The result of a horrible misunderstanding, James Franco lost his life on March 1st during his most recent experimental art piece: The Death of James Franco. Though Franco anticipated that his public autoerotic asphyxiation wouldn’t result in actual death, stating that “art cannot die,” the enigmatic actor lost consciousness and subsequently his life in the “performance.”
Answering the age-old riddle, “If a pop star who doesn’t twerk dies of something that isn’t a drug overdose, does it make a sound?” Leona Lewis was discovered in her apartment seven weeks after her death on October 7, 2014 (cause unknown). Sources reported, “Oh. Leona Lewis. She was a singer right? Is she the one from that ‘Put Your Records On’ song?”
After many years of struggling, Magic Johnson lost his longtime battle with asthma on June 6th.
In what his publicist is marketing as “a totally original, LaBeouf-inspired action,” Shia LaBeouf died of a drug overdose outside The Viper Room early on October 31st. LaBeouf — who managed to shout, “Nobody has seen anything like this before. Everything I’ve done is my own and born out of my own genius, ” as he convulsed — passed away at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center. His final words were reported to be: “Don’t remember me as I am today, but as the star of the 1986 coming-of-age classic, Stand by Me.”
Just kidding. Saints can’t die.
Young Jaden Smith lost his life on the set of The Karate Kid Three: Take It To The Streets, after Jackie Chan landed an accidental roundhouse kick on the temple of the young actor when Smith shouted, “I am the greatest martial artist of all time!” Jaden is succeeded by his parents and sister Willow, who promised to “make as much money as possible” to honor his memory.
Dolly Parton passed away during sexual intercourse on March 21st, 2014, after being unintentionally suffocated by her own breasts. Yes, it was, according to unnamed sources, “about as funny as everyone assumes it would be.”
In one of the most gruesome deaths Hollywood’s seen in years, Rob Delaney was brutally beaten to death with his book, Rob Delaney: Mother. Wife. Sister. Human. Warrior. Falcon. Yardstick. Turban. Cabbage. on January 7th. The murder, which took place on Hollywood Boulevard, was orchestrated by hundreds of thousands of Delaney’s twitter followers who swore they would “shove Delaney’s book down his throat, since he’s been trying to force it down ours for so fucking long.”
No suspects have been implicated in the murder at this point.
The world lost one of it most feared and despotic dictators this year when Robert Mugabe lost his life on November 7th. The Zimbabwean leader, who has survived assassination plots and a deadly motorcade crash, succumbed to a mild internationally-organized coup.
Zimbabwe is expected to have a resurgence in democratic politics, before returning to crippling instability.
It was a truly horrifying scene, as Danica Patrick’s blossoming racing career came to a screeching halt when her two bowed legs collapsed upon each other just as she was about to take first place in the 1st Annual Let’s Just Let Danika Win One of These So She’ll Stop Doing Those Awful GoDaddy.Com Commercials 400.
Though the car reached a safe stop, the screaming that preceded it caused Patrick’s lungs to collapse.
Media mogul Rupert Murdoch, the Executive Chairman of Newscorp and the CEO of 21st Century Fox, departed from the Earth on Easter of 2014. His body and soul were reclaimed by the Dark Lord himself and a pit opened in the middle of New York City and dragged the billionaire business leader into the depths of Hell.
In Hell, Murdoch is expected to return to his first job, Executive Assistant to Satan.
What better way of honoring these future tragic deaths than by taking the Third Annual Sherman Ave Readers’ Poll? None. There is no better way.