- You are a strong, independent woman who doesn’t need a man to validate her self-worth.
- Your best friends will never think anyone is good enough for you (and they’re probably right).
- This is a thing. Continue reading
Football season is well underway and big games are quickly approaching. Perhaps a big professional rivalry is on this week, two NCAA conference leaders are squaring off on Saturday, or your high school’s homecoming game is just around the corner. Either way, if you’re NOT a football fan, you’ll probably still find yourself watching one of these games because all of your friends are, and you’ll have no idea what’s actually going on. I’m not going to bother trying to explain the game to you because chances are people have been trying for years, and you Continue reading
WESTCHESTER, NY–Hoping to fight increasing boredom and decreasing self worth, incoming freshman Eric Johannson attempted to hibernate for one month, planning to wake up in time for Wildcat Welcome Week.
“I heard the dark month–you know, that month after everyone else leaves for school while you’re still stuck at home–is totally killer,” said Johannson, a week before the beginning of his hibernation. “I mean, what are you supposed to do, hang out with your parents? Yeah, ooookay.”
In case this letter got sent to the wrong Period, I would just like to make it clear that this letter is addressed to the womanly type of period, not the punctuation type.
Now that that’s over with, I’ll begin. Period, I understand that nothing I can say or do can really change the fact that I have to deal with you…deal with you, or a fetus growing inside me.
Despite the great weather in Chicago following the Blackhawks rally, citizens are filled with an inner gloom due to the lack of worthy sports teams to cheer for.* What are we supposed to do, watch the U.S. Women’s Golf Open? Turn on any golf tournament and I bet you’re asleep in 15 minutes. Too bad there’s no Olympics this year….but wait! Remember that one time you actually watched tennis during the Olympics because AMERICA! ? Through your series of U-S-A chants and shots of UV Blue taken from your red solo cups, you were probably amazed by the fact tennis can be played on grass. Well, guess what. There’s a tournament on those awesome grass courts every year! It’s called The Championships, or more commonly Wimbledon, and it is amazing. If watching tennis is only your thing during the Olympics, let me help make it your thing as Wimbledon enters its second week with ALCOHOL. That’s right–I present to you the very first “The Blackhawks Rally is Over and Now I’m Forced to Watch Tennis Drinking Game”. Continue reading
Hello future heinouses. So housing applications just came out, and you’ve probably been attempting to do research on the dorms at Northwestern. Maybe you ask older friends who go to NU about the dorms, sift through the Residential Life website, or you’ve seen that one article that names Bobb the biggest party dorm in the country (to be honest they probably ranked dorms based on how often and strongly they smell like vomit). So you’re wondering where you’d fit in. Do you want to live North or South? Do you want a big dorm or a small dorm? Do you want to live somewhere that’s actually not a shit hole? Should you live in a dorm with a dining hall? Can you tolerate the smell of vomit on the daily? If you answered “North,” “big,” “yes,” “DUH,” and “not really,” LIVE IN ELDER. Continue reading
I’m sorry I haven’t written to you in a couple of weeks, but I have been trying to “study” like my advisor said. It’s strange because sometimes, I read a textbook and I think I actually understand what I have read. Also, when I write notes, I spend the next two days trying to figure out what I have written in my notes. I don’t know if this is good or bad. Nevertheless, I am trying to study.
In terms of my grades in classes, I am trying to go to fewer social events that I get invited to at school. It’s too late to try and get any A’s or anything like that, but I still try to stay in sometimes and do the work I can. Things like the assigned homework problems that don’t count for points and actually reading the textbook, even if I don’t have a fucking clue what it’s saying.
Recently, I was at a party with my gals dancing the night away, celebrating being done with yet another quarter of my godforsaken Spanish class, when a sweaty guy from my class came up to me and started a conversation. It went as so:
Boy: Ammonia$ta?! [puts an arm around my shoulder and drunkenly leans on me] Totally didn’t recognize you! You’re like, actually attractive!
Boy: Yeah like…how come you don’t come to class looking like this? Totally would have hit on you.
A$: Oh uh… [trying to get out from under his arm without making him fall over] I’m just lazy I guess.”
Boy: [Laughs because he thinks I was joking and walks away]