If The Name of Every Kentucky Derby Horse Was A Sexual Maneuver

4 May

Surprisingly, only one of these involves sexual intercourse with a horse.

With the Kentucky Derby little more than a day away, Ross Packingham and Parrty Cat sat down to combine their three greatest passions in life: gambling, horses, and sex.

Optimizer – A woman uses a vibrating Transformer to provide herself with sexual stimulation.

Take Charge Indy – A woman engages in sexual intercourse with Ron Artest and Peyton Manning simultaneously.

