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Candyless Schapiro Reminds Trick-or-Treaters About New Student Center

31 Oct

Pictured: Schapiro, just trying to manage the University’s goddamn money, okay?

EVANSTON, Ill. — Northwestern University President Morton O. Schapiro reportedly attempted to comfort disappointed trick-or-treaters at his home by reminding them that a new student center is probably going to be built in the next 20 years.

“There there, children,” said Schapiro softly. “We understand that you’re disappointed we don’t have any candy for you. But this new student center is going to Continue reading

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A Mad-Lib of an Email from Northwestern’s Administration

30 Oct

Dear Northwestern community members:

This (holiday involving drinking and debauchery), as we plan celebrations and other holiday activities, I want to take a moment and share a few (plural nouns)(Same holiday involving drinking and debauchery) often allows us to (verb) with friends and family while also contributing to the Northwestern and Evanston communities through (event you probably haven’t attended). Continue reading

9 Great Halloween Costumes That Don’t Require Blackface

30 Oct

It happens every year. You’ve got an awesome Halloween costume picked out, you’re super excited to impress all your friends, and then suddenly, your newsfeed is shaken by a series of outraged posts about people dressing up in “blackface” for Halloween, and you realize (to your great chagrin) that your costume includes blackface, too. Don’t worry, we’ve all been there! Continue reading

Congress Harder on IDs After Shutdown Scare

17 Oct

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sources have reported that the United States Congress is “way harder to get into” than it was before the shutdown, which commenced on September 30th.

In a press conference this morning, President Obama hinted that he encouraged Congress to take necessary measures to ensure that a shutdown would not occur again.

“There’s no way around the fact that the government shut down due to the presence of certain people in Congress,” said Obama. “We need to make sure those people aren’t allowed in ever again.”

The new ID policy is so strict that even Continue reading

Gender Studies Major Writes First Clit Review

14 Oct

Dalton, looking dubiously for the clit he needs.

EVANSTON, Ill. — Sophomore Gender Studies major Lane Dalton announced this morning that he had just turned in his first ever clit review to a faculty member in the Gender Studies department.

The six-page review discussed, compared and criticized a wide variety of clit pertaining to Dalton’s research topic.

Dalton admitted that his experience writing a clit review brought mixed feelings of Continue reading

OSU Head Coach Urban Meyer’s Facebook Status This Morning

4 Oct

 

 

facebook urban meyer

 

This is fake plz don’t sue us.

 

28 Shitty College Mascots That Are STILL Better Than A Poisonous Tree Nut

1 Oct

Do me a favor real quick. Take your right index and middle finger and press it about an inch below your jawline under your ear. Can you feel a pulse? You can?! Awesome! Then you hate Ohio State University.

While there are quite literally thousands of reasons to hate #AnOhioStateUniversity, we’re choosing to spend this article focusing on Ohio State’s mascot, the Buckeyes. According to Yahoo Answers, a buckeye is a Continue reading

Homecoming Court Voter Guide: Tim Smith

23 Sep

In June, Sherman Ave sat down with each of the 2013 Homecoming Court nominees for wide-ranging discussions. If any cultural references seem slightly out of date, that’s because that was June and this is September and that’s how time works. Voting for Homecoming King and Queen begins soon!

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Packingham: So to start off, how do you spell your last name?

Tim: S-M-I-T-H.

Packingham: And how do you pronounce that?

Tim: Smith.

Packingham: Hmm. Okay. How do you spell your middle name?

Tim: Thomas. T-H-O-M-A-S.

Packingham: And how do you spell your mother’s maiden name?

Tim: U-R-I-Z-A-R. Urizar.

Packingham: Oh.

Tim: Yeah.

Continue reading

Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Managing Your Email

29 Aug

Remember when you set up your first email address?  You spent three weeks thinking of the perfect name, and another three weeks mourning when you discovered that batman@hotmail.com had already been taken by some douche who probably doesn’t even know who Professor Hugo Strange is.  You finally settled upon a name and password, cleverly lied to Hotmail and said you were 13 years old*, and next thing you knew, you had your very own email address. Hardly able to contain your excitement, you logged in immediately and Continue reading

“Nothing Tastes As Good As Skinny Feels,” Reports Woman Who Eats Only Kale

28 Aug

SAN FRANCISCO — Local yoga instructor Carrie Kent was overheard today telling a friend that “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels,” despite her not having eaten anything other than basically just kale in well over three years.

“People always say it’s hard to diet because they love food so much,” said Kent. “It’s just never made that much sense to me.  I love eating as much as the next person, but when I think about how much I want to look and feel good, it’s not hard for me to turn down the super flavorful and totally satisfying vegetables which have somehow comprised my entire diet for the last few years.”

Continue reading

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