President Obama supports gay marriage, and other obvious things

9 May

In an interview with ABC’s Robin Roberts this afternoon, President Barack Obama announced for the first time his public support for same-sex marriage. In other news: the sky is fucking blue, the Cubs are in last place and the Octomom is doing porn.

I mean, I get it. This is the first time a sitting President has come out in favor of not being a discriminatory poopyface. And I’m thrilled. This is a huge step for marriage equality in America and reminds us of the reason so many young people stopped watching pre-Octomom porn, got off their asses and voted for the man in 2008.

Obama’s position on gay marriage up until today.

But literally this is no surprise. He’s been “evolving” and “grappling” and “nakedly wrestling in a pool of Jello” with the issue for years, and I think we all know what that means. People generally don’t experiment with marriage equality then decide to come back to hetero-only ways. Once they’ve seen more fabulous pastures, no amount of praying or therapy is going to bring them back.

Now, there’s likely going to be considerable controversy and debate and discussion and BLAH FUCKING BLAH about this in the coming weeks. Which is stupid because B-Sizzle has honestly been going “Uh, I’m not sure on the gays getting all married. Seems like the kind of thing I’d support, because of logic and all, but maybe not. I guess we’ll all just have to wait and see, WINKEDY WINK WINK” since he was inaugurated. This isn’t really news. I mean it kind of is because of history but mainly it isn’t because of obvious.

You know what is closer to being news? The Log Cabin Republicans, a group of GOPers who favor gay rights and same-sex marriage and hate crime legislation and banning discrimination and seem to be unaware that there’s already a party with that platform, blasted Obreezy for his announcement. They called it “callous and offensive.” Which is actually what most people in favor of marriage equality call the existence of Rick Santorum.

We assume this is what the Log Cabin Republicans look like.

But I say “closer to being news” because even this isn’t news. I know it may seem newsworthy that a pro-gay rights group criticized the President for supporting their agenda, but it’s not. Because their name is four words long and the last one is “Republicans.” Which means they’re required by law to reflexively criticize everything Barry does (see: Osama-bin-Laden-killing, Libya-genocide-preventing). So even this isn’t news. KAYGR8.

Now, if these things are getting press coverage, then I want to formally request the media be present for all obvious events in my life. Passed out on the bus to a crush party? DIANE SAWYER BEST BE REPORTING LIVE. Couldn’t connect to the wireless at registration time? I WANT A TRIBUNE EXPOSE. Ate seven pieces of shitty pizza after I promised I’d only have one and then didn’t go to SPAC because I was still full from all the shitty pizza? WHERE THE FRICK IS RYAN SEACREST? Cried myself to sleep again? DON’T CARE IF IT’S EMBARRBARR I JUST WANT HUFFPO TO LINK TO A STORY ABOUT IT.

In summary, it’s great that B-Rock came out in support of letting all the gays get divorced too, but it’s not exactly on the same scale as if Mitt Romney ever doesn’t have an awkward interaction with one of the poors. This was expected. It was obvious. It was necessary but unsurprising. It was basically the Norris Food Court (or Willie’s as the cool kids call it) of political announcements. And it’s made me soooo in loooove with him again.

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