A Freshman Guide to Not Getting Mugged

28 May

Graphical representation of what the perpetrators probably look like.

So no one told you college was gonna be this way.[1] Your job is, indeed, a joke (who actually studies?! DRINK THE LIQUORZ FER DAYZZZ #YOLO). Your love life, unless you’re a swarthy AEPi brother, is definitely dead on arrival. Northwestern is most certainly not broke (Our endowment is bigger than that time Twattingworth met the Beatles and Jesus and then YOLO’d all over them),[2] but you, hypothetical-and-almost-certainly-not-reading-this reader, are about to be BROKE ASS POOR, because Northwestern is rife with bands of roving armed militiasprobably unarmed youths who will demand your wallet, your Andy’s Custard giftcard, your iPhone, or YOUR LIFE.

But really, Northwestern students have increasingly become the target of muggings and robberies in and around campus this academic year. The perps are interested in your electronic gizmos, the contents of your wallet, your dignity, and, most of all, in perpetuating horribly RAYCESS stereotypes. Scary, right?

This email did surprisingly little to alleviate my Dillo-induced hangover.

But just when we thought there was no hope of fighting off these highwaymen, just when we had given up all hope of ever buying peach Andre again, one brave young man stood firm and showed us that WE. CAN. RESIST. With a few simple words, we, students of Northwestern, can defeat these evildoers. That’s right: “I don’t think that’s a good idea” will be embroidered on graduation gowns from now on (Morty’s getting a tattoo of it on his left inner thigh as we speak because—do I even need to say it?—Yolo). Never mind that this young hero happened to be outside the University police station as the would-be criminals threatened him. The fight against evil can manifest itself anywhere, so we must be prepared to meet it anywhere. As a prominent, obese, and possibly transsexual alcoholic once said, “We shall fight on the lakefill, we shall fight in the tunnel system underneath the observatory, we shall fight at the Rock and that stupid Arch and the very foolishly located Norris Center, we shall fight-“ you get the picture. #MURRICA

Anywho, here are some tips for holding onto that iPhone 4S long enough until you ditch it for an iPhone 4Z in 6 months.[3]

1. Stay in Populated, Well Lit Areas.
What’s that? You got mugged on Noyes at 2 in the afternoon? Nevermind.

2. Avoid People.
Books won’t rob you. Precious, precious books. They’ll love you forever. Live in the library and be free of the cares of the world.

3. Pretend You Don’t Go to Northwestern
Errbody knows that all of these muggings are actually an elaborate plot by Mayor Tisdahl to force NU to close. The 2011-2012 academic year crime-palooza-thon is just stage 2 of her nefarious plot. What was stage 1? Why, shutting down The Keg of Evanston, of course. But what has never had any class or dignity (and that also plays host to the most awkward and phobia-inducing makeout seshs this side of my  bedroom)[4] cannot be destroyed by the pretentiousness of a crazy cat lady in charge of a North Chicago suburb, so TKOE remains. Enjoy it, ETHS kids.

4. Don’t Carry Anything Valuable
Except then you get pistol-whipped, like that one dude a few months ago. Wounds heal, but iPhones are forever.

Thank God the Segway cops have our back.

5. Prepare a Catch Phrase
You’re not Adam West’s Batman (nor do you have the chiseled I-could-cut-glass-on-these-puppies nipples of George Clooney’s Batman, which most certainly assist in crime fighting), so don’t expect to have a clever retort for each line of dialogue when that thug demands your wallet. But, as was proved recently, you can talk your way out of a mugging if you’re smart enough. Some especially not creative examples for your careful consideration:

“Crime doesn’t pay, and I spent my last dollar at BK at 4:30am last night so COME AT ME BRO”

“These aren’t the Droid RAZRs you’re looking for.”

“Hey, be nice to me, I gave blood today” (only works if you gave blood that day or are particularly pasty looking, which is most of us anyway)

“You know the panhandlers outside of Buff Joe’s make like, twelve times your salary, right?”

“YOLOFUCKSAWMORTYOTPHJ@THEKEG420GENDERNEUTRALBATHROOMSDILLODAYZOMG” (Like making yourself bigger to scare off a mountain lion, sometimes being fucking CRAY will make mothafuckas not wanna find and mug you)

“If you let me go, I’ll attend Kellogg and then hire you in like a decade.”

“Dude. Really. Come on.”

Congratulations! You’re now fully equipped to deal with the criminals of Evanston! Except the panhandlers outside of Buff Joe’s. Those guys are the real criminals.


[1] The author originally crafted this article with incoming freshmen in mind, but since everyone and their pledge husbands are getting robbed, so yeah…

[2] I know I wrote the lyrics to the Friends theme song out of order. It was intentional. I never even watched that show much. My parents thought it was too sexual.

[3] In the event that you are robbed of your Blackberry, be sure to thank the offender. He’s doing you a favor.

[4] JK, I can’t pretend I’ve managed even that. WOMP WOMP.

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One Response to “A Freshman Guide to Not Getting Mugged”

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  1. Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Bicycles at NU « Sherman Ave - August 14, 2012

    [...] Bicycles are valuable assets. And in Evanston, valuable assets usually get taken from you at gunpoint. Bicycles thieves LOVE Northwestern, because many NU kids come from neighborhoods where you can [...]

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