Yesterday marked a historic day for the Catholic Church, as Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio of Argentina—now known as Pope Francis I—was selected to be the 266th leader of the Catholic Church. In a stroke of good luck, Sherman Ave correspondent Prince Giblets was fortunate enough to chat with the recently elected Pontifex Maximus only moments after he spoke for the first time at the Vatican. What did His Holiness have to say? You’ll have to keep reading to find out:
Sherman Ave: First of all, it’s an absolute honor to speak with you on such an incredible day, Your Holiness—
Pope Francis I: Please. Call me Pope-E-Fresh.
SA: Excuse me, Pope-E-Fresh. When you first heard that the cardinals had chosen you to be the next spiritual head of the Catholic Church, how did you react?
PFI: Honestly? I got hype as fuck. I was chillin’ in my suite in the Vatican, you know, and then when the cardinals called me up and told me the deets, I cracked open a bottle of Courvoisier and took like five shots. Then I called over my Italian love-toy Maria and asked her to give me a squeezer. She politely declined, which is cool, whatever, cause I didn’t really care ‘cause I’m Pope Francis now bitches! Isn’t that sick?
SA: It certainly is. It’s also sick that you’re a pope of many firsts: The first pope from the Americas, the first Jesuit pope, the first pope to take the name Francis—
PFI: Yeah, yeah, I know all that shit. And yeah, I agree, it’s awesome. The Catholic Church hasn’t been sexy since Pope Innocent VIII, and I’m tryna make this church sexy again. I’m leadin’ the charge. After all, bitches love South American men, bro. I mean, look at me. Who wouldn’t want this jelly?
SA: I know I certainly do. Of course, you were elected after Pope Benedict XVI stepped down from the papacy, an absolutely unprecedented event for the Church. Anything you’d like to say about Benedict?
PFI: Yeah. Around the Vat’ we call him Stinky Ben. I don’t know why, but I’ve heard it had to do with this thing that happened on the annual cardinal ski trip. I didn’t get invited though so I don’t really know what the deal is. But the few times I’ve spoken to him he always tells me how smooth my hands are, which is pretty dope because I moisturize really regularly and I pride myself on that shit.
SA: In what ways would you say you’re different from Benedict XVI?
PFI: Well, the smoothness of my skin, as I just said. But also we like different music. I’m more of a Biggie Smalls guy, but Stinky Ben’s always talkin’ about how great Pac was and I just don’t get it. I mean, yeah, I get that he did a lot for the ‘Hood but Biggie just had a better flow, was a better lyricist, and had that voice, son. That signature rapper voice. No one can touch Biggie. Best ever.
SA: So true. I’d like to get serious for a moment, though. As I’m sure you’re aware, the Catholic Church has been under controversial fire for a multitude of different things—I won’t say what but I’m sure you know what I mean.
PFI: I mean, sure, whatever.
SA: How would you respond to people who say that these issues have given the Catholic Church a bad name from which it cannot recover?
PFI: Look, man, if there’s one thing that history’s taught us, it’s that you can never count out the Catholic Church. Jesus, we’ve been around for like, two thousand years. We’re not going anywhere, bro, and that’s a promise. Just cause a couple of little boys got diddled by some pervy dudes—which I do not agree with, by the way, that’s totally not me—doesn’t mean that we’re down and out. We’re kinda like Sly Stalone in Rocky IV: No one thinks we can beat Ivan Drago, but then we get out there and start fuckin’ training in the snow and then we beat him! So yeah. Never count us out, World. We’re gonna be here for a while.
SA: I know you’re probably a very busy man right now, but any plans for the rest of the evening?
PFI: Four words: You’re Only Pope Once. Now where’re those lucky red leather shoes.