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Sadist Requests The Food Network On Blomquist TVs

27 Apr
Sploosh

Sploosh

EVANSTON–A complete and utter douchebag who derives pleasure from other peoples’ anguish has requested that the hot chick behind the check-in desk at Blomquist Recreation Center turn the Food Network on all three televisions.

The sadist, who requested anonymity, says that observing the yearning expressions on the faces of fellow exercisers is actually more satisfying than watching Emma Watson porn.

“I like to guess which sorostitutes are on diets by measuring the amount of drool they produce during Cupcake Wars,” reported the asshat. ”Then I go home, microwave some babies, and insult campus minorities.”

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Morty Sings Justin Timberlake (feat. Elizabeth Tisdahl)

14 Apr
Take it to the briiiiidge

Take it to the briiiiidge

In an unprecedented demonstration of town-gown unity, Northwestern president Morton Schapiro and Evanston mayor Elizabeth Tisdahl have teamed up to bring sexy back.

The collaboration marks the second song featuring Tisdahl, a.k.a. “Lizzy T,” to be released in a month. Her first release of April was a dis-track collaboration with First Ward Alderman Judy Fiske, entitled “Tivalick My Balls.”

Go ahead, be gone with it.

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Beyoncé “Super-Jealous” of Chet Haze’s Talent

12 Apr
Beyoncé, shortly after throwing her hands up in the air because she knows that she's the hottest baby.

Beyoncé, shortly after throwing her hands up in the air because she knows that she’s the hottest, baby.

In an exclusive interview with Sherman Avenue, seventeen-time Grammy award winner Beyoncé Knowles praised Chet Haze’s latest video, “Finest Girl,” as “the most promising display of raw talent I have ever seen.”

The star of Dreamgirls shared her high opinions of Chester Marlon Hanks, better known as “Chet Haze” in the rap community, whose introspective video about not remembering whether he got the digits of a girl at a club debuted yesterday.

“I thought it was an incredibly insightful commentary on today’s suffering economy. The subtle reference to Nietzsche really demonstrated his lyrical skill, concern with really deep topics, and how much he’s really learned from his classes at Northwestern. And the way that girl clearly took her makeup cues from Jenna Marbles, I just – it says so much about women’s role in culture these days.” Continue reading →

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The Four Most Embarrassing Things You Did as a Teenager

4 Apr
"Dude, Green Day are the Beatles of our generation."

“Dude, Green Day are the Beatles of our generation.”

Now that you’ve survived spending time at home with your younger relatives, all those old memories are coming back to you.  Remember your creepy loyal and unrequited love for The One, who dated the ugly skank with the stripper name instead of you?[1] Remember that time your stupid mean “friend” ditched the Fabulous Five Femme Fatales to go to Homecoming in her stupid boyfriend’s group and totally spent the whole dance frenching with him? Remember changing for gym class? Taylor Swift, why isn’t any of this in the song about being fifteen?

This, apparently, is what teenage siblings are for: to remind you of the awful weird bitchy creature you were just a few short years ago. And now you realize: everyone was probably really embarrassed on your behalf, too. Here’s a list of the things you really shouldn’t have been proud of.[2]

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MIT student: “Northwestern Hot” is Really, Really Hot

31 Mar
Anderson, immediately prior to engaging a co-ed in a conversation on the development of integral calculus.

Anderson, immediately prior to engaging Sullivan in a conversation on the development of integral calculus.

EVANSTON — An MIT student visiting his high school friend here in Evanston has noted that “Northwestern hot is really, really hot.”

Tony Anderson, a native of Joliet, Illinois studying engineering at MIT, spent most of his night attempting to score with lines such as, “Quaecumque sunt very very horny,” and “I’ll show you my Willie the Wildcat if you show me your Tim the Beaver.”

“He was kind of cute,” said eyewitness and potential love interest Jennie Sullivan. “He knew all the Korean lyrics to Gangnam style as well as the ‘Eyyy sexy laday,’ which was pretty cool. I just wish he’d broken eye contact. It was like the opposite of walking down Sheridan.”

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The Most Disgusting Forms Of Animal Reproduction In Existence

26 Feb
Oh deer.

Oh deer.

So, stud, you say you’ve done every sex act in Urbandictionary. But have you done every sex act on the Discovery Channel?

For you, dear reader, I have destroyed my Google search history. You’re welcome.

Wasp spider: Extreme Cockblocking

We’re all familiar with the knowledge that female spiders tend to ingest their lovers after coitus. However, the male wasp spider takes the cake for Most Masochistic Sex Act On This Earth: after sex, he “plugs” the female’s vagina by snapping his own penis off, ostensibly to prevent other potential mates from getting any.

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The Four Stages of Intoxication at Northwestern

21 Feb
Sometimes, one PBR just isn't enough for a night in the stacks.

Sometimes, one PBR just isn’t enough for a night in the stacks.

1.     Michael Cera: Nursing your first natty

Hey. You’re in the corner? Oh wow, I’m in the corner too. Wow, yeah. This corner is really hopping. [Silence]. Are you having fun in this corner? Yeah. Yeah, me too. I really like this song.

Hey, so this is probably gonna come off kinda weird but I thought I’d say a couple run-on sentences in a breathy detached voice about how pretty your eyelashes looked when that dude who looks like Tori Spelling stumbled into the wall and turned the light switch on for a second and I’m sorta hoping if I tell you this I’ll get laid cause you think I’m cute. I mean I’m not like trying to tell you you’re attractive but I’m not trying to tell you you’re not or anything, I guess if it’s okay that I think you’re really attractive then yeah that’s how I meant it. Oh. Oh, yeah. You have a boyfriend. You know, I think I need another drink.

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Extreme Cold Abruptly Alters Texas Freshman’s Stance on Euthanasia

22 Jan

Yet another soul lost to a discussion section in Parkes Hall.

Yet another soul lost to a discussion section in Parkes Hall.

EVANSTON — A Texas freshman without proper winter attire has abruptly reversed her opinions on assisted suicide today.

According to witnesses, Austin native Michelle Turner had exited her 1835 Hinman dorm as per usual, on her way to a 9:30 AM lecture in Tech, when she suddenly fell to her knees and began to beg the heavens for “sweet fucking death, or else a working space heater and a scarf.”

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Go The F♥ck to Class

21 Jan

Your TA is grading attendance-

Without it, you never shall pass.

You’re not hot enough to trade “O’s” for “A’s”

So go the fuck to class.

-

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World’s Worst: Animal Species

15 Jan
Do NOT, under any circumstances, give this animal "Bill Clinton sex."

Do NOT, under any circumstances, give this animal “Bill Clinton sex.”

If there is a God, why didn’t He command Noah to throw these assholes overboard?

Dolphins
It is a well-known fact that dolphins are smart motherfuckers. This is what makes them so awful. Evolutionary theorists claim that all mammals, including dolphins, evolved as land-dwelling creatures, but dolphins were evicted back to the sea after they organized and attempted to “eliminate the Koala Problem.”  Dolphins are also responsible for 10% of drownings of children under twelve. They have been known to put on Bill Clinton masks and pose as mermaids to small girls, who immediately either choke on whatever saltwater they’re swimming in or instinctively stop treading water to tightly cross their legs.

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