Dear Northwestern University Class of 2017,
I know you’ve probably read the latest email from the Northwestern administration, saying you’re the smartest, most diverse, most sexually capable class of students to ever be admitted to Northwestern University. I know you’re probably feeling pretty good about yourselves, and you feel special in the eyes of Northwestern. But let me tell you something: don’t believe them. They’ll only hurt you.
I remember when I got my first email from Northwestern. They told me I was “quick-witted, sharp, creative.” They told me I was beautiful. They told me I was the only student they’d ever make love to. And then a new class came along, and all of a sudden I wasn’t so smart, I wasn’t so special, and I wasn’t so pretty. I was nothing to them – just another mark on their admissions list. Continue reading
The three circles represent interlocking constituencies of ineffectiveness.
EVANSTON–In a surprising turn of events, the Northwestern Associated Student Government–the same organization who brought you great ideas like the “Let’s Get A Willie the Wildcat Statue” Initiative and the “Hey Guys, Remember That One Time We Actually Did Something?” campaign–has now developed a sense of concern and regard for the opinions of the Northwestern student body.
This roundabout represents a quick change in heart for ASG which, as recently as several weeks ago, told the Northwestern student body that only five-thousand dollars of the 10K initiative could go towards projects the students cared about because “Nobody cares about you! That’s why.”
Vodka fountains. Think about it.
Last week, the Northwestern Associated Student Government released its four options for the possible recipients of the 10K Initiative funds. The information was met with one over-whelming response: ASG is allowed to do actual things? I thought they were just people who were really enthusiastic about writing their names in chalk across campus. And honestly, we here at Sherman Ave feel that buying ten-thousand dollars worth of chalk would have been a better investment of their money. However, instead of criticizing ASG, we thought it best to propose some other ways the 10K Initiative Funds could be spent.
Here are the top five ideas our staff came up with:
1. Helping the Keg Renew Its Lease
As all of you have probably heard, the City of Evanston and the anti-fun police have declared that they will be closing one of Northwestern’s top facilities: The Keg of Evanston. However, there is one thing that could change their minds: ten thousand dollars. While we understand the Keg’s lease is likely expensive due to the fact that it must own enough property to accommodate one quarter of the Evanston Township High School student body on a daily basis, we believe ten thousand dollars would be sufficient to keep the institution running until Mayor Tisdahl is called back to service at the nunnery.
Maybe one day I can make the Academy forget about Gigli.
Oscar weekend is upon us, which means one thing: you have been hearing countless discussions of snubs, cinematography, and numerous people you’ve never heard of before (we’re talking about you, David Gropman – production design leader for Life of Pi). While there is not enough time to explain everything there is to know about the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences and everything thing else Oscar-related, we here at Sherman Ave will stop at nothing to provide our
blazed loyal readers with a brief guide to the Oscars that may help you to make your own uninformed judgments about this year’s nominees.
The greatest number of sorority girls you can find in one doorway without crossing the River Styx.
Screaming. Crying. Vaginal tearing. We’re not talking about the miracle of birth here, we’re talking about everyone’s favorite five-day shitshow: sorority recruitment. Sorority recruitment is one of the times at Northwestern in which stress is at a yearly high. Hundreds of scantily clad freshman girls are marching through the quads, countless sorority sisters are giving compliments to strangers that are nicer than anything they’ve ever said to their families, and thousands of other Northwestern students are looking on in horror and amusement. The whole ordeal is a lot to handle. To help everyone through this hard time, Sherman Ave is here with a few tips to help get you through sorority recruitment, whether you’re going through recruitment or just merely watching it from a distance. Continue reading
A study recently released by the Northwestern University Office for Research found that ever single freshman girl who has decided to begin the sorority recruitment process owns “just the cutest top ever.” It seems that every single girl who will enter into a sorority house in the next five days will be in possession of “the cutest top you’ve ever seen in your whole life, even cuter than the one on the girl who was just talking to the sorority sister before the girl she is currently talking to, even though she swore that last one was ‘more beautiful than anything in the world, like, ever’ and that it went ‘just so perfectly with those adorable platforms’ that other girl was wearing.” Continue reading
With the college football season coming to a close, we here at Sherman Ave wanted to provide our in-depth analysis on the final week of sports in the academic year when Northwestern will be relevant – Bowl Week.
Capital One Bowl
Nebraska vs. Georgia, Jan. 1
Remember that time when the Big Ten lobbied against Northwestern being in the Capital One Bowl in favor of a Nebraska team that #GotFucked and lost to a 7-5 Wisconsin team that lost by 49 points? So do we. However, Sherman Ave is an impartial source of fair, intelligent journalism, which is why we’re projecting that NEBRASKA IS GOING TO GET FUCKING RAILED! Nebraska is going to get fucked so hard that they’re going to be walking with a limp until the start of next season. This is a corn-shucking, pig-fucking (Really, they have sex with pigs) bunch of nobodies playing against a Georgia team that came within five yards of playing in the Championship Game. Nebraska’s marquee victory this year was against a weakened Michigan team that didn’t have Denard Robinson. Georgia’s best victory? Florida. Yeah. Think about that. Continue reading
So it’s all over. Despite your healthy diet of Cheesie’s, alcohol, and more Cheesie’s, as well as your hobbies of binge-drinking, binge-regretting, and orgo all-nighters – it looks like your life is going to come to an early end. However, the end of the world doesn’t have to be all bad. Here are several ideas to help improve your final evening on Earth: