7:00 am: You are woken up by an alarm set to the rousing melody of Chet Haze’s “Hollywood.” You try to change the alarm tone every morning, but in Hell, it automatically resets.
7:15 am: You walk into your bathroom to shower, only to find someone engaging in self-gratification. THAT MEANS MASTURBATION.
7:30 am: Check your e-mail. You have 94 e-mails.
E-mail 1: A security alert e-mail, informing you that a fellow Northwestern student was robbed at gunpoint yesterday at 11:55am while walking from Harris to Kresge.
E-mail 2: A notification that your tuition must be paid within the next 48 hours. In Hell, you receive this e-mail every 48 hours.
E-mail 3: A listing of all the best paid internships, complete with a ballpark estimate of how many people are more qualified for the internship than you.
E-mails 4 through 94: All from Mark Witte.
8:00 am: Organic chemistry lecture. You get your midterm back today.
9:00 am: You want breakfast, but you don’t have much time before your 9:30am class, so you are forced to eat breakfast in Hinman dining hall.
9:25 am: Wait for the Frostbite Express. It will not come. It does not exist.
9:38 am: Walk late into your Poetry lecture in Fisk 217. In this lecture, your professor spends all 80 minutes reading Emily Dickinson poems aloud in an over-dramatized performance voice after miserably failing to operate a projector. Furthermore, the kid sitting next to you spends the entire class period making his desk creak.
11:04 am: Accidentally overhear two Medilldos discussing “new media.”
11:15 am: Take time to register for classes. You’re the first person shut out of every class you try to take and end up taking 8am Econometrics Monday through Saturday. Professors respond to emails asking for permission numbers with gifs of Nic Cage saying ‘no.’
11:57 am: You use the first-floor library bathroom and contract seven venereal diseases.
12:30 pm: You go to Edzo’s for lunch. Edzo’s is closed, because in Hell, every day is a Monday.
12:45 pm: Since Edzo’s is closed, you go to Chipotle for lunch. They’re out of everything except salads.
1:36 pm: Try to connect to Northwestern’s wi-fi. In Hell, Northwestern’s wi-fi is actually slightly better than its wi-fi is in real life. Even Hell isn’t that fucking cruel.
2:00 pm: Race forum on Deering Field.
2:30 pm: Pick up a copy of NU Flipside. Sherman Ave writers are too busy burning in hell to blog much.
2:37 pm: Asian tourists won’t stop taking pictures of you walking through the arch.
2:39 pm: Pass by the Rock. Witness SHAPE’s live “Kama Sutra and Fucksaws” demonstration.
2:45 pm: Sit down in Norbucks. Within two minutes of sitting down, you find yourself surrounded by a gaggle of theatre majors belting numbers from Les Mis IN A GODDAMN PUBLIC PLACE.
2:46 pm: Norris Cat Lady sits next to you on the couch. RIGHT next to you.
3:24 pm: Check your e-mail again. You have two e-mails from your History professor.
E-mail 1: Announcing that tomorrow’s class is canceled.
E-mail 2: Announcing that tomorrow’s class is no longer canceled.
4:00 pm: Intro to Philosophy Discussion Section. In Hell, this section is entirely comprised of Freshmen Philosophy majors who wear beanies and mispronounce “Sartre.”
4:53 pm: Accidentally make eye contact with someone working a bake sale near Kellogg.
5:30 pm: Run into your TA waiting in line at Frontera Fresca. All he gets is a bowl of guacamole and you can’t turn away as he eats it with a spoon.
5:51 pm: After waiting in line for 30 minutes, you find that you have insufficient funds to purchase dinner at Frontera. To be fair, this happens in real life.
6:30 pm: Sorority Bid Night. In Hell, every night is Sorority Bid Night.
7:00 pm: Watch the NCAA Selection Show. In Hell, it plays every day and they make us all watch it. It’s our own personal reaping. It’s also immediately followed by a compulsory nightly viewing of the “Best of Northwestern Bowl Game Losses” highlight reel.
7:30pm: Mayfest announces that Garth Brooks and Sting will headline this year’s Dillo Day (which now mandates that all students be breathalyzed).
7:38 pm: Sexiled by your roomie and his right hand.
8:00 pm: You attend an hour-long a cappella show, put on by a group known for only covering songs by Green Day. This show happens every night and attendance is always mandatory.
9:10 pm: You begin homework on WebAssign. It only takes 15 minutes, but you have to do it 4 times because the Internet cuts out every time you try to submit it.
10:25: Start pregaming for the Keg. Get written up by a CA for possession of two cans of Miller High Life and an empty 40. Future political career forever tarnished.
11:58 pm: Keg Monday. In Hell, the Keg’s fence is 20’ high and guarded by Mayor Tisdahl. Once inside, the playlist is exclusively Pitbull and Justin Bieber. Hook up with a Kellogg student. See Chet Haze. Find out “Kellogg Student” is actually 35-year-old married townie who has hooked up with Chet Haze. You are now eskimo brothers with Chet Haze.