An Average Day in a Northwestern Student’s Hell

31 Jan
Pictured: Hell

Pictured: Hell

7:00 am: You are woken up by an alarm set to the rousing melody of Chet Haze’s “Hollywood.”  You try to change the alarm tone every morning, but in Hell, it automatically resets.

7:15 am: You walk into your bathroom to shower, only to find someone engaging in self-gratification. THAT MEANS MASTURBATION.

7:30 am: Check your e-mail. You have 94 e-mails.
E-mail 1: A security alert e-mail, informing you that a fellow Northwestern student was robbed at gunpoint yesterday at 11:55am while walking from Harris to Kresge.
E-mail 2:  A notification that your tuition must be paid within the next 48 hours.  In Hell, you receive this e-mail every 48 hours.
E-mail 3:  A listing of all the best paid internships, complete with a ballpark estimate of how many people are more qualified for the internship than you.
E-mails 4 through 94:  All from Mark Witte.

8:00 am:  Organic chemistry lecture.  You get your midterm back today.

9:00 am:  You want breakfast, but you don’t have much time before your 9:30am class, so you are forced to eat breakfast in Hinman dining hall.

9:25 am: Wait for the Frostbite Express. It will not come. It does not exist.

9:38 am:  Walk late into your Poetry lecture in Fisk 217.  In this lecture, your professor spends all 80 minutes reading Emily Dickinson poems aloud in an over-dramatized performance voice after miserably failing to operate a projector.  Furthermore, the kid sitting next to you spends the entire class period making his desk creak.

11:04 am: Accidentally overhear two Medilldos discussing “new media.”

11:15 am: Take time to register for classes. You’re the first person shut out of every class you try to take and end up taking 8am Econometrics Monday through Saturday. Professors respond to emails asking for permission numbers with gifs of Nic Cage saying ‘no.’

11:57 am: You use the first-floor library bathroom and contract seven venereal diseases.

12:30 pm: You go to Edzo’s for lunch.  Edzo’s is closed, because in Hell, every day is a Monday.

12:45 pm: Since Edzo’s is closed, you go to Chipotle for lunch.  They’re out of everything except salads.

1:36 pm: Try to connect to Northwestern’s wi-fi.  In Hell, Northwestern’s wi-fi is actually slightly better than its wi-fi is in real life.  Even Hell isn’t that fucking cruel.

2:00 pm: Race forum on Deering Field.

2:30 pm: Pick up a copy of NU Flipside. Sherman Ave writers are too busy burning in hell to blog much.

2:37 pm: Asian tourists won’t stop taking pictures of you walking through the arch.

2:39 pm: Pass by the Rock. Witness SHAPE’s live “Kama Sutra and Fucksaws” demonstration.

2:45 pm: Sit down in Norbucks.  Within two minutes of sitting down, you find yourself surrounded by a gaggle of theatre majors belting numbers from Les Mis IN A GODDAMN PUBLIC PLACE.

2:46 pm:  Norris Cat Lady sits next to you on the couch.  RIGHT next to you.

3:24 pm:  Check your e-mail again.  You have two e-mails from your History professor.
E-mail 1:  Announcing that tomorrow’s class is canceled.
E-mail 2:  Announcing that tomorrow’s class is no longer canceled.

4:00 pm: Intro to Philosophy Discussion Section. In Hell, this section is entirely comprised of Freshmen Philosophy majors who wear beanies and mispronounce “Sartre.”

4:53 pm: Accidentally make eye contact with someone working a bake sale near Kellogg.

5:30 pm: Run into your TA waiting in line at Frontera Fresca. All he gets is a bowl of guacamole and you can’t turn away as he eats it with a spoon.

5:51 pm:  After waiting in line for 30 minutes, you find that you have insufficient funds to purchase dinner at Frontera.  To be fair, this happens in real life.

6:30 pm: Sorority Bid Night. In Hell, every night is Sorority Bid Night.

