It was bound to happen. After years of systematically working their way into every song that could possibly be on the radio and simultaneously amassing both millions of haters and many more millions of dollars, rappers/human equivalents of lighting a cigar with a $100-dollar bill Flo Rida and Pitbull have finally teamed up with “Can’t Believe It,” a modern ripoff, err, ode, to Sir Mix-A-Lot’s iconic “Baby Got Back.”
Jackie Robinson breaking the color barrier in baseball. Rosa Parks refusing to give up her seat on the bus. Martin Luther King having a dream. Barack Obama winning the presidency. All of us are familiar with the work that trailblazers like these and so many others accomplished to move beyond our nation’s racial divisions. Now, I am proud to announce that we can inscribe two more names on to this prestigious list, for country singer Brad Paisley has teamed up with rap icon/NCIS: Los Angeles star LL Cool J to finally eradicate black-white tensions. If you were at all concerned that America in 2013 had still not achieved a truly post-racial society, then boy, do I have news for you! Ladies and gentlemen, I give you “Accidental Racist.”
“To the man who waited on me
at the Starbucks down on Main
I hope you understand”
It appears that Brad Paisley knows of exactly one black person, and it is a minimum-wage earner at a coffee chain. And he has dedicated a song to this one black person. What could go wrong?
To our esteemed readers:
With winter quarter having finally been KILLED WITH FIRE, you can all kick back and enjoy a worry-free life, right? Wrong. So wrong. Each and every one of you should be very worried, for American treasure and voice of a generation Amanda Bynes is in need of some serious fixing. Not some minor tweaking, like your self-esteem as a Northwestern student or season one of Parks and Rec; no, this is an all-hands-on-deck fiasco, like Will.i.am. or Cher’s Twitter. A new Greatest Generation must rise to confront this challenge if we are to save Amanda from her tailspin and discover who the real Moody is.
As you are all aware, our Amanda’s troubles have been building for some time now. In retrospect, her “retirement” from acting in her early twenties should have been a red flag, but the idea of being 24 and retired is so fucking cool that no one really bothered to question it. Amanda had also seemed to be so genuinely talented and likable, like post-Cady Heron and pre-Herbie: Fully Loaded-era Lindsay Lohan, that she could do no wrong; her popularity, much like Amber’s, simply could not be denied.
Unless you have been too busy starting a new quarter and everything (oh wait that’s like all of you), you have probably been made aware in the past day that Today Show weatherman/human Labrador retriever after a Freaky Friday-type accident Al Roker came clean about the time he sullied himself in 2002. Yes, that’s right, Mr. Roker SHARTED HIMSELF, and not just because he went on a coke binge with Matt Lauer. Said shart was, in fact, in THE WHITE HOUSE.
This admission, mind you, was completely unsolicited, and it got me wondering if it is now the vilest event to ever occur in the White House. To uncover the truth, I went back through American history to compare it with other acts of heinousness that went down at the executive mansion. Let’s see who comes out on top!
Well, 2012 is drawing to a close, which can only mean one thing: it’s year-end recap season! If you are at all well-versed in the world of journalism (and if so why in the name of all that is holy are you reading this), you are currently being inundated with best-of and worst-of lists to summarize a year that you just lived through and remember perfectly well. It’s all very trivial, so in keeping with that spirit, my end-of-year recap will focus on that all-consuming swamp of triviality, Twitter!
Now, there are some truly remarkable Tweeters who deserve the ultimate #FF, from Rob Delaney to Megan Amram to Ezra Klein to Ryan Kearney, but expounding on my praise of them wouldn’t be very fun or snarky, would it? So instead, I give you the first annual Twattie Awards, honoring the most heinous, vile, or unintentionally hilarious individuals of the Twitterverse! And the winners are:
In recent days, we as college students facing down the stresses of life and such (JK I’m in the School of Comm) and yearning for a simpler time have been treated by you to a treasure trove of nostalgia-inducing revivals guaranteed to warm even the coldest pop-culture heart. First, it was confirmed that Ben Savage and Danielle Fishel, better known as Corey and Topanga, the couple at the heart of Boy Meets World who make any other romantic pair just seem weak and unnecessary by comparison, agreed to return to play the parents (yeah that’s right, you’re all old now, bitches) in the Disney Channel spinoff series Girl Meets World. Then, out of nowhere, Heinous Incarnate Tyra Banks agreed to return as Eve in a SEQUEL to her 2000 doll-come-to-life epic, Life-Size, a film which many would consider to be the greatest DCOM of all time (a solid case could be made for Get a Clue or My Date With the President’s Daughter , among others. Like all of them). Finally, everyone’s favorite former Disney star, Lindsay Lohan, reinvigorated her career with her star turn on Lifetime’s Liz And Dick! Oops never mind on that last one it was a fiasco sorry Lindz better luck next time.
