Congratulations on getting into Northwestern! You must have been quite successful in your endeavors to get this far. Now get ready to fuck up.
You probably aren’t used to making mistakes (Lil Miss Perfect McFuckface in my PoliSci discussion, this is absolutely directed at you), but NU has a way of changing that. Never to fear, the Hein Train is here with your handy guide to mistakes you will make during your time at Northwestern:
1. 9am Tuesday or Friday Discussion Sections
I know what you were thinking: “9am?! I woke up at 3am for high school so that I could walk both ways through 8 feet of snow in 98° heat to get to Math Team practice twelve days each week! 9am will be a breeze!” Now I don’t want to be harsh, but thinking that makes you a fucking idiot. 9am discussion sections will tear down your soul, rip out your heart, vanquish your will to live, and mildly inconvenience you.
You will be hungover. You will not have done the reading. You will be wildly sleep-deprived from a ragetastic pregame the night before. You will probably still be juuuust drunk enough to say things like, “Anna Karenina’s just such a stupid name. I can’t take this book srlsy.” So, just don’t do it, promise? OK, everybody take some rubbers.
2. Hooking up in Tech
Is Tech a private location? Is it the residence of one of the people in the hook up? Are there locking doors? NO. THE ANSWER TO ALL OF THOSE IS NO. So don’t hook up in Tech. I know it’s on the way back down south from the fraternity quadrangle, but I think we should all aim for higher standards in our hookup locations than mere existence.
3. Making a pass at your TA
Now, to be fair, this is not always a mistake; I can think of at least one and a half successful TA-student relationships in my time at Northwestern. The other 99% of passes made at TA’s, however, end in shame, regret, a significant violation of the NU student handbook and a whole litany of Illinois state penal code infractions. Yes, Northwestern is home to a few exceptionally attractive TA’s. Who can resist the sultry tone of a history grad student explaining the essay prompt? Or the sensual touch of an econ TA’s chalk rubbing along the smooth board? Or the overtly sexual sound of your Spanish TA speaking softly en el accento castellano? But you must resist. Because it’ll probably be really awkward when you don’t resist and then they say “hellz to the no” and then you still have to turn up to class and then they give you a grade and it’s not the grade you want so you accuse them of giving you a lower grade because you whipped out your Schapiro after discussion section. And no one wants that.
4. Getting the frat name wrong
Learn your Greek alphabet now. When you’re stumbling around north campus at 1am just looking for some free shooters, you won’t want to be heard yelling “Let’s head over to Chi Alpha!” Fratstars have a pretty clear standard about you knowing what their name is.
5. Hot Cookie Bar, every day
You’ve heard of the Freshman 15? Get ready for the Freshman 240. See, hot cookie bar is a scrumptious dessert offered at a wide variety of campus residence halls in which tray after tray of soft, fresh-out-of-the-oven cookies are laid out for the foolish freshman to binge on. And yes, here at The Ave we love a good binge, but the key is to binge in moderation. DUH. So don’t slather those gooey cookies all over your face every time they’re put in front of you. You’ll end up puking everywhere. Speaking of which…
We don’t mean wildly spraying urine all over in one isolated incident. We’re talking about consistently and deliberately peeing in non-bathroom locales all over campus. You may be tempted by the undeniable “cool factor” of taking a whiz on Annenberg, and we cannot deny the awesomeness of a late night leak off the roof of Swift, but there comes a time where standards must be met. You don’t shit where you eat (probably), so don’t piss where you, like, do everything. You can make it home from that awesome apartment party without pissing all over Willard. I know you can. Even you, Packingham.
8. Stumbling into the wrong dorm room
But they all look the same and guys I’m soooo drunking fuck right now!! Oh my god, I meant drunking fuck! Shit. I can’t talk. Am I on the right floor? Am I on a floor? Wait, yes I am. I’m lying on a floor. Shit, this is the hall. Oh fuck what if my CA sees me! Ok, just keep moving… Here it is! My dorm room! Fuck. No. That’s the bathroom. Wait, this is good cause I have to puke. No, I’ll wait till I’m in my room to puke like a good boy. Ok, so where is my room? Am I in Elder? Why am I in Elder?! No, this must be Hinman. This room is totally mine- 213! My room has a 3 in the number, this is it! WHO THE HELL ARE THESE PEOPLE IN MY ROOM. Oh goddd, this isn’t my room. Oh, here comes the puke. Yep, there it is. Got it all in their laundry basket. That’s a good place for it. Ok, well I’ll be seeing you nice people later. Have a good night, use a condom. (This entry guest written by the same real live Drunk Person who explained Dillo Day to you.)
9. Getting locked out of your room
JUST TAKE YOUR KEYS WITH YOU. EVERYWHERE. EVEN IF YOUR ROOMMATE IS HOME. EVEN IF YOU’RE JUST GOING TO THE BATHROOM FOR A SECOND. EVEN IF YOU AND YOUR ROOMIE HAVE NEVER ONCE LOCKED THE DOOR CAUSE LOCKED DOORS ARE FOR THE LOSERS. JUST DO IT.
10. Night Class
“This will totally free up my day!” you’ll say to yourself at the beginning of the quarter. “Wow, I literally only used that free time to sleep, watch Hulu and masturbate!” you’ll say to yourself at the end of the quarter. See, you can use nighttime to drink. You cannot* use daytime to drink when you have a class afterwards, so it’s foolish to waste time waiting to drink.
*Yes you can.