Do me a favor real quick. Take your right index and middle finger and press it about an inch below your jawline under your ear. Can you feel a pulse? You can?! Awesome! Then you hate Ohio State University.
While there are quite literally thousands of reasons to hate #AnOhioStateUniversity, we’re choosing to spend this article focusing on Ohio State’s mascot, the Buckeyes. According to Yahoo Answers, a buckeye is a Continue reading
In June, Sherman Ave sat down with each of the 2013 Homecoming Court nominees for wide-ranging discussions. If any cultural references seem slightly out of date, that’s because that was June and this is September and that’s how time works. Voting for Homecoming King and Queen begins soon!
Packingham: So to start off, how do you spell your last name?
Packingham: And how do you pronounce that?
Packingham: Hmm. Okay. How do you spell your middle name?
Tim: Thomas. T-H-O-M-A-S.
Packingham: And how do you spell your mother’s maiden name?
Tim: U-R-I-Z-A-R. Urizar.
Remember when you set up your first email address? You spent three weeks thinking of the perfect name, and another three weeks mourning when you discovered that firstname.lastname@example.org had already been taken by some douche who probably doesn’t even know who Professor Hugo Strange is. You finally settled upon a name and password, cleverly lied to Hotmail and said you were 13 years old*, and next thing you knew, you had your very own email address. Hardly able to contain your excitement, you logged in immediately and Continue reading
SAN FRANCISCO — Local yoga instructor Carrie Kent was overheard today telling a friend that “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels,” despite her not having eaten anything other than basically just kale in well over three years.
“People always say it’s hard to diet because they love food so much,” said Kent. “It’s just never made that much sense to me. I love eating as much as the next person, but when I think about how much I want to look and feel good, it’s not hard for me to turn down the super flavorful and totally satisfying vegetables which have somehow comprised my entire diet for the last few years.”
Shall I compare thee to a bag of dicks?
Thou art more floppy; tougher to inflate:
Rough winds do shake the flaccid shafts like sticks,
And just one bag hath all too light a weight:
Sometime too short a baggèd dick may stand,
and often is the tan complexion dimm’d;
And many dicks do find themselves unmanned,
With pubic hairs so horribly untrimm’d;
But thy bag-dickery, it shall not fade,
Thy dicks are forged in all thy shitty pride;
With character as cunty as Dwayne Wade,
The strength of all thy dicks shall not subside.
A late-night mugging I will have in store;
if shuttles stop at Sherman/Noyes no more.
At approximately 4:30pm this afternoon, renowned musical artist Prince emerged from the womb of Duchess Kate Middleton at St. Mary’s Hospital in London, sources report.
While there has been considerable hype leading to the birth of Middleton’s child, few were expecting Prince, a 55-year-old racially ambiguous man from Minnesota, to slide out of her uterus this afternoon.
“I must admit I’m a bit surprised,” said Kate Middleton. ”I knew that my son would be someone great, and, er, I know some people think he is great at some things sometimes.” Continue reading
So we thought it would be fun to take Amanda Bynes’ absurd tweets as far out of context as we possibly could. Granted, her Twitter feed isn’t really any sort of “context,” rather a horrid shitshow of surgery and Drake, but we went for it anyway. We hope you derive as much joy from making fun of Amanda Bynes as we do.
Nothing turns my man on like the frills on my bonnet.
I sit at home on a surprisingly warm November evening. The year is 1765, and it has been the year of my flourishing. All my life, I have been a woman of desires. I have yearned for something but never attained it; sought something but never found it; desired something but never had the pleasure of fulfillment. It has been in 1765 when it all changed.
Those glasses are pretty…yeah, you know.
While reading his dissenting opinion in the Supreme Court’s ruling that denial of federal benefits to married same-sex couples is unconstitutional, Scalia loudly shouted that the whole ordeal was “GAAAAAY.”
“Hah!” reported Scalia. “GAAAAAYYYYY!”
Going on to break traditional decorum in an especially unconventional way, Scalia interrupted Justice Anthony Kennedy’s reading of his majority opinion by interjecting, “GAY! GAY GAY GAYYYYYY! SO GAY!”
Added Scalia, “So ghey.”
Breaking weeks of silence, Justice Clarence Thomas even chimed in as well.
“Haha,” said Thomas. “Yeah, pretty gay.”
In other news, Texas legislators have all agreed to reset their clocks, which, having not been calibrated for some time, tell the lawmakers it’s still 1953.