his ex can suffer horrible deaths. But it’s not his fault! He’s just no good at goodbyes.

-“She went down in an airplane, fried getting suntanned, fell in a cement mixer full of quick sand…she was caught in a mudslide, eaten by a lion (etc etc)”
These thoughts should be restricted to your therapist’s office and not played on the radio, for the love of humanity.

-“How could you leave on Yom Kippur?”
Extensive research of Pat Monahan provides no evidence that he is actually, in fact, Jewish. But damn her just the same! He loved her as much as a garbage bag would hold!

-“Got run over by a crappy purple Scion”
Don’t drag Scion into your heinousness, man. They don’t need this kind of publicity.

Did I mention that on Pat Monahan’s solo record he has a song called “Two Ways to Say Goodbye?” Guess he’s done more thinking since then.

You Can Finally Meet My Mom
This sounds sweet, right? Taking a girl home to meet his mother? Wrong. It’s about death. And all of the dead people he knows. And how he will be too busy to hang out with them in heaven because he will be hanging out with you. And his mom. Menage a what?

-“Don’t cry when I die, when it’s my time I probably won’t die”
Who wants to explain this one to him?

-“Life is good, but love it’s better, even Bieber ain’t forever”
Well let’s fucking hope not. But we were wrong about Train, so…

Now it’s time to list all the dead people I know! Better pick the most important ones! OMG here we go, Pat, make it count!

-“Jimi Hendrix, Jesus, Chris Farley, Mr. Rodgers, Gilda Radner, Buddha, the dude who had pop rocks and soda at the same time, oh and I almost forgot my mom”
I think he nailed it.

Train: Making lonely wives and adolescent girls cream their pants since 1994.

Mermaid
Every man’s dream. Pat seems to think it actually happened. WHERE ARE HIS CALM DOWN PI PHI PILLS!?

-“Can’t swim so I took a boat, to an island so remote, only Johnny Depp has ever been to it before”
Subtext: I’m as rich as fucking Johnny Depp

-“Shocks, scream with envy, they wonder what you see in me”
$$$$$$$$$$$$

-“Beauty in the water, angel on the beach, ocean’s daughter”
Ariel! It’s you! Unless he is fucking a fish. Which may not be too unlikely as this dude is cracked out as hell right now.

California 37
Rapping. He is rapping. He says bitch. He is Kanye Jr. He is wonderful. I love to hate it.

-“Knock knock, who’s there? 2012 is a brand new year”
Awwww shit, Train is back yall. Did anyone miss them? No?

-“Ding dong, the witch ain’t dead. She’s still tryin’ to take my bread
Four more years ‘til my girls are grown, then the bitch gonna have to leave me alone”
Clever! His ex-wife will never know this is about the alimony and child support he owes her!

The rest of the songs are too depressing to even poke fun at. You shouldn’t poke a sleeping bear, but you also shouldn’t poke a dying bear. Also, I’m realizing now that this article would probably cause a lot of people to google these ridiculous songs, so thanks for supporting me! Luh my fans like a baby loves a ball of yarn!
- Pat Monahan

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Potter No More

17 Apr

Accio Boner!

“Wingardium Leviosa!” said all of you to your dicks this weekend when you realized Pottermore was open to the public at last. Like your dicks were rising. Like you got a boner. From a website that includes zero naked pictures of Emma Watson. Yeah, I don’t get it either. What could be so great about this magic Internet shit? The books I understand. Nothing brings more joy than experiencing others getting to do things that I will never in my life come close to doing, AMIRITE?! (I’ll flip a coin and get back to you) But, like all of my past sexual relationships, I figured I’d see what all the fuss was about and give it a shot. So I signed up for Pottermore, and fucked around on it for about 10 minutes (which, according to the Wikipedia article on ‘Experts’ I just edited, now qualifies me as an expert on the subject), and this is pretty much what it’s like:

Welcome to Pottermore, bitches! JK Rowling here, you wanna join my epic power-trip? K, first let’s find out if you’re magical. What’s your name and email address? Oh wow, looks like you’re magical! Welcome, minion! Welcome to JK’s army-uh I mean Pottermore!

