If Every Big Ten School Were A Parks And Rec Character

22 Oct

University of Illinois as Jean-Ralphio

“Technically I’m homelessss.”

Both are broke, but they still manage to have a good time anyways. Got off on a technicalllllityyy!

Indiana University as Leslie Knope

“The only thing I'm guilty of is loving Pawnee... and punching Lindsay in the face and shoving a coffee filter down her pants.”

“The only thing I’m guilty of is loving Pawnee… and punching Lindsay in the face and shoving a coffee filter down her pants.”

Leslie devotes her entire existence to the town of Pawnee. Which is in Indiana. Soooo.

University of Iowa as Ann Perkins

“Hey! Did you maybe tell people that I diagnosed that guy with mumps based on his porn photo?  Because now I have everyone in city hall sending me pictures of their junk asking me if they have mumps.”

“Hey! Did you maybe tell people that I diagnosed that guy with mumps based on his porn photo? Because now I have everyone in city hall sending me pictures of their junk asking me if they have mumps.”

Neither stand out, but both are classically midwestern and always around.

University of Michigan as Ron Swanson

“Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets.”

“Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets.”

Just as many see Ron Swanson as the face of the Pawnee Parks Department, many consider Michigan to be a staple force in the Big Ten. Both maintain strong traditions, but tend to dwell on past accomplishments while coasting through the present. We can all admit that sometimes we feel a bit emasculated compared to these entities.

Michigan State University as Joan Callamezzo

“Drink up, Tom. I'm gonna go powder my nose...amongst other things. If you know what I mean.”

“Drink up, Tom. I’m gonna go powder my nose…amongst other things. If you know what I mean.”

Both are hot messes that are constantly shitfaced. Having a show on a community television station is a big deal for both of them.

University of Minnesota as April Ludgate

“Hello. I’m April Ludgate. I’m twenty-years-old. I like people, places and things.”

“Hello. I’m April Ludgate. I’m twenty-years-old. I like people, places and things.”

Everyone knows them, but they are still so mysterious. (What goes on over there in Minnesota?)

University of Nebraska as Marcia Langman

“[This painting] should be burned here first, burned in hell second.”

“[This painting] should be burned here first, burned in hell second.”

Marcia Langman would be a huge proponent of Nebraska’s anti-drinking policies, as she is often a proponent of anti-anything.

Northwestern University as Ben Wyatt

“You know, ‘nerd culture’ is mainstream now. So, when you use the word ‘nerd’ derogatorily, it means you’re the one that’s out of the zeitgeist.”

Like Ben, Northwestern thrives on nerd culture (Game of Thrones fans, raise your hands), overachieves and fails to get respect from lesser institutions despite being intelligent.

Ohio State University as Jerry

NOBODY LIKES YOU JERRY.

Penn State University as Andy Dwyer

“Leslie, I typed your symptoms into the thing up here and it says you could have network connectivity problems.”

“Leslie, I typed your symptoms into the thing up here and it says you could have network connectivity problems.”

Both make up for their lack of education with free spirits and rowdy fun.

Purdue University as Mark Brendanawicz

“Why does anybody wanna run for public office? You're just asking to have your entire life exposed.”

“Why does anybody wanna run for public office? You’re just asking to have your entire life exposed.”

Forgot about him? Like Brendanawicz, Purdue is bland and forgettable.

University of Wisconsin as Tom Haverford

“Oh, what’s this in my shoe? Red carpet insole. Everywhere I go, I’m walking on red carpet.”

“Oh, what’s this in my shoe? Red carpet insole. Everywhere I go, I’m walking on red carpet.”

Tom’s boyishness and naivety would make him feel right at home at Wisconsin. However, no one can deny that both know how to throw down.

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48 Responses to “If Every Big Ten School Were A Parks And Rec Character”

  1. suchanerd October 22, 2013 at 3:10 pm #

    lel Game of Thrones so nerdy!!!! xDDDDD so randum (i bet you guys even read BOOKS lol how nerdy)

    • captain oblivious October 22, 2013 at 5:45 pm #

      ^this

  2. Eagleton Ron October 22, 2013 at 6:53 pm #

    Clearly not a fan of MSU. UM is more like Eagleton Ron, those freegan vegan hippies.

