Legend has it that if you put a thousand monkeys at a thousand typewriters, one of them would eventually write Shakespeare. But before they did that, they would type these song lyrics, as well as several E.E. Cummings poems and an episode of Adventure Time.
1. “I want to scream and shout and let it out. I want to scream and shout and let it out.” – Britney Spears and Will.i.am, “Scream and Shout”
If your ACT score exceeded your shoe size, you’re probably wondering: how did this song even happen? We here at the Ave have determined several plausible explanations:
a) Britney Spears’ maturity is aging backwards, Benjamin Button-style. Spears’ maturity level was thirty while she was as a child star, but it is now hitting its Terrible Twos. If you’ve ever babysat a toddler, you understand that nobody wants to scream and shout and let it out like a kid who’s just poked herself in the eye with a plastic triceratops. Just wait, The Brat The Brit’s next single will be in baby talk.
b) Not to be lyrically outdone by Will Smith’s kid, Britney let her sons, ages 6 and 7, write a song. They were strongly influenced by Samuel L. Jackson’s hit YouTube video, “Go The Fuck To Sleep,” which Britney plays for them nightly.
c) Britney Spears is actually a well-trained monkey in a skank suit with a typewriter and a stripper pole.
2. “I look up to the ceiling. I see the sun coming down.” – Flo Rida, “I Cry”
Aight dudes. Can you see the sun through your ceiling? And if you’re checking out the sunset, is your head facing up or west? And in the unlikely case that Flo Rida’s ceiling is glass and that he is actually watching the sun coming down, how is this possible?
Oh, fine. I guess if we’re six shots deep it doesn’t matter. Can we have Wild Ones back please?
3. “You put it down like New York City…wild like Los Angeles…hotter than Miami…whoa, it’s international love.” – Chris Brown and Pitbull, “International Love”
Complaint 1: If she loves you like NY, LA, and Miami, she’s got an All-American vagina. This is not an example of international anything. So don’t forget to bundle it up like a Chi-town January, ok?
Complaint 2: That’s not even mentioning Pitbull’s fantastic racism, demonstrated in lyrics such as “in Lebanon, the women are bomb,” “Down in D.R., they lookin for visas,” “In Brazil they freaky, wit big ol’ boobs,” and “In Romania, she pulled me to the side and told me, ‘Pit, you can have me and my sister.’” Pitbull, for your next rap, I request you tell us exactly how you’ve avoided getting punched in the pecker by offended ethnic chicks.
Complaint 3: Chris Brown the lady-puncher is on my radio. Pretty please get him the fuck off my radio.
4. “Tik tok on the clock.” – Ke$ha, “TiK ToK”
Either a brilliantly introspective reference to Mother Goose or lyrical diarrhea induced from eating too much glitter. Keeping in mind that she did not spell or punctuate the title correctly, please continue to tell me about Ke$ha’s near-perfect SAT score.
5. “Do I look stupid to you?” – Almost All-Purpose, “Stupid”
Of course you look stupid. Your lead singer’s dancing is reminiscent of a moose on tequila, your guitarist thinks that cucumbers and sparkly spandex constitute an acceptable performance outfit, and your drummer is a ginger. Dear God, somebody please stop these lunatics.