Let’s assign you a new name then, shall we? Your given name will obviously not suffice here, as there are no boring names like ‘Ron’ or ‘Harry’ or ‘George’ in my magical wizarding kingdom. Forever more, you shall be known as one of the following embarrassing combinations of words and gross diseases I made up:

WartFace26549
PhoenixPiss90
MagicalClit0211
DobbysBallsac3691
EarWaxMakesMeHorny82

Chosen yet? Great, time to get sorted, which is all that you came here for, right? JK (Rowling), you have to murk through 7 chapters first! HAHAHA tricked ya bitches! Here’s a bunch of shit to collect that will probably not mean anything later, but you have to click on every little part of every scene to find them! After that, a bunch of little factoids about minor characters will pop up, which you should all take your sweet time reading, because who doesn’t want to know where Petunia Dursley got her first job?

Alright, you’ve clicked as fast as you could through the first few chapters, tryna get sorted as fast as possible, but now I’m gonna make you do something. Hope you enjoy 2nd grade-level computer games, ‘cause that’s what it’s time for! Here’s some money, and here’s some stores, and here’s where you click ‘buy!’ Omgosh, it’s just like you’re really there, isn’t it? I’m an Internet wizard, nbd.

Welcome to Hufflepuff! Counseling services can be found in the West Tower.

Congratulations! You’ve finally arrived at Hogwarts! Time to get down to business. But first, watch this 20-minute video in which I detail my entire middle school gym class experience and how this parallels the sorting hat and why didn’t my parents love me like a love song BOO-HOO (100% skipped the video, but I feel pretty confidently that it was something along these lines). In order to properly sort you into the clique that you will wear the same colors as for the rest of your life, you’ll need to fill out this short and totally irrelevant quiz. GL, biddies!

1. If you were in a long term, monogamous relationship with a magic carpet, with which other magical object would you cheat on it with?
A. Wand
B. Broomstick
C. Telescope
D. Other Phallic Magical Item

2. Which Katy Perry lyric most strongly identifies your relationship with your pet owl:
A. Now every February, you’ll be my Valentine
B. On my 18th birthday, we got matching tattoos
C. Infect me with your love and fill me with your poison
D. Think we kissed but I forgot

3. Do you prefer blondes or brunettes?
A. Blondes
B. Brunettes
C. Gingers Weasleys
D. I’m asexual. I prefer magical Internet worlds. But I guess they can be blonde magical internet worlds

The ancient mystical wizards have conferred, and you are a….

First year girl at Beauxbatons!

I deleted my Pottermore account this morning.

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How to Not Give a Fuck About Valentine’s Day and Still Get Laid: A Beginner’s Guide to Accidental Pussy

15 Feb

Aw, you and Marcus didn't work out?

It’s that time of the year again. No, not Black History Month, though props to my dogs. It’s that time of year when it seems like everyone you know is either:

a) in a relationship with a human
b) in a relationship with a cat
c) in a relationship with their hand

But with Valentine’s Day finally behind us, everyone seemed to be able to put aside their differences and focus on one thing and one thing only: SEX. Fornication, coitus, nooky, whoopee, boinking, taking a roll in the hay. Whatever you call it, it’s probably disgusting. I’m gonna go ahead and assume that you, like most of Northwestern’s population, fell into the third category. Fear not, peasant! As always, I am here to help in times of crisis. Stick to my rules and in no time your dick will be sure to be worming it’s way inside many a skank.

Go See The Vow With Your Bros
Seriously. Seriously. The theater will be chock full of weepy girls, wondering why someone as mumbly and chiseled as Channing Tatum isn’t in their lives to remind them why they continue to live. Enter: you! You sweep in with a box of tissues and a previously thought out (and scrawled on your hand) comment about how you wish you could take care of a woman like he did, and BAM. Instant girl hard on. As you two are writhing around in your bed that night, try and squeeze out a single tear for extra ‘sensitive guy’ emphasis. When you inevitably run into her at Plex the next week, she won’t blink twice when you tell her that you’re just “in a dark place” and “don’t know if you could be there, emotionally, for her right now.” There is a 95% chance your faux chivalry will cause her to faint, and with a final goodbye kiss on the forehead, you’ll never have to talk to the clingy bitch again.