    • katrina October 22, 2013 at 7:30 pm #

      Common mistake you have made there – don’t confuse UofM students with Ann Arborites. The town is full of hippies, but the students are trust fund toting, polo wearing, egotistical frat bros/sorostitutes. But then again, these are all just gross over generalizations anyway.

      • Cammy October 23, 2013 at 10:44 am #

        I would love to know a) if you are an AA native and b) if you attending the University of Michigan. I doubt that you are not either since this is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.

      • Dana Bishop October 23, 2013 at 6:39 pm #

        lol at Cammy… your double negative invalidates your statement AND proves you are probably a Michigan grad.

      • Joseph October 24, 2013 at 12:44 am #

        Doesn’t the University of Wisconsin accept half the people that apply Dana? Your school is nowhere near the University of Michigan. Your use of ellipses, “lol” and all caps proves that.

  3. Shane October 22, 2013 at 6:56 pm #

    What about Perd Hapley?

    • Will October 22, 2013 at 8:07 pm #

      Rutgers.

  4. Jen October 22, 2013 at 9:08 pm #

    Clearly written by a Michigan fan…

    • Denard Robinson October 23, 2013 at 8:29 am #

      Clearly! No respect to MSU, OSU, and PSU? You only

      • Denard Robinson October 23, 2013 at 8:31 am #

        get one group who would write this. It’s a stupid show anyway. Newsroom characters would be much more interesting.

      • AMH October 24, 2013 at 11:42 am #

        Hold on, is this actually a person going by ‘Denard Robinson’ demanding respect for MSU and OSU? Troll.

  5. Alysha October 22, 2013 at 9:13 pm #

    Not to mention Leslie Knope graduated from IU. http://www.pawneeindiana.com/parks-and-recreation/staff.shtml

    She has even appeared in the Alumni magazine under “notable alumni”

    • Johnny Appleseed October 30, 2013 at 11:25 pm #

      Aaaaaaand, where do you see that she graduated from IU in that link??

      • Alysha November 1, 2013 at 2:28 pm #

        In an early episode in the series she goes on a date and the man she’s on a date with says he wouldn’t of asked he out if he had know she was a Hoosier.

  6. Tim October 22, 2013 at 10:02 pm #

    Page 66 of Pawnee: The Greatest Town in America “Zone Don’t EVER play zone defense. Zone is a particularly Michigan-flavored style of weakness.” From Ron Swanson;s “Hoosier Basketball Fundamentals”. Seriously questioning your fanhood.

    • Brendan October 22, 2013 at 10:21 pm #

      Man, I would really expect a “Ben Wyatt” “nerd culture” connoisseur of the world to have done the appropriate primary source research for this. I wonder what the “lesser institutions” will think…

  7. Lilly Humphrey October 22, 2013 at 11:24 pm #

    Obviously MSU would be played by Tom Haverford. Way more like-able than the Badgers, and far more fun. Plus, more ingenuity. Someone had to master excelling in class when plastered on the reg…

    • em October 23, 2013 at 10:02 am #

      They will ask me where I went to college, and I will say Wisconsin. Their excited expression will turn to shame, and all they will manage to get out is ‘oh,’ because instantly they will know no story they can tell will top what I have done. I will not need to say a thing. They will understand. They know that their wildest night of college was just a regular Thursday for us. We Wisconsin kids are a special breed. And trust me, everyone is jealous.

    • Jmend October 23, 2013 at 12:32 pm #

      Haha, classic MSU response.
      More likable than the badgers? We were rated #1 for happiest students http://www.huffingtonpost.com/unigo/top-10-colleges-with-the-_b_1840568.html
      More fun?! We are rated in top 10 of every Party school list ever and MSU never makes it, compared to other Big TEN competitors like PSU, Illinois and Indiana who also throw down. Playboy just ranked us No. 2 in US. http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2013/09/25/playboy-party-school-west-virginia-university/2869371/
      More ingenuity? That one’s a joke. Maybe UMich has better academics than UW Madison but even that is debatable as we ranked higher in world rankings but still, Mich State? Thats just a complete joke.
      http://www.news.wisc.edu/20966

      And yeah basically of all the schools to claim to come close to Wisconsin, MSU is the last one that can make a claim.

