How to Eat Like A Cannibal: Thoughts On The Impending Zombiepocalypse and Facial Seasonings

31 May

In case you’re wondering, there’s a cannibal in Miami. Quick summary: DUDE ATE SOMEONE’S FACE OFF.

This zombie sure had a lot of… DEADication!

Slower summary: The man — later identified as Rudy Eugene — was caught lunching in the nude on the nose, eyes, and other facial features of the homeless Ronald Poppo, whose pants he had also removed, indicating that he was probably intending to eat more than just the face. However, law enforcement was notified before he’d nommed on Big Poppo’s sausage, and politely asked him to stop. Eugene growled at them and continued ripping the man’s face to shreds. Determined to continue his dining experience, Eugene was unfazed by the first bullet which the Miami po-po had inserted into his body, and continued consuming the face of his counterpart until they had added more.

Fuck this shit about Eugene being high on bath salts. The police just don’t want to come to terms with the facts: the zombie apocalypse has begun.

Here’s the logic. For one, he was eating the guy’s face off. Cannibals would go for the meatier parts, like thighs and arms and literally any part of the body that had more muscle than the face.* Zombies go for the face because they instinctively know, like ancient Egyptians and nose-pickers everywhere, there are brains if they just dig deep enough. Two: it took multiple bullets to stop him. I mean, duh: he was already dead. Police aren’t telling us that the second shot was a lucky one to the skull, which, as everyone knows, is the only way to kill a zombie. Three: has anyone spoken to the victim lately? No. So we’d better be prepared for the moment when the zombie virus takes hold and he chomps off the hand of the surgeon trying to put his lips back on.

Mayor Tisdahl’s really let herself go recently…

In preparation for the imminent apocalypse, I, Eleanor Kinkervoss, have stolen my bandmate’s copy of the Zombie Survival Guide and begun assembling my culinary wiles, in case the time comes when I must surrender my life and afterlife to actually be undead. If I’m gonna be craving human nomz, I’m going to use my mad cooking skills to be a fucking gourmet about it.

So fellow culinary whiz Professor Vandernips and I have teamed up to inform you of the best ways you can eat a face.

Honey Butter and Cinnamon
Take it from Ellie K as a kid: mixing up equal parts honey and butter tastes delicious when you slam it on toast. Make sure you spread from forehead to chin: nostrils are just as easily butter-plugged as toast holes.

Marinated in Oil for Three Days
= pizza! The pores of your victim will gradually clog, causing the condition known to sentient-ish preteens worldwide as “pizza face.” The longer you marinate it, the cheesier it’ll be. Add some pepperoni if you’re feeling crazy– the red sauce is already provided!

BBQ Flavor
Most people like brisket, some people like pulled pork! Why not settle for a dry rub (not the kind you’re thinking of) and then make a quick BBQ sauce. Bobby Flay, the mighty grill douche from the Food Network probably has some great recipes, but who can complain about a quick KC Masterpiece?

A Cuban
In the spirit of Miami, why not substitute human flesh for the meat in your cuban panino (IT’S SINGULAR ITALIAN, I’M FUCKING PRETENTIOUS, OK?), and slap on that mustard and bread & butter pickle. Everybody likes sammiches, and your ham was just as pale and pink as your victim’s cheeks,** right?

Curried
Half of Northwestern is pretentious enough to say on a regular basis that “That restaurant’s korma just wasn’t as good as the stuff we had on our spring break,” so if you’re feeling the spices, make a tasty thai or indian flavored stew out of the guy and eat it with some hot naan or pita. He doesn’t even have to be Thai or Indian-flavored to begin with (like Costco preseasoned meats) – we support color-blind cannibalism here at the Ave. C’mon, guys, race is only skin deep.

Remember to practice fire safety!

Rotisserie-style
Get heinous and heathen, and make it a tribal ritual if you’d like. Invite some people over and have at it in a regular ol’ Luau-style bonfire. Wanna get fancy? Pop an apple in his mouth!

Plain!
Like zombie vegans. If you’re concerned about the welfare of all living creatures, you don’t even have to hurt the cheese bacteria to have a delicious meal – just tear right in and enjoy.***

Best of luck, fellow wildcats. If you need us, we’ll be on the top floor of Swift, having destroyed the staircases and stocked up on seasonings. The Professor says he’s bringing the grill.

-Eleanor Kinkervoss and Professor J. Reginald Vandernips

——————————————————————————————————————————
*Don’t you give me none of that tongue-is-the-strongest-muscle shit.
**Since a butt cheek joke is imminent and we’re discussing ridiculous things, we’d like to inform you of some shark that has allegedly developed a taste for human asscheeks thanks to some douchemuffin divers and their unfortunately placed fanny packs.
***Well, maybe some salt and pepper…

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