Offer To Carry Her Books
I know what you’re thinking. “Books!? More lyke ipad! Srsly! Wut is dis, 2002?! LOL!” But you’re wrong, and not just because you literally are thinking in abbreviations (I hope you’re happy with how your life is going, dickface). Carrying books is the key to a girl’s heart, unless we’re talking a Saw trap and then maybe the key is an actual key and it’s buried in her intestines and you have to dig it out with a spork in order to…but I digress. Books are quite manageable, and can easily be carried by a girl, but “it’s the thought that counts” or some shit. What you see as a tiny pebble tossed into a pond, she will see as a massive boulder dropped into the fountain of your love. CHICKS DIG SMALL GESTURES IN CASE YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN MY POINT YET. Even though this literally is no extra effort on your part (let’s be real, you like how veiny your arms look when you’re carrying extra weight anyways), she will be yours for the taking. But a word to the wise: never offer to carry a feminist’s books, unless you want a 20 minute lecture on Planned Parenthood and the aforementioned spork through your hand. (Feminism is another word for heinous bitch, right?)

And afterwards, you can enjoy a smoke together outside the library!

Be Asian
From my perch in the library, I spy three asian couples, two of which are making out or at least whispering with their faces touching. The third is naked which also feels mentionable. Maybe it’s the parental pressures to settle down by graduation, maybe they’re just really fucking horny, but everywhere I look I see asians paired off. Asian couples are somehow even worse than regular mushy couples, because nothing is more nauseating than two people feeding each other Joy Yee’s with ‘his’ and ‘hers’ chopsticks (Side note: This is not racist, one of my best friends is Korean and she loves Joy Yee’s). TL;DR: Become Asian, spit mad unavoidable game, get laid.

If none of these work for you, I suggest getting piss-ass drunk to ease the pain. My Forever Alone Post-V-Day drinking game (they call them ‘solo’ cups for a reason, you know) can get you started:

Step 1: Stick a Dasani label on a bottle of Svedka
Step 2: Set up camp in Norris
Step 3: Drink whenever you see:
-Girl wearing red or pink: 1 drink
-Group of girls planning what movies they are going to watch tonight while they eat cookies and cry sporadically: 1 drink
-Couple breaking up: 2 drinks
-Clearly unhappy couple trying to make it through the rest of the week before breaking up: 3 drinks
-Girl buying a remaining box of candy in the c-store: 2 drinks
-The lucky asshole who won and is smugly toting around that 5 lb Hershey bar from Norris: pass the bottle around the table until it’s gone (jk you’re sitting alone, finish that shit yourself!)

Feel better yet? You will soon. Until tomorrow morning when you wake up hungover and covered in the vomit of 5 pounds of chocolatey (once) goodness. Good day, and good luck!

-Parrty Cat

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Oscar Buzzed

24 Jan

In case anyone hasn’t gone on the internet today, the Oscar nominees were announced this morning! A few surprises, some snubs (where was Jack and Jill?!), but mostly just confusion. “What are all these movies about?” you’re thinking, “I have never even heard of them! Whine whine whine, me me me!” Well calm down, Pi Phi! Don’t worry, I’m a film major, I’ll simplify it for you:

The Artist
A haunting look at the life of Van Gogh. Think bright, colorful, and loud.

The smallest man Sean Penn has held in his hands

The Descendants
Surprisingly not about balls.

Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close
A compilation of home movies depicting your grandfather spurting off racist insults and confusing you with your sister.

The Help
A team of psychiatrists check themselves into a mental hospital for help. Meta!

Hugo
He was probably one of the characters from Jim Henson’s Labyrinth. See how Hugo lives his day to day life!

Midnight in Paris
It’s got Owen Wilson, so you can safely assume it also has Ben Stiller and Luke Wilson. Hilarity will ensue!

Moneyball
Also surprisingly not about testicles.

The Tree of Life
Spin off of Pocahontas.

War Horse
Today I found out it’s War Horse, not Warm Whores. My review stands: It’s about a pathetic creature trying to redeem itself, who probably dies in the end.

Kung Fu Panda 2
Surprisingly, this is about balls!

Even his dog is hot

Drive
Out of the 26 films Ryan Gosling was in last year, this was definitely in the top 30. Watch as Ryan Gosling drives a car around a city! What could be better?! (Nothing. Nothing will ever be better than Ryan Gosling doing anything. I would watch the shit out of a movie about Ryan Gosling trimming his nose hairs.)

