Why Lost Sucks

18 Jun

(Disclaimer: I speak as a former ferocious Lost fan. I scrutinized every episode, followed every backstory and knew every subplot. I was one of those fuckers that posted on Lostpedia).

Wait, this ISN’T an open audition for Survivor Season 27?

There are two types of people in this world: those who watched Lost and those who didn’t. If you are a part of the former group, then from the years 2004-2009 you led a life of blissful ignorance, un-perturbed by the nonsensical words of John Locke and the heavy breathing of Matthew Fox. If you are a member of the latter group, then my condolences. You most likely spent the better part of 6 years trying to understand that crazy island. But all that it amounted to was many hours spent watching unshaven, un-showered (yet improbably attractive) castaways as they tracked boars, fiddled with radios, killed “Others,” got locked in cages, and had dirty jungle sex. It was all a waste. Because in the end, Lost made NO. FUCKING. SENSE.

Let me break it down for you.

1. The Smoke Monster
Seriously, FUCK THE WHAT. The thing made sounds like Jurassic Park mixed with violent parrot sex. It… killed people? It was John Locke? It wasn’t actually John Locke? It was the Man in Black? MAN IN BLACK WHY U NO WILL SMITH?

Actually, it’s a storytelling device that kills off characters after the actors get DUIs. (Sorry, Mr. Eko. That shit sux.)

2. WHO. ARE. THE. OTHERS?
Attention to the writers of Lost: if you introduce a cool-ass new premise, follow up on it. There’s another group of people on the island who have been there doing shit since the 1950s? Hey, that’s cool! You know what would have been even cooler? IF YOU HAD EXPLAINED WHAT THE OTHERS WERE DOING THERE, OR HOW THEY GOT THERE, OR WHAT THE FUCK THE POINT OF THEM EVEN WAS.

3. The Scalp of John Locke
In Locke’s flashbacks, he boasts a head of luscious brown locks. But on the island, he is as bald as the day is long. I’ve sat down and done the math (don’t you judge). Those flashbacks weren’t that long before the crash. The poor bastard went from Farrah Fawcett to Mr. Clean faster than he could say 4,8,15,16,23,42. It makes no sense.

Which brings me to my next point…

4. THE NUMBERS
I just…I don’t…I can’t…why. I mean, I can’t even put my confusion into an eloquent paragraph. Why those numbers? Why in that order? What do they mean? Where did they come from? Why not a different sequence? Why not 69 69 69 69 69 69?

5. Sawyer 2.0: The genteel hero
This isn’t a mystery. I’m just upset about the hottest badass on television turning into Mr. Rogers. In the beginning, Sawyer was all “son of a bitch. No one understands me, I’m tortured, I’m smoldering.” But then motherfucker fell in love with Juliet, and he turned into a softie. No more angry stares, no more sexist remarks, no more racist nicknames, no more klepto tendencies. Instead, Sawyer becomes the gang’s hero, their fearless leader (read: an annoying little bitch). Didn’t we already have Jack for that?

6. That Dude Richard
You know, that guy who wears eyeliner and doesn’t age. I don’t know what the deal with that is. I think it’s just one of those things that you have to accept. Like how it’s possible for Santa to travel all around the world in one night. Or why higher education is so ungodly expensive. Or why Chet Haze exists.

7. None of this matters anyway because the characters were in purgatory all along
Wow, seriously? Great. Awesome. The show ends and nothing is answered. The island was actually a weird, alternate-sideways-purgatory universe. COOL.

YOLO

I think the writers thought that they had come up with an elegant solution. They got to evoke faith and come up with neat resolutions for all of the characters (THEY’RE DEAD). They also waived their obligation to answer any of the mysteries. YOU CAN’T PULL ONE OVER ME, CARLTON CUSE AND DAMON LINDELOF! I SEE RIGHT THROUGH YOUR SHITTY-ASS COP OUT ENDING.

Anyone can write a show, book, or movie that is full of mysteries. It’s explaining the mysteries in a sensible and logical way that takes talent. Lost writers, you fail.

Whatevs, I’m over it. Fringe, anyone?

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7 Responses to “Why Lost Sucks”

  1. lostfan July 18, 2012 at 10:51 pm #

    So basically, to sum up your argument, you’re pissed that LOST didn’t give you all the answers? That you had to think a little bit and connect some dots on your own? Ok, so the smoke monsters wasn’t explained in extreme detail – that wasn’t needed anyway. Would an explanation for the monster have helped character development or the relationships or how everyone came into contact with each other, which is what LOST was really about? Nope. You’re whole argument is flawed because it is based on small details that don’t affect LOST overall meaning at all (maybe you’re last one, #7, but I don’t believe that were in purgatory…the ending is up for debate.) And really? A actual bullet point is “John Locke’s Scalp?” He is crippled before coming to the island and then mysteriously is not when he gets there. After that, the head of hair really doesn’t seem that weird. So yeah, I don’t think the LOST writers fail. They provided great a great plot, driven by characters that I grew to love.

