EVANSTON, Ill. — Northwestern University junior Psychology major Ramona Blackwell admitted in a press conference this morning that she has shattered 45 once-healthy friendships since she began seeking respondents for a survey last Monday. Continue reading
LONDON — The world was shocked today to learn that Tom Daley, a British athlete who spends almost all of his time wearing a speedo and doing various physical activities with other men wearing speedos, is sexually attracted to men.
Daley made the announcement by video, revealing to the world that he has a boyfriend — surprising, considering that the sport for which Daley has become famous has a uniform that reveals so much shaft that one can often discern whether the competitor is circumcised. Continue reading
Anyone who has followed Northwestern’s football team this year knows that there is an invisible, intangible and entirely irreversible curse working against them. That’s not to say that the team should be 9-0 (there has been some less-than-stellar playing all around), but something is clearly afoot. It simply cannot be denied after losing to Ohio State because of a controversial spot on 4th and 1, losing to Iowa in overtime, losing to Nebraska because of a 50-yard Hail Mary touchdown with 4 seconds left, and now losing to Michigan on a last-second haphazard field goal that couldn’t even happen in Madden 2014. Continue reading
When I think of this football season, I think of the proverbial Sweet 16th birthday in which nothing went according to plan. The one where you invited all the right people, planned all the right activities — maybe even picked up a six-pack of O’Douls — and yet, despite your best laid plans, the shit still somehow hit the fan. In fact, the fan-shit encounter wasn’t even benign enough that we could clean it up with Windex and some elbow grease. We’re talking a full-blown, weird-kid-in-kindergarten level of shit splatter, as if Quentin Tarantino were invited to direct the sequel to 2 Girls 1 Cup (presumably titled 3 Girls, 1 cups). Continue reading
EVANSTON, Ill. — Northwestern University President Morton O. Schapiro reportedly attempted to comfort disappointed trick-or-treaters at his home by reminding them that a new student center is probably going to be built in the next 20 years.
“There there, children,” said Schapiro softly. “We understand that you’re disappointed we don’t have any candy for you. But this new student center is going to Continue reading
Dear Northwestern community members:
This (holiday involving drinking and debauchery), as we plan celebrations and other holiday activities, I want to take a moment and share a few (plural nouns). (Same holiday involving drinking and debauchery) often allows us to (verb) with friends and family while also contributing to the Northwestern and Evanston communities through (event you probably haven’t attended). Continue reading
It happens every year. You’ve got an awesome Halloween costume picked out, you’re super excited to impress all your friends, and then suddenly, your newsfeed is shaken by a series of outraged posts about people dressing up in “blackface” for Halloween, and you realize (to your great chagrin) that your costume includes blackface, too. Don’t worry, we’ve all been there! Continue reading
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sources have reported that the United States Congress is “way harder to get into” than it was before the shutdown, which commenced on September 30th.
In a press conference this morning, President Obama hinted that he encouraged Congress to take necessary measures to ensure that a shutdown would not occur again.
“There’s no way around the fact that the government shut down due to the presence of certain people in Congress,” said Obama. “We need to make sure those people aren’t allowed in ever again.”
The new ID policy is so strict that even Continue reading
EVANSTON, Ill. — Sophomore Gender Studies major Lane Dalton announced this morning that he had just turned in his first ever clit review to a faculty member in the Gender Studies department.
The six-page review discussed, compared and criticized a wide variety of clit pertaining to Dalton’s research topic.
Dalton admitted that his experience writing a clit review brought mixed feelings of Continue reading