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Millions Rejoice At The Thought Of Beyoncé Having Sex

17 May

NEW YORK– Revelers took the streets worldwide Friday as news broke that Beyoncé is expecting a second child, indicating that Our Queen has indeed engaged in sexual intercourse once again.

Spontaneous celebrations were seen in cities in more than 180 countries, with crowds carrying banners and signs adorned with such slogans as “CONGRATS HOVA,” “TWICE AS NICE,” “BEY HAD SEX! KEG KEG KEG!” and “I JUST THOUGHT ABOUT BEYONCE’S BOOBIES :D “

This is how u make bey-bees duh.

This is how u make bey-bees duh.

Those in the crowds said that as soon as they heard the news of B’s second coital, they dropped everything to take to the streets. Continue reading →

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26 Ways That Arrested Development Gets Your Life

13 May

1. When you try to hook up with that biddie from The Keg The Deuce, but your stupid roommate won’t leave: 

2. When you signed up for 9am classes every day of the week:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

3. When you wake up after going to a crush party and didn’t lose your phone: 

Continue reading →

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Senior Stares Wistfully Out From Lakefill, Hoping To See A Soft Green Light

9 May

EVANSTON– Senior Aidan McCarthy was spotted Thursday staring out into Lake Michigan, hoping against hope that a soft green light would appear to reignite his long-dormant self-confidence and offer a sense of hope for the future.

"McCarthy believed in the green light, the orgastic future that year by year recedes before us."

“McCarthy believed in the green light, the orgastic future that year by year recedes before us.”

Friends report that McCarthy, now just a few weeks from graduation, has been wandering to the Lakefill every night, all in a desperate attempt to turn his life around. Continue reading →

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The Great Gatsby Movie Drinking Game

8 May

The first time I read The Great Gatsby I was all, “holy living shit that was good, but it’s kinda missing something?” Seven years later, it turns out that something is Lana del Rey. But this Friday all of my Baz Luhrmann-fueled dreams come true with the premiere of the 2014 Oscar winner for Best Picture Best Costumes, The Great Gatsby.

And while we appreciate the power of F. Scott Fitzgerald’s great American novel, we would be failing Jay Gatz thoroughly if we were anything less than West Egg Wasted by the time we leave the theater. So grab a bottle of your finest bootleg vodka, bring this list with you, and enjoy the show.

"I don't care. I love it." - Gatsby

“I don’t care. I love it.” – Gatsby

Drink every time:

  • Daisy is the definish of an anti-feminist

  • You think, “Wow Baz I know this movie is about gratuitous excess, but honestly you really just overdid it here.”

  • Leo DiCaprio should have won for The Aviator

  • You get that deep feeling of simultaneous power and helplessness that only F. Scott can inspire. Take two more drinks if the first drink helped you ignore those annoying “feelings.”

  • Bruce Springsteen’s “Glory Days” is applicable

  • Miley Cyrus’s “Party In The USA” is applicable Continue reading →

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Sophomore Now “Culturally Aware” After Drinking Two Tecates

5 May

EVANSTON– Weinberg sophomore Alex Jacobs said he was now much more aware of the significant contributions of Mexican citizens to global culture after downing two lukewarm Tecates in his dorm room on Cinco de Mayo.

“It was probably about halfway through the second 47-cent can of atrocious beer that I realized just how important Frida Kahlo’s 1932 work ‘Henry Ford Hospital’ was to the women’s rights movement and expressed the pain of failure to carry a child to term,” Jacobs said. “And then by the time I had finished the second can, I could really get a greater understanding of the incredible power of New Spanish Baroque architecture.” Continue reading →

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Mayfest Goes After DildoDayShits.com

30 Apr

EVANSTON– The Mayfest executive board announced Tuesday night that the organization will go all out in an attempt to take down the unofficial DildoDayShits.com website.

"Stop buying dildos." - Mayfest

“Stop buying dildos.” – Mayfest

“We will share their link, tell our friends about it and post on every social media platform if we have to,” Mayfest President Sam Lowell said. “I’m serious, we will literally make sure that every student at this school has heard of DildoDayShits.com.”

