Number 6: Dan Persa’s Achilles
Despite giving us a truly wonderful twitter account to occasionally chuckle at, Dan Persa’s Achilles was public enemy number one for much of last year’s football season. It seemed completely determined to rob a defeated fanbase of happiness/the best player any of us had ever seen, and catching a glimpse of Persa walking around campus in a boot was reason enough to ruin any student’s day before fainting because holy shit you just saw Dan Persa.
Number 5: Everyone Who Plays for Vanderbilt
There were plenty of reasons for Northwestern students to hate Vanderbilt before they decided to club innocent baby seals as part of a failed pact with Satan. Vanderbilt is like NU’s cooler, older cousin that dabbles in bath salts and gets hotter girls. Sure he spent two years in prison for getting trashed and trying to hold up a Denny’s with a painted water pistol, but his parents are congressmen so he’ll get a great job at some high-powered law firm anyway.
Also, it’s a requirement of being a Northwestern student that, at least once a month, you walk out in the snow, or look on facebook at how much fun your Vandy friends are having, (every Northwestern student has ‘Vandy friends’), or wake up next to an average looking one-night stand and think to yourself: “Fuck. I should’ve gone to Vandy.”
But then you think about the baby seals those heartless, god-forsaken Satan-worshippers clubbed to death and you feel enough burning self-righteousness to get you out of bed and on your way to your class in Fisk.
Number 4: The Maryland Lacrosse Team
Approximately nine people arrived at Northwestern knowing that lacrosse was a sport, and of those nine, only 4 had ever witnessed a game. Regardless, upon learning that the Wildcats were actually good at the sport, every NU student suddenly transformed into someone that casually cared about lacrosse sometimes if we were winning. The Cats won a lot, capturing seven titles in eight years (I think. I only casually follow lacrosse sometimes. depends on if we’re winning). WHICH BRINGS US TO THAT ONE YEAR.
Yes, the Maryland lacrosse team prevented us from winning eight straight championships, which not only would have rhymed, but would also be two short of ten in a row which is a fun, round number. When hearing about the loss to said dirty, land-based reptiles(?), many students reported feeling “slight disappointment” before going back to whatever they were doing.
Number 3: Meyers Leonard
Like most people, it took me somewhere between 2-4 weeks to realize that Meyers’ first name was, in fact, not his last name. For those of you who still haven’t accepted this (apparent) fact, I’m referring to Leonard Meyers. That being said, it took me somewhere between 2-4 seconds to realize that he was a raging douche.
For starters, look at a picture of Leonard’s (Meyers’?) face. HOW PUNCHABLE IS THAT FACE. Very punchable. It practically screams to be hit in the face with a frying pan and then pissed on. When Leonard (Meyers?) wasn’t shredding NU’s “frontcourt” (somewhere, Luka Mirkovic shakes his head furiously), he was drawing the ire of NU students by throwing basketball’s at referees’ faces and generally being kind of a dick. Fear not! Our good friend Meyers (Leonard?) was punished for his sins by being forced to play for the Portland Trailblazers. You’ve never heard of the Portland Trailblazers? I mean, yeah.
Number 2: Roy Roundtree
There was a time in all of our lives when, like most of the nation, we had no idea that Roy Roundtree existed. Those were happier times, when words like “Rose” and “Bowl” were used in the same sentence and you didn’t need seven vodka shots to get you through your 9 a.m. without crying. What do you mean you’ve never had to take seven vodka shots to get through your 9 a.m. without crying? Well sorrrryyy I thought I was talking to Northwestern students. What? You go to Northwestern? Well sorry for being having a healthy amount of passion for our athletic programs.
Roundtree, of course, was the man chosen by God to be on the receiving end of the Michigan Hail Mary, which, according to sources with knowledge of the situation, resulted in the instantaneous death of our hopes, dreams, and aspirations. And it was just kind of a dick move on his part.
Number 1: Stefan Demos