Dear Capital One Bowl,
Well hey there. We’re Northwestern. Never heard of us before? That’s okay, we’re pretty new to the “relevant” part of college football town.
We heard you were thinking about asking us to come to your bowl game. As a school that doesn’t ever get invited to The Dance, that really meant a lot to us. We know you have a lot on your mind, but we thought we might just stop by with a few things to think about when you’re making your decision.
First, remember the last time we went to the Capital One Bowl? That time we brought 21,000 fans and it was really fun and sexi and no one remembers what happened in the game because that’s irrelevant? Well that was before we decided to give our athletic department a budget! If we brought three times our undergraduate enrollment down to Orlando before we became Chicago’s Big Ten Team, just think what we could do now that all of Chicago is contractually obligated to root for us. AT LEAST 21,500 fans, easy.
You think we’ll have trouble getting fans from our alumni bases all over the country to make the trek down to Suntown? Um. Harry Potter World is in Orlando. And if there’s one thing I know about Northwestern students, it’s that we all treat Harry Potter as an opportunity to be competitive about our fanhoods in the most cut-throat way possible. If NU football is playing in Orlando, every Northwestern student with a Pottermore account (read: all Northwestern students) will be making the journey to the holy land.
Second, our fans will spend money. A lot of money. I’m not saying that Nebraska and Michigan fans won’t dole out the Ke$has at your stadium as well, I’m just saying that Kellogg exists. And there is nothing that Kellogg grads love more than talking about how they went to Northwestern, and dropping Benjamins like it ain’t nothing but a thing.
Third, we’ll be ratings gold. Viewers from all over the nation will tune in to find out who the hell “Northwestern” is and whether we’re that school in Boston. They’ll see the purple, be confused, and continue watching to see if there is an explanation for why this team is wearing that color. Is it for some sort of cancer awareness? We mixed our reds and our blues in the overpriced Allison Hall washing machines? Must see tee vee!
Finally, you don’t want to invite Nebraska or Michigan. Nothing against those schools, but no. You just had Nebraska over last year, and as a school that hosted the Huskers this year, we can say that once every two years is MORE than enough of the children of the corn. And Michigan? Besides the possibility of a rematch of that Michigan-Alabama THRILLER from earlier this year, you’ll also want to avoid the Wolverines because with Notre Dame’s success they are absolutely certain to be intolerable. Honestly, if you can get three minutes into a conversation with a Michigan fan without them mentioning that they have a lot of wins compared to everyone else or something, you deserve a degree in Conversation Steering. Not like, from a prestigious university though. Maybe from the University of Michigan?
As you can see, we really are your best bet come Jan. 1. And I don’t mean to put any pressure on you, but if you don’t pick us we will unleash a pack of awkward engineers on you. You have one hour.