    • Shirette October 14, 2012 at 10:23 pm #

      I agree with you, sounds like this person didn’t get it. The smoke monster was the man in black who was damned to be the smoke monster after his brother Jacob threw him in the lake and he went down the hill to the bright light, then he became the smoke monster. Then he had to take over john locke’s dead body to be able to finally leave the island. So that was explained. Don’t get mad because you didn’t get the show, the ending was good. Lost was innovative and the best show ever made.

      • Shirette October 14, 2012 at 10:26 pm #

        Also, to the original poster: they were not in purgatory. But know this, Purgatory does matter.

  2. Teleholic September 7, 2012 at 7:52 pm #

    Only season 6 was purgatory, seasons 1-5 were real. I do agree that it went to shit and I was a hardcore fan (I only ever read Lostpedia, never contributed). It really pisses me off that it didn’t amount to anything and they can’t say time was an issue given that half of season 6 was slow empty dialogue that served no purpose to the show and only served purpose to writers who knew they had to end the show.

  3. Kev October 22, 2012 at 5:30 am #

    Just because the author didn’t understand some points doesn’t mean his whole list is bad, and just because there’s an in-show explanation for things doesn’t mean they’re good or make sense. So, no, you’re not summing up anyone’s argument, lostfan.

    Lost went downhill after season 2. The ending especially sucked. It was all about the characters, you say? Yeah, character backstory passed the time, but it was all about the mystery. That’s why the soap-opera style storytelling of Lost worked. Maybe if the characters were more involved with the mysteries, but no, they were pawns of a smoke-monster-man, and worse, pawns of fate/the island, which doesn’t seem to understand character development. The show makes good use of symbolism by showing us that the characters are nothing more than numbers on a wall, which is how they’re treated. But for me they butchered some characters. Jinn and Sun leave their child parentless because they love each other? Wouldn’t the child be a symbol of their love and more important? Sayid, who barely escapes the arab-terrorist stereotype, dies by blowing himself up, essentially suicide bombing? Nice.

    You could tell they were rushing for time (thanks to bad writing, bad planning) near the end when they tell Richard’s story and Jacob’s story. Now, you could only have a fifth of the mysteries on Lost and still tell a good story. But instead of using long-term mysteries (overall plot) and hinting at them slowly, we get unanswered questions, and big mysteries with some hints but then the hints don’t really matter because they either tell you all at once or the answer is completely different.

  4. Alex November 28, 2012 at 1:57 am #

    I don’t understand any of these folks who say things like it’s a spiritual journey, emotional, thought provoking, inspiring, blah blah. Here is the deal. Every one of us that begins watching a show decide from the beginning if this is something we would like to watch. Most of us got into lost because we thought it was a mystery, which it was not. The makers of the show, long ago, said “This would not be the afterlife, or purgatory, it will all be wrapped up and explained, you may not get all the answers but you’ll get some.” Well…. that was an outright lie and many of us fell for it. The best way to sum up lost is the following. It was a great marketing gimmick to get ratings…and it worked. We all fell for it and my hat is off to them for keeping us on the hook for six seasons, but whoever is reading this, please understands, the show is a huge ploy to keep you interested, in nothing. There is no explanation for anything . If the creators would have been honest with the public about the show from the beginning, then it would be different, but it is the biggest joke on the American & the world public who watched this series. It was a gigantic marketing ploy for ratings, and again, they hooked many of us. In simplest terms, let’s say I begin by writing a show about a bunch of folks and then one of them can fly, and then a bird begins talking to another character, and then a beautiful girl walks from behind a large crocodile, but did she really? And then, we go back in time to the future, but did we really? And then I pull the slot machine and bunny rabbits made of gold come out singing…but in what language and are we meant to understand it? See folks, that’s all Lost was about. A bunch of made up crap that never had any explanation but was marketed to give the viewer a mystery and adventure story, but it really wasn’t …or was it? To those of you who give it five stars….good for you…do much peyote lately…or maybe you didn’t. All of you fucking idiots that say that the author of this blog didn’t get it…well…you are all a bunch of fucking idiots…sorry. Let’s be real…the show was a plot to get ratings. Everyone watched lost for the mystery aspect of it…and to see some resolution to the mystery. Since the writers sucked the massive donkey dick, they couldn’t wrap it up…and all you ignorant, stupid, fucking idiots fell for it. The author of this blog is absolutely right about everything. You are all just too stupid and ignorant (problably democrats) to see it. Why don’t you take a puff of the black smoke and consider that you are all truly a bunch of ignorant human beings. Seriously it could happen, or maybe not.

  5. st March 26, 2013 at 6:19 pm #

    LostFan, the writers don’t suck because we had to connect some of the dots. They suck because we had to connect ALL of them. There was never any payoff. I agree. These writers painted themselves in a corner, and the shitty ending was their way of dealing with it.

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