EVANSTON–An urgent 1845 Hinman suite conversation about where to find alcohol was derailed last Wednesday night by a Southern Californian freshman’s highly repetitive one-sided conversation about how he had lived his entire life without seeing the meteorological phenomenon known as a hail storm. The conversation would develop into a full-blown explanation of Californian culture.
The freshman student, Wyn Cohen, a native to La Jolla, California on San Diego’s north side, could not quite come to terms with how any individual–let alone greater Chicago’s six million people–could trade Midwestern weather for “California’s endless beach days.”
EVANSTON– As of Monday, Mikhail Baryshnikov has successfully passed his courses, allowing him to complete an honorary degree from Northwestern University. Baryshnikov, 65, satisfied his remaining elective credits as required by the Northwestern institution charter for all commencement speakers’ honorary degrees after his transfer from an honorary graduate program in Russia.
His journey toward honorary graduation has been marred Continue reading
In an open letter to the University of Illinois, Associate Professor Ben Mallock said he is getting a tad fed up after students have been repeatedly breaking into his home and pooping in a basket of clean linens.
Mallock, 56, who teaches anthropology at U of I, said he’s bordering on being annoyed with the bi-weekly felony offense of breaking and entering and subsequent defecating into a basket of neatly folded bed sheets for the 12 years he has been empl oyed by the University.
“It used to be this would only happen on the weekends, but now it happens without any regard to the day of the week or time of day,” Mallock wrote in a letter sent to student run newspaper, The Daily Illini. “After class, I found pee in the toilet and a street sign tucked into my bed.” Continue reading
The Lakefill is an important part of Northwestern life. That’s why we have decided to bring you the unabridged and completely factually accurate 53-second history of it. Enjoy!
Written by Cobra Lederham
Created by Cobra Lederham, Manua Hiki-Hiki
EVANSTON — Northwestern Astronomy associate lecturer Allen Buckley revealed to a group of TAs that he made up most of the information on this quarter’s Modern Cosmology final.
Buckley, who taught the Astronomy class, had failed to do any preparation for Friday’s final until Thursday night, citing that he was drunk most of reading week in addition to already knows how to write the fuck out of an astronomy final.
“My class notes made no sense. I have more information on a Tycho Brahe’s bladder exploding than I do on dark energy, so I opened up the book from the assigned chapters and I was, like, what the hell is this?” said Buckley, “I thought it had to be a joke. I was up all night pounding Red Bulls trying to write the final.”
CHICAGO, IL – The day after Super Bowl Sunday has come to mark a national holiday for little girls across the country as tens of thousands of drunk fathers rush to buy the Clydesdale horses that appear annually in national Budweiser commercials.
A group of seven men who viewed Super Bowl XLVII at Callaway’s Pub in Chicago’s Lakeview neighborhood echoed the voices of many drunken men across the United States who happened to be well into their eighth beers as this year’s iconic Clydesdale Budweiser ad played.
“That man gave his horse everything he got, and it broke his damn heart when the fella didn’t recognize him after all those years,” claimed Lou Romano with tears welling in his eyes, “Hell, nearly broke our damn hearts, too.”
With what has clearly been a practical joke played on you by Residential Services, your continually mopey roommate is still together with her equally mopey and regularly stoned boyfriend. The horrendously cold weather has thrust them somehow even closer together, and you’re stuck right there with them thus ensuring your slow human decay into something they will invariably cuddle on.