Bridesmaids
If you’re stupid enough to be reading this, I know that you saw at least 3 movies this year, and this is one of them. You know the plot: Kristen Wiig is the unconvincing ugly and pathetic friend, and Melissa McCarthy shits in a sink. Someone gets married.

Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy
Like Toy Story, but with Tinker Toys!

Just kidding, I didn’t see any of these films. I’m just an asshole. Here is my actually helpful guide to the Oscars:

The Artist
Should have been called: Look at This Fucking Hipster Film
I would have seen it if it was called: Adorable Dog and Sort of Good Looking Man Make Out

The horror of a desperate Oscar grab

The Descendants
Should have been called: George Clooney Cries and Runs in Hawaii
I would have seen it if it was called: The Descendants Starring Ryan Gosling

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close
Should have been called: 9/11 Movie That Has Very Little to Do With 9/11
I would have seen it if it was called: Let’s be real, there was no chance I was seeing this

The Help
Should have been called: Sassy Black Maids Kick Some Sass Sassily
I would have seen it if it was called: Emma Stone Looks Ugly, Don’t You Feel Better About Yourself?

Hugo
Should have been called: Look at Scorsese’s Range!
I would have seen it if it was called: The Adventures of Tintin

Midnight in Paris
Should have been called: Woody Allen Strolls Around Paris in an Owen Wilson Costume
I would have seen it if it was called: Midnight in Amsterdam

Moneyball
Should have been called: Brad Pitt Might Finally Win an Oscar
I would have seen it if it was called: Get Jonah Hill to the Oscars

The Tree of Life
Should have been called: Brad Pitt Might Finally Win an Oscar Pt 2
I would have seen it if it was called: Literally anything else more descriptive would have been great

War Horse
Should have been called: Actually War Horse pretty much sums it up
I would have seen it if it was called: Don’t Worry, He Doesn’t Die

Kung Fu Panda 2
Should have been called: Jack Black is as Fat and Funny as a Panda 2
I would have seen it if it was called: Kung Fu Panda 2 Produced By Pixar

Let's be honest: You just wanted to look at more pictures of Ryan Gosling

Drive
Should have been called: Holy Shit Ryan Gosling Looks So Good Driving Around and Curb Stomping People Please Take Your Shirt Off More That’s All I Ask
I would have seen it if it was called: Holy Shit Ryan Gosling Looks So Good Driving Around and Curb Stomping People Please Take Your Shirt Off More That’s All I Ask

Bridesmaids
Should have been called: Girls Can Make the Funnys, Too
I would have seen it if it was called: Kristen Wiig Dies in the End

Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy
Should have been called: This Movie is Well Over Two Hours Long
I would have seen it if it was called: Jonathan Tinker Taylor Thomas

Just kidding, that was still unhelpful! I’m still an asshole! Thanks for reading!

-Ali Parr

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Your Monthly HorrorScopes

22 Jan

Photo courtesy of Ross Packingham and Ginger LeatherDream

Congratulations! Everyone’s having a pretty good month! Except for Pisces, that’s what you get for being an attention whore who steals my paper thesis and claims it as your own! (How do you live with yourself!?)

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
This month, take some time to focus on you. Take a bath, watch a movie, finally get around to burying that body. LOL JK! But there is a fresh dirt path in the park on Grove, approximately 10 feet, from the SW corner, and shovels are on sale this week at Ace Hardware. Pro tip: If you wear a fluorescent orange vest people will assume it’s community service! Happy “planting!”

Things to avoid saying: “I confess”

Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)
You may or may not die in a horrible, horrible terrorist attack on the El. You probably deserve it.

Your lucky day: Not Wednesday

Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)
When Jupiter moves into the apex of Croatia’s left nut, expect good fortune at your feet. That’s right, your new plaid Sperry’s Top Siders finally arrived in the mail! Your fraternity brethren will be drooling with envy, but they will have the last laugh when the snow disintegrates them by the weekend. But, of course, you will be too drunk to notice.

Things to avoid: KKD, DDD, DZ…you know what you’ve done

Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)
You’re at the crossroads of what is sure to be a long journey. Question is, do you watch the video of the panda sneezing set to dubstep, or the new “Shit Adorable Kittens Say After Their Baths?” You also have a midterm paper worth 40% of your grade due tomorrow, but we all know that’s not happening. Pop another caffeine pill and watch them both. Six times.