7:00 pm: Watch the NCAA Selection Show. In Hell, it plays every day and they make us all watch it. It’s our own personal reaping.  It’s also immediately followed by a compulsory nightly viewing of the “Best of Northwestern Bowl Game Losses” highlight reel.

7:30pm:  Mayfest announces that Garth Brooks and Sting will headline this year’s Dillo Day (which now mandates that all students be breathalyzed).

7:38 pm: Sexiled by your roomie and his right hand.

8:00 pm: You attend an hour-long a cappella show, put on by a group known for only covering songs by Green Day.  This show happens every night and attendance is always mandatory.

9:10 pm:  You begin homework on WebAssign.  It only takes 15 minutes, but you have to do it 4 times because the Internet cuts out every time you try to submit it.

10:25: Start pregaming for the Keg. Get written up by a CA for possession of two cans of Miller High Life and an empty 40. Future political career forever tarnished.

11:58 pm: Keg Monday. In Hell, the Keg’s fence is 20’ high and guarded by Mayor Tisdahl. Once inside, the playlist is exclusively Pitbull and Justin Bieber. Hook up with a Kellogg student. See Chet Haze. Find out “Kellogg Student” is actually 35-year-old married townie who has hooked up with Chet Haze.  You are now eskimo brothers with Chet Haze.

-Ross Packingham, Sir Edward Twattingworth III, and Evander Jones

About these ads

18 Responses to “An Average Day in a Northwestern Student’s Hell”

  1. Zenon January 31, 2013 at 4:19 pm #

    congrats, this was actually funny

  2. Phill A. January 31, 2013 at 4:53 pm #

    Loved it.

  3. willdcat January 31, 2013 at 5:46 pm #

    the wifi one was gold

  4. George Costanza January 31, 2013 at 6:11 pm #

    the worst part would waking up at 7:00

  5. Patrick Whorton January 31, 2013 at 6:34 pm #

    Just Beautiful Satire, my young buck

  6. gay January 31, 2013 at 7:25 pm #

    ^that guy is a fag

  7. Ali Parr January 31, 2013 at 8:37 pm #

    I’m crying. I lost it at the wi-fi part

  8. morty shapiro January 31, 2013 at 9:43 pm #

    oh my god this is the best thing i’ve ever read on sherman ave

  9. jim phillips February 1, 2013 at 12:20 am #

    yes

  10. Jazzy February 1, 2013 at 10:47 am #

    In response to 2:00 pm: Race forum on Deering Field.and 2:37 pm: Asian tourists won’t stop taking pictures of you walking through the arch.