If you’re anything like me, you simply have to wait for celebrity validation before going ahead with major life decisions, which is why I own nine George Foreman grills and six bottles of Spirit: Antonio Banderas cologne. Thus, come election season, I stand proudly with those beautiful, mythical dipshits that are the undecided voters until I receive word from my favorite stars on who should be the leader of this great land. As Gretchen Wieners and Cady Heron once discussed:
Gretchen: I mean, you wouldn’t buy a skirt without asking your friends first if it looked good on you.
Cady: I wouldn’t?
Gretchen: Right. Oh, and it’s the same with presidents. Like, you may think you like someone, but YOU COULD BE WRONG.
As we are all bound by, like, the rules of feminism to Gretchen’s code, I saved you the trouble of researching celeb endorsements to help you make an informed decision. The results were shocking. I may have thought that I liked Obama, but based on this list, I WAS WRONG. Without further adieu, your guide to the top celebrity endorsements that are guaranteed to make Willard Mitt Romney the next President:
My gurl LiLo, Cady Heron herself, apparently took Gretchen’s rules to heart when she announced last month that she would be supporting Romney, stating “I think unemployment is very important for now.” Ugh, if only that kooky communist Obama wasn’t in the White House these past four years, Lindz wouldn’t be so unemployed all of the time!! Wait, what’s that? She’s been to rehab five times and may or may not be a klepto or a crackhead (say crack again CRACK)? Nope, that can’t be it. THNX 4 DENYING US MORE LINDSAY, OBAMACARE!
The king of direct-to-video action movies and subject of a million jokes that weren’t even funny in middle school when literally no one is actually funny, Chuck Norris, is a staunch conservative who released this video in support of Mitt, warning that a second term of Obama would usher in “1,000 years of darkness.” I hadn’t considered just how serious the old “Once you go black…” rule was until Chuck put it this way, but now that I’m aware, there’s no going back. Scary stuff indeed. Romney 2012!
From the time that I first LOLed at his name in preschool (but it’s a FOOD!!), I have been a big fan of Mr. Loaf’s work. Hence, I was overwhelmed with emotion at the sight of Meat and Mitt sharing a stage in Ohio and belting “America the Beautiful” like they were the writers at the Ave plus Morty and it was TSwift. I was even more swayed by the Loaf’s endorsement speech: “The other night when President Barack Obama, God bless him, said to Mitt Romney, ‘The Cold War is over.’ I have never heard such a thing in my life.” Meat is ON TARGET here, I mean when will the liberal media stop covering for Obama and shed some light on the past 21 years of the Cold War that we haven’t been paying attention to?? WHERE IS THE OUTRAGE??
Like many Americans, I wondered how Kid could ever outdo himself after making a sex tape with four groupies and Scott Stapp from Creed (but actually this happened look it up. The story not the video. Well whatever you want actually no judgment from the Ave). Luckily, Mr. Rock (Kid, not Chris) was able to replace Stapp with another guy who scores off the charts with the nation’s white douchebags, Paul Ryan, and the result was this amazing, amazing piece of memorabilia (hint hint I’m open to early Christmas presents).
Many Republicans have tried and failed to develop a cohesive message that will appeal to the American people, but porn icon Jenna Jameson nailed it (UP-TOP!) in her August endorsement of Romney, declaring, “When you’re rich, you want a Republican in office.” There are any number of sexual puns that could be made here, but I feel that “Jenna Jameson endorses Romney” pretty much speaks for itself. Also, who knew that Jenna Jameson had some Republican in her, amirite? Ok done now.
As you can see, we have some real heavyweights behind the Romney-Ryan ticket this year. When you combine the sheer wattage of star power that I have listed above with other such prestigious Romney endorsers as Hulk Hogan, Gene Simmons, Ted Nugent, Clint Eastwood and his Chair, The Naked Cowboy from Times Square, Dionne from Clueless, and Chachi from Happy Days and Joanie Loves Chachi, the choice is clear, America. When you all step into that voting booth, keep these endorsements in mind. They represent all that we can achieve in Mitt Romney’s America. And give credit to Mitt for assembling the jankiest, most mesmerizing, and most heinous batch of trainwrecks that any one man has ever attracted. He has certainly proven himself worthy of their support. Now go forth and vote, America. You do NOT want to let any of these stars down. Especially Lindsay, she is in a very fragile place in her life. Seriously someone help her.
