It happens every year. You’ve got an awesome Halloween costume picked out, you’re super excited to impress all your friends, and then suddenly, your newsfeed is shaken by a series of outraged posts about people dressing up in “blackface” for Halloween, and you realize (to your great chagrin) that your costume includes blackface, too. Don’t worry, we’ve all been there! Continue reading
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sources have reported that the United States Congress is “way harder to get into” than it was before the shutdown, which commenced on September 30th.
In a press conference this morning, President Obama hinted that he encouraged Congress to take necessary measures to ensure that a shutdown would not occur again.
“There’s no way around the fact that the government shut down due to the presence of certain people in Congress,” said Obama. “We need to make sure those people aren’t allowed in ever again.”
The new ID policy is so strict that even Continue reading
EVANSTON, Ill. — Sophomore Gender Studies major Lane Dalton announced this morning that he had just turned in his first ever clit review to a faculty member in the Gender Studies department.
The six-page review discussed, compared and criticized a wide variety of clit pertaining to Dalton’s research topic.
Dalton admitted that his experience writing a clit review brought mixed feelings of Continue reading
Do me a favor real quick. Take your right index and middle finger and press it about an inch below your jawline under your ear. Can you feel a pulse? You can?! Awesome! Then you hate Ohio State University.
While there are quite literally thousands of reasons to hate #AnOhioStateUniversity, we’re choosing to spend this article focusing on Ohio State’s mascot, the Buckeyes. According to Yahoo Answers, a buckeye is a Continue reading
In June, Sherman Ave sat down with each of the 2013 Homecoming Court nominees for wide-ranging discussions. If any cultural references seem slightly out of date, that’s because that was June and this is September and that’s how time works. Voting for Homecoming King and Queen begins soon!
Packingham: So to start off, how do you spell your last name?
Packingham: And how do you pronounce that?
Packingham: Hmm. Okay. How do you spell your middle name?
Tim: Thomas. T-H-O-M-A-S.
Packingham: And how do you spell your mother’s maiden name?
Tim: U-R-I-Z-A-R. Urizar.
Remember when you set up your first email address? You spent three weeks thinking of the perfect name, and another three weeks mourning when you discovered that firstname.lastname@example.org had already been taken by some douche who probably doesn’t even know who Professor Hugo Strange is. You finally settled upon a name and password, cleverly lied to Hotmail and said you were 13 years old*, and next thing you knew, you had your very own email address. Hardly able to contain your excitement, you logged in immediately and Continue reading
SAN FRANCISCO — Local yoga instructor Carrie Kent was overheard today telling a friend that “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels,” despite her not having eaten anything other than basically just kale in well over three years.
“People always say it’s hard to diet because they love food so much,” said Kent. “It’s just never made that much sense to me. I love eating as much as the next person, but when I think about how much I want to look and feel good, it’s not hard for me to turn down the super flavorful and totally satisfying vegetables which have somehow comprised my entire diet for the last few years.”
Shall I compare thee to a bag of dicks?
Thou art more floppy; tougher to inflate:
Rough winds do shake the flaccid shafts like sticks,
And just one bag hath all too light a weight:
Sometime too short a baggèd dick may stand,
and often is the tan complexion dimm’d;
And many dicks do find themselves unmanned,
With pubic hairs so horribly untrimm’d;
But thy bag-dickery, it shall not fade,
Thy dicks are forged in all thy shitty pride;
With character as cunty as Dwayne Wade,
The strength of all thy dicks shall not subside.
A late-night mugging I will have in store;
if shuttles stop at Sherman/Noyes no more.