    An Average Day in a Northwestern Student of Color’s Hell

    7:00 am: You are woken up by a default alarm because if it were a song you normally listen to you’ll think you’re just dreaming with a Tupac soundtrack
    7:30 am: Check your e-mail. You have 94 e-mails.
    E-mail 1: A security alert e-mail, informing you that a fellow Northwestern student was robbed at gunpoint yesterday at 11:55am while walking from Harris to Kresge. And guess what, YOU’RE THE ONE WHO ROBBED him.
    E-mail 2: A notification that your tuition must be paid within the next 48 hours and the scholarship you just got from MSA has disappeared due to Northwestern’s crooked, jacked up system with endowed scholarships.
    E-mail 3: Someone from one of NU’s prestigious news sources wants to cover the protest your organization is a part of downtown, but they don’t actually want to come with you
    9:25 am: Wait for the Frostbite Express. It will not come. It does not exist. You’re people weren’t made for this weather…at all.
    9:38 am: Walk late into your Poetry lecture in Fisk 217. In this lecture, your professor spends all 80 minutes reading Emily Dickinson poems aloud in an over-dramatized performance voice after miserably failing to operate a projector.
    10:20 am: You visit said poetry professor in her office to discuss your grade on your latest paper and she tells you she’s impressed that you can connect to the beauty and language of the poem considering your background…?
    11:04 am: Accidentally overhear two students in Norris discussing their misunderstanding of MGC and NPHC organizations. “Why don’t they just join an IFC org so we can be a stronger, more unified community?” they ask.
    11:30 am: You meet the president of ASA for a lunch meeting.
    11:45 am: You meet with Pursuit members to plan your next trip to Loyola.
    11:52 am: You meet with FMO representatives to discuss the spring concert, wait what spring concert?
    12:15 pm: You meet with your AE for him to tell you that he actually left your event early, but it seemed like a nice way to bring the community together.
    12:26 pm: You meet with Caribnation because they’re awesome.
    12:43 pm: You realize you’re a part of every Multicultural organization on campus.
    1:36 pm: Try to connect to Northwestern’s wi-fi. In Hell, Northwestern’s wi-fi is actually slightly better than its wi-fi is in real life. Even Hell isn’t that fucking cruel.
    2:37 pm: Board of Trustees look astonished when they see so much “diversity” in the Norris center. They can’t stop staring.
    2:39 pm: Sitting in class, student makes a statement about you being “a bit overly sensitive about” the teddy bear and the noose incident.
    4:00 pm: Freshmen year roommate posts a Bill Cosby quote on Facebook that blames your mom for having 6 kids and working at Walmart to keep food on the table. It’s her fault, all her fault.
    5:30 pm: Go to Frontera Fresca to get hot chocolate because the Norbucks line Is too long. You realize a small hot chocolate is $5.00 and payday is next week.
    6:30 pm: Sorority Bid Night. In Hell, every night is Sorority Bid Night.
    7:30 pm: Let the meetings commence.
    8:00 pm: You attend an hour-long a cappella show. The members decide to rap because it’s cool. They drop the N word, everyone turns to look at you because you’re the “only one” in the audience. This show happens every night.
    9:10 pm: Accidentally hear students counting the number of black people on the Evanston loop, when you’re sitting right in front of him.
    9:25 pm: Walk into your dorm and get followed to your floor because they want to “make sure” you really live there.
    9:48 pm: Report this to your CA and they tell you that maybe you’re overthinking it.

    • Lil Reese January 3, 2014 at 8:17 pm #

      STOP.

  11. AP February 1, 2013 at 11:25 am #

    “2:00 pm: Race forum on Deering Field.”

    Uh something tells me no one on Sherman-Ave has ever even been to a multi-cultural event, let alone a race forum.

  12. Graduated February 1, 2013 at 4:00 pm #

    Pre-1st Midterm Off Campus Senior Schedule

    9:00 am: Wake up
    9:15 am: Get out of bed
    9:16 am: Check if there’s an exam this week
    9:17 am: Get back in bed
    1:30 pm: Get out of bed
    2:15 pm: Get dressed for class
    2:20 pm: Look outside, it’s snowing
    2:25 pm: Eat some leftovers
    3:00 pm: Study work from skipped classes
    5:00 pm: Break
    7:00 pm: Study some more
    8:30 pm: Call friends
    9:15 pm: Start drinking
    2:30 am: Stumble Home
    3:00 am: Sleep

    • hawtsauce February 4, 2013 at 2:13 pm #

      REAL.

  13. Christina February 21, 2013 at 10:49 pm #

    “Once inside, the playlist is exclusively Pitbull and Justin Bieber. ” Is this hell, or heaven?

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Post-Northwestern signing day sips, featuring Fitz, recruiting success, and Evanston whining – Keys At Kickoff – Northwestern Wildcats - February 7, 2013

    [...] missing living in Plex: This is from last week, but this breakdown of a day in hell for a Northwestern student is pretty great. Hey, while we’re way off base, I really loved this guide to visiting Chicago [...]

  2. New Offer from Sony BDP-S590 3D Blu-ray Disc Player, watch video demo inside - February 22, 2013

    [...] Source: http://sherman-ave.com/2013/01/31/an-average-day-in-a-northwestern-students-hell/ [...]

  3. Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: The Do’s and Don’ts of Being a Premed | Sherman Ave - May 3, 2013

    [...] do it. I have Thursday night labs this quarter and it is literally a sick, twisted manifestation of hell. If I had a dollar for every formal/crush party/date night/evening with Josh Radnor that I missed [...]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 576 other followers

%d bloggers like this: