Rated R. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
It was a dark, eerie, and generally creepy night. A heavy mist hung in the air. Even if every Northwestern student hadn’t already been studying in Main Libs, they would have had a hard time spotting the mysterious hooded figure lurking outside the library doors. That’s how misty it was.
Also, it was Halloween and everything was super scary!!!!!!!!!!!!
“An entire library’s worth of ex-Valedictorian brains,” said the mysterious hooded figure in what he imagined to be the vocal styling of Smerdyakov from Brothers Karamazov, “I finally have everything I need to complete my evil plan – ” he broke into a violent cough fit (most likely a permanent consequence of his dependence on Tic Tacs and other drugs) before finishing, “everything I need to complete my evil planetarium!” He let out a crazy, high-pitched laugh, and immediately regretted it because he was alone and it was awkward.
His name was Dan, by the way.
Shaking it off, Dan turned and fake-confidently strode into the library. After a not-so-discrete 30-second struggle with the WildCard reader, he was in. He walked down the stairs, carefully avoiding the gazes of the 14 or so computer-users whom he’d met at parties but was too socially inept to acknowledge. It’s okay, he told himself, People at Northwestern are used to this kind of thing. Dan sat down at a computer, opened Google Chrome, clicked the address bar, and typed “spells tomake peoele do things for you that they dont watn to do.” He got what he needed, stood up, and walked towards a bench near the middle of the library’s lobby/foyer-thing. He stepped on top of the bench, sizing up the crowd. He cleared his throat.
“STUDENTS OF NORTHWESTERN UNIVERSITY” he began, in all caps, “IF YOU WILL KINDLY LOWER YOUR VOICES. I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT.” This was unnecessary because they were all in a Quiet Zone. Now that the room remained at the same level of non-noise, Dan continued speaking in some caps but mostly in the lower case:
“I speak to you on Halloween night, one of the most notoriously social nights of the year, from the library LOL. (Don’t u have friends???!!? LOL.) I could draw this whole spiel out if I wanted to, but basically I’m building an evil planetarium and I need your help and I Googled spells that will make you do it … so yeah. I also have Halloween candy as an incentive for cooperation. My name is Dan. I’m evil, scary, and spooky. It is Halloween. I will now take questions. Questions? Anyone?”
For several moments everyone was quiet, partly because this was a Quiet Zone but mostly because this guy was super scary and it was Halloween. At last, someone mustered the courage to speak:
“How can a planetarium be ev – ”
“Ugghhhhhhhh. Please just shut up. Seriously? You’re seriously asking me how a planetarium – a planetarium – could be evil? Gee, I don’t know! Maybe the constellations won’t have names on them or anything? Because then, you know, you’d need to find them yourself, which would be, like, super hard, and … you know what? Just take my word for it. This planetarium will be evil. Any good questions before I set curses on/withhold candy from you all?”
The library continued to be as quiet as ever. Or at least it was, until a girl named Reese from Dan’s Russian Lit discussion let out an audible “hehe ”.
“I want to yell a pun about Snickers (as in laughter and candy) and Reese’s (as in the girl’s name and peanut butter cups) but I can’t think of one that sounds good! Stop your giggling, or I will do magic on you to make you fall in love with me. We’ll get all the way to third base. That’s right – we’ll clip each other’s toenails. How does that sound?”
Reese, genuinely scared, stopped talking. This was getting explicit.
“That’s what I thought. Anyone else have anything to say?”
No one said a word. Everything continued to be eerie and R-rated. Also, since this is a Halloween story, zombies, goblins, werewolves, and Representative Todd Akin (R-MO) were there. There were no vampires.
Heads turned in the direction of the voice, which was coming from a blonde girl behind the checkout desk. She stood up, brought her hand to her forehead, and pulled off what was apparently a wig to reveal a shiny mane of thick, black hair.
“It’s me – Selena Gomez. A bona fide Witch of Waverly Place. Yes, I’ve been here all along, and I’ve been waiting for a pseudo-dramatic moment like this to reveal myself and save the day.”
No one cared except for Corbin Bleu, who for some reason was also in the library.
“Thank you, Corbin. Dan, listen to me – You don’t need to do this. Although I’ve never met you before, and I know literally nothing about you, I just know you’re better than this. All this scary, Halloween-movie-esque stuff? This is not the Dan I’ve grown to love over the past 16 seconds! Deep down, isn’t all this evil planetarium business really just about a daddy problem?”
“Well,” responded DAN*, “I guess I have had a pretty hard time coping with my dad’s drinking problem. I’ve tried to help him so many times, but it’s no use! He just keeps missing his mouth**. I guess that’s why I’ve been resorting to evil WITCHCRAFT***. That’s clear to me now. And it’s all thanks to you, Selena Gomez!”
Dan then used the Google-spell to get rid of the zombies, goblins, and werewolves. He kept Todd Akin because of the Congressman’s stellar moral track record.
“Now, who’s up for a fun Halloween night??!!!?!?” Dan reached into his backpack (which he had all along even if it was not mentioned before because the author is omniscient and you need to trust him and/or her) and pulled out an organic chemistry book the size of a small home. Predictably, the crowd cheered.
Boy, was that a neat (but scary!) Halloween!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*DAN: Dude’s Actually Nice
**This joke was not taken from Airplane!
***WITCHCRAFT: Why Is This Cool Human Cursing Regular And Fun Teens/Twenty-somethings?