The move comes as Mayfest, which puts on Dillo Day, Northwestern’s annual celebration of poor decisions and disregarding ENU’s, battles a number of other unofficial Dillo websites, including D-Day.com, DillonPanthers.com and DillPickles.com.

“Let me be clear,” added Lowell. “Dillo Day is a drunken bacchanalia featuring washed up musical acts, not a lurid sex act featuring imitation genitalia. This website, featuring a Kardashian sister, IS NOT LEGITIMATE. By no means should students who have any desire to avoid prurient material visit the website.”

DildoDayShits.com said in a statement that “Mayfest can go shove it up their ass… after they purchase it on DildoDayShits.com!”

Evander Jones contributed to the reporting of this Sharticle.

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Freshman Cites “Delicious Eclairs” In Voting For Benison

16 Apr
It's only phallic if you make it phallic. Or if the caption includes the word "phallic."

It’s only phallic if you make it phallic. Or if the caption includes the word “phallic.”

EVANSTON– Freshman Andrea Mathers said Tuesday she was excited to vote for Benison Choi for ASG president because she believes he will bring the kind of “whipped cream frosting this campus so desperately needs.”

She also insisted that Benison is uniquely qualified for the position because of the experience he brings to the table, particularly as the campus pushes for more diversity.

“I mean, Benison has like 20 different flavors of everything,” Mathers said. “And then there’s pies and cakes and cookies and pastries. It’s seriously the most diverse thing I’ve ever seen in my life.” Continue reading →

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Ani and Alex Tout Endorsement of Stepdaughter of 1978 ASG Senator

16 Apr

EVANSTON– ASG President and Executive Vice Presidential candidates Ani Ajith and Alex Van Atta announced at a Monday press conference that their ticket had secured the endorsement of the stepdaughter a 1970′s ASG senator.

"When am I getting my guac?" - Samuelson

“When am I getting my guac?” – Samuelson

“We are humbled and honored to receive the support of Claire Samuelson, whose stepfather Daniel Chalmers once represented Allison Hall in the ASG Senate,” Ajith said as his eyes welled up. “It’s just very… it means a lot.”

Ajith stressed that Samuelson’s “friendly” relationship with Chalmers, whom she calls “Dan,” gives her a strong knowledge of how ASG works. Continue reading →

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David and Jo Spotted Harassing Anyone Buying Chips and Guac at Frontera

16 Apr
"Put the goddamn guacamole down and hand over the seed money."

“Put the goddamn guacamole down and hand over the seed money.”

EVANSTON– ASG Presidential and Executive Vice Presidential candidates David Harris and Jo Lee were seen in Norris on Monday, interrogating any students who purchased chips and guacamole from Frontera Fresco.

“So, have you always hated B-status student groups?” Harris asked  one terrified freshman. “Or did you just decide that today was a nice day to tell new groups to go fuck themselves?”

Multiple students fled the lower level of Norris, Frontera in hand and tears in their eyes, as Harris yelled various insults at them. Continue reading →

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EDITORIAL: In ASG Election, Andrew Jackson Must Drop Out

13 Apr

This year’s field of ASG presidential candidates is full of students with a variety of ideas, platforms and qualifications to hold Northwestern’s highest elected office. And then, there’s Andrew Jackson.

For those who don’t know, our nation’s seventh president is apparently mounting an insurgent campaign for ASG president, as publicized by flyering, chalking, a Facebook fan page and an active Twitter account. While we are immensely flattered that a former U.S. president would run for ASG, we at The Ave can no longer ignore his horrific record of human rights violations and therefore must call on Andrew Jackson to drop out of the race for ASG president immediately.

I'd shoot him in a duel.

I’d shoot him in a duel.

Jackson is running as “The People’s President,” a moniker he earned for his populist style of campaigning and governing. Yet this slogan begs the question: which people? Surely if we are to be #OneNorthwestern then we must recognize that our ASG president must have respect for all members of our community. Continue reading →

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