Being a student at USC has some big perks; chief among them is being able to attend the orange carpet (see what they did there??) for the Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards, that annual orgy of slime (or “undisclosed green liquid,” as subsequent research confirms it to be), aspiring basic-cable pop stars, and overly media-saturated tweens. Or, to put it more concisely, the cultural watershed of the year. Needless to say, I was front and center to live-tweet the shit out of the orange carpet scene and its pulsating star power.
“But I don’t follow @rkearney892 on Twitter!” you all may say.
To which I reply, “Fear not! The night’s events shall be recapped in article form lest you miss the chance to live vicariously through my celeb-filled existence!”
For those of you who have lost touch with the Nick universe as time passed (read: every one of you here), you may have a tough time adjusting to some of the changes that I discovered. For example, Rosie O’Donnell is no longer considered a kosher host for a children’s awards show! I know, right?! Also, the A-Teens were not nominated in a single category this year. Apparently kids have moved on. Go figure. You will be relieved to know, however, that the same sense of whimsy and vapid tweeny-bopper culture is as potent as ever. But I digress. Without further adieu, the play-by-play of the KCA2012 Orange Carpet:
The evening got off the ground on a fairly slow note, at least for the 19 year-old males in the crowd of gawkers (read: me and only me). While the kiddies around me chanted eagerly for BTR! BTR! (that’s Big Time Rush, a Nick-manufactured pop group) to arrive, they were temporarily satisfied by the presence of someone named “Ariana.” You may say to yourself, “who the fuck is Ariana and why is every girl shrieking ‘we love you Ariana!’” And I answer, not sure, but the Internets tell me that she is a cast member on the popular show Victorious, starring the very lovely Victoria Justice (more on her later). But then shit got real. Cody Simpson, that’s right, the Cody Simpson, AKA the Australian Bieber, graced the carpet, looking charming as ever. Swoon. With the frequency of obscure (or thrilling, depending on what millennium you were born in) Nick cast members arriving getting faster and faster, Phase Two of the orange carpet experience was ready to launch.
And what a violent phase it was! Like some Tea Party Patriots rockin’ their tri-corner hats and waving their oh-so-clever “Stop Obamunism” signs, these bitches were whipped into a frenzy. They booed the shit out of the riders the decrepit L.A. public school buses for blocking the view; they whipped out their totes adorbs homemade signs professing their love for [insert pop star here], blocking everyone’s views; and they started shrieking. Oh, did they start shrieking. By the time One Direction(look it up) showed up in their classy British car as if they were the Beatles’ grandkids, the fine line between rapture and riot was growing ever-fuzzier. What would happen with this rowdy bunch of tykes???
Thankfully, they got the worst out of their system following the big entrance of 1D (That’s One Direction, and not “Wendy,” as I initially thought they were chanting). And the arrivals just kept getting better. Miranda Cosgrove, surprisingly bashful! Jeanette McCurdy, taking pictures back at the audience! Victoria Justice, as classy and down-to-earth as you’ve no doubt assumed she’d be! And the show was even kind enough to invite Allyson Stoner, whose career peaked kissing baby Taylor Lautner in Cheaper by the Dozen 2, and Jesse McCartney, bless his heart, whose entrance may have been the finest example of *crickets chirping* in modern times. Poor guy. Jesse’s extinguished flame aside, though, things could not be going more perfectly at the orange carpet.
Then disaster struck.
Perhaps out of pity for my followers, God stepped in and sapped my phone of all power. That’s right, at the single most important live-tweeting moment of my career, I was rendered impotent. I mean, how could my awesome celeb sightings possibly be legitimate if they weren’t showed off to everyone I know?? They couldn’t.
Making the situation even more heinous (you’re welcome, Sherman Ave) was the sheer caliber of the stars that showed up while I was off the grid. Katy Perry in a shitty blue dye job! Heidi Klum, sans Seal! Josh Hutcherson, AKA Peeta from the Hunger Games, savoring the attention like a mofo! Nick Cannon and Chris Rock (da fuck?)! Emma Stone and Andrew Garfield, in an entrance that gave me a total Spidey-gasm! The spawn of Smith, Jaden and Willow, with the trademark family swag! And the High Priestesses of teendom themselves, Selena Muthafuckin Gomez and Ashley Tisdale, best friends as you always dreamed they’d be! How oh how could the world know that I saw all of these people??
Thankfully the good sirs at Sherman Avepicked up on my musings, and offered me the chance to share them with the whole Wildcat world. And you are all very lucky that they did. So that’s the story of my Kids’ Choice 2012 Orange Carpet excursion. You have now gotten to live the star-studded, slime-filled life vicariously through me. I would express my hope that this enhanced your KCA experience, but real talk, you’re all like 20 and it was a Saturday night. So I know weren’t watching. But thanks to me, you didn’t even have to!
And for that, you’re welcome.