    • Paul Soulier October 23, 2013 at 6:30 pm #

      You clearly don’t know anything about Wisconsin… UW is far more fun, plus almost everyone is plastered in class.

  8. Robert October 23, 2013 at 8:01 am #

    What we can all agree on here is, Illinois is in the Big 10?

    • Derp October 23, 2013 at 9:40 pm #

      Illinois has been in the Big 10 since the Big 10′s inception in 1896. Also, Illinois has the second most Big 10 championships.

    • Anon October 28, 2013 at 4:22 pm #

      ^—This guy gets it.

  9. Joan October 23, 2013 at 8:46 am #

    Just another bitter wolverine. Just to clarify, Penn State is ranked 37th nationally – I’m not sure they have a “lack of education.”

    • Dave October 23, 2013 at 10:04 am #

      Congrats on 37, but I’m pretty sure that Umich is ranked higher…

    • Ashley October 23, 2013 at 2:26 pm #

      Hmmm. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I believe the number 28 comes before the number 37. So if Michigan is ranked 28th and Penn State is ranked 37th, then that means ::say it with me:: Michigan is ranked higher than Penn State. Look, you’re learning something. http://colleges.usnews.rankingsandreviews.com/best-colleges/university-of-michigan-ann-arbor-9092

      • Drew October 25, 2013 at 3:02 pm #

        Ashley, did he say Penn State was above Michigan? No he did not. Both schools were ranked as Top 10 Public Universities. Based on your condescending tone, it appears you were either ignorant of that fact or you just needed a place to vent your transparent frustration about losing to Penn State yet again in football. I’m guessing it’s a little of both, so thanks for reiterating the point about bitter Wolverines.

    • Buckeye October 23, 2013 at 8:17 pm #

      Still under the Buckeyes though

  10. Adam Markon (@amarkon88) October 23, 2013 at 10:02 am #

    Oh that’s cute. You think that even us Minnesotans know what goes on in Minnesota.

  11. Jackson Street October 23, 2013 at 11:16 am #

    Reblogged this on Attic Chatter and commented:
    As a Wisconsin alum, I couldn’t be more excited to be represented by Tom Haverford, played by the hilarious Aziz Ansari.

  12. JW October 23, 2013 at 3:28 pm #

    “Like Brendanawicz, Purdue is bland and forgettable.” – No truer words have ever been spoken.

  13. jory October 23, 2013 at 4:55 pm #

    This is so poorly written.

  14. NO OK October 23, 2013 at 7:43 pm #

    At least Ohio State has “the biggest penis I have ever seen”.

    • Buckeye October 23, 2013 at 8:18 pm #

      That’s what my Michigan grad wife said lol

  15. Stephanie October 23, 2013 at 8:00 pm #

    Hilarious! I went to U of I and I’m from Minnesota and I love Parks and Rec!

  16. Swan Ronson October 24, 2013 at 3:02 pm #

    Nick Offerman went to U of I, so I’m pretty sure that means they automatically get Ron Swanson…

  17. Reality October 25, 2013 at 8:26 pm #

    Lol Michigan is an embarrassment to the big ten

  18. Truth October 27, 2013 at 5:23 pm #

    I’m with Swan Ronson on this one. Ron Swanson is clearly Illinois. University of Michigan should be Chris Traeger… Annoying but admittedly athletic. Jerry’s perfect for Ohio State, but runner up for Ohio State is Jeremy Jamm.

    • Pop November 2, 2013 at 6:08 pm #

      Minnesota should be Chris Traeger…we are in the healthiest city in the U.S.

  19. Tigger Nitties October 29, 2013 at 7:14 pm #

    Lol yeah raping little boys at Penn State, just good fun! Who in god’s name wrote this??

  20. Notre Damer November 6, 2013 at 9:15 pm #

    Minnesota is seriously the most accurate- BEST. EVER.

  21. Jeff Sedlack January 6, 2014 at 2:42 am #

    Game of Thrones was written by a Northwestern grad!

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Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Things That Are Awesome, Vol. 100 (AKA, My Greatest Hits) | La Vida Laura - December 14, 2013

    […] Volume 94 – Stunning accuracy: If Every Big Ten School Were a Parks and Rec Character. Nobody likes you, […]

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