#GetFuckedCal

29 Aug
Don't ask what the lightsaber's for.

Don’t ask what the lightsaber’s for.

Dear Cal,

I know we’ve only seen each other once before, but apparently the thorough dicking you received during the Truman administration was so great you couldn’t help but ask us to come back for more.

So here we are, yet again, the Gator Bowl Champion Wildcats visiting Berkeley for the first time since the Soviets went all nuclear and since the sad hippie burnout Golden Bears last retained any sense of national relevance.  And this time, Fitz and his 22nd nationally-ranked crew come bearing a message:

Get fucked Cal.

This Saturday’s going to be a night game at California Memorial Stadium, so make sure you get plenty of rest and medicinal-grade marijuana to prepare for Kain Colter and Venric Mark to tear your team a new asshole the girth of a California Redwood. And you thought “Tightwad Hill” was only a nickname…

Of course, Cal has had plenty of practice losing to nerds from elite universities, but nothing can prepare you for the sensation of Chi Chi Ariguzo boning you like the New Left screwed Hubert Humphrey in 1968.

You remember the New Left, right? Well, don’t bother bringing the free love signs on Saturday. It won’t take that much convincing for the Wildcats to bring all of Cal’s defense to its knees like it’s The Castro circa 1973.

Too bad not even Janet Napolitano can save you from Tyler Scott stuffing his throbbing member down the entire Cal offensive line. Are you prepared for a ramming worse than Schwarzenegger trying to reduce a multi-billion dollar budget crisis? If so, one thing’s for certain: None of you hippies are going to #occupy the end zone.

Trevor Siemian may be gentle and drive new defensive coordinator Andy Buh out to wine country for a night of passion, but don’t expect Nick VanHoose to be so kind when he takes 19-year-old QB Jared Goff’s innocence.

Personally, I can’t wait to run into Sonny Dykes Sunday morning, dazed and wandering around the streets of Berkeley seeking out consolation from the town’s homeless population in exchange for a nug of some “far-out shit.”

Sorry Cal. You’re not the best team in your conference. You’re not the best team in your state. Hell, you’re not even the best team in the California school system. But what you will be, come Saturday night, is fucked like the Chinese Nationalist Party at the hands of Mao. We know you’re pretty into Mao over there in hippieland.

Cordially,
Evander Jones

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8 Responses to “#GetFuckedCal”

  1. Perple August 30, 2013 at 12:34 am #

    Who the hell would publish such a dumb article?

  2. trevjesus August 30, 2013 at 1:08 am #

    I can understand your need to lash out, given that your entire political universe is crumbling, but your bravado seems misplaced. I suppose that 10 wins — even with your schedule — entitles your football team to a measure of self-confidence; but I’m not sure how many guys on your football team would buy into the knuckle-dragging, low-information-voter, politically ignorant schtick. They’re actually pretty smart.

    Maybe this will do the trick: “Obama’s gonna git yer gunzz!!!”

    Woops. Better load another palette of ammo into the shelter.

  3. Lil Reese August 30, 2013 at 12:15 pm #

    Dumb. Those hashtags are pathetic. We are above this.

  4. B&GBear August 30, 2013 at 2:02 pm #

    I am sure the NU fans think this guy is a total jerk also. Here is to a good game. No injuries. Go Bears!!!

  5. Skip Huston August 30, 2013 at 2:25 pm #

    Stay Classy, really, I mean it stay classy. Sexist, bigoted, moron alert.

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Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Freshman Thrilled to see Hail for First Time | Sherman Ave - September 19, 2013

    […] Cohen was quick to remind his suitemates that he could have stayed in California by going to a number of schools in his home state, including USC, UCLA, UCSD, UCSB, UCSJ, or Berkeley. […]

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