Your lucky time of day: 7:34 pm (Brian will smile at you in Norbucks!!!)

Gemini (May 21-Jun 21)
Your month begins with a surprise, as the long lost twin sister you never knew you had shows up at your door! (All Geminis are twins, right? That’s how this works?) Even better news: She’s smokin’ hot! As a dude, you know it’s your right, nay, your responsibility to nail her. As a lady, it’s still your job to nail her and film it. Make it black and white, add come captions in a language you made up, and there’s a good chance you can get it into Sundance. If not, at least into the hearts of a few boys in AEPi. Oh, and all of this is definitely not weird at all.

Things to avoid: Taking your sister on a date to see “Shame”

Cancer (Jun 22- Jul 22)
Financial woes have been weighing heavily on your mind, but due to Saturn coming out of the closet, your problems suddenly vanish! Don’t question your roommates newfound money flow, just politely volunteer to peddle his “product” for him. And those little bags of white powder he’s been leaving around the house? I’ve seen enough episodes of Breaking Bad to know that is definitely NOT meth or weed, so stop worrying that you’re a “drug dealer” and start thinking of yourself as a “businessman!” Kellogg, Shmellogg.

Your lucky street name: Chet Haze

Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22)
Looks like it’s a good time for love! Just not for you, but I’m sure your best friend and girlfriend, whoops, EX-girlfriend, will be very happy together. It’ll all be okay! Turn off the Adele, stop licking cookie crumbs from the bag, and GROW A DICK. Maybe then you could keep a girl around long enough for her to see it, too.

Things to avoid: Admitting that you watch Say Yes to the Dress

Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22)
Everyone agrees you are the best, so why can’t your TA see it too? Did she really expect you to turn in that silly little 10-page paper about the Russian Revolution through the eyes of Tina Fey when you were busy catching up on Mad Men? And your theatre professor didn’t take too kindly to your idea of “sleeping as performance art,” but don’t fret! There’s still time to bring your grades up before Mommy and Daddy take away your new Lexus. Take one for the team, and bang that nerdy, silent girl from down the hall. She’s got a 4.0 average, and you’ll have 4.0 less things to worry about.

Your lucky charm: No bookworm girl can resist a man in thick-framed glasses!

Libra (Sep 23-Oct 23)
Zeus is pissed at Snooki, which parallels your current relationship with your roommate. She’ll hit her breaking point near the end of the month, after you “borrowed-my-favorite-scarf-again-I’ll-kill-you-you-bitch-don’t-even!” You could take the high road (don’t ask ME how to get there, though) and apologize, perhaps buying her dinner to make up for it. But my real advice? Hit the road, girl, and ask for a room transfer. That’s what you get for living in drama-heavy Elder. Pick a nice, quiet, place like ISRC, where you can almost guarantee no one will ever talk back to you. You will be their queen! Enjoy your newfound power!

Things to avoid: Doing the dirty on your roomie’s bed

Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 21)
Let’s play good news/bad news. Good news! The Tsar has been overthrown! The revolution is over! Huzzah! I’ll tell the people of 1917 you’re very happy for them. Bad news: meanwhile, in 2012, your family dog gets hit by a truck. Good news: He wasn’t really your dog! Bad news: I’m joking. (Too soon?) Good news: He didn’t have cancer! Bad news: You do.

Your lucky charms: will taste bitter after you learn the news

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
The B-list stars are aligning, which means that this month is a good time to expand your talents. Take a pottery class, pick up the harmonica, try swallowing fire while juggling swords and riding a unicycle. Naked. Trust me, I watch Grey’s Anatomy which basically means I’m a doctor. And if these new escapades don’t work out, don’t be discouraged! Just get right back out there and try, try again once you’re released from the hospital!

Things to avoid: Nothing! Stare death in the face while flipping him off!

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
The smell of a blooming romance is in the air! At least that’s what you think. Turns out to be the rotten Joy Yee’s leftovers on the bottom shelf of your fridge. But hey! At least you (probably) won’t die alone, your cat happens to love the smell of Chinese food!

People to avoid: That boy in your poetry class that caught you sniffing his hair in last week’s discussion section

Have a good month! And remember, things will never be as bad for you as they are for George Lopez’s fan club!

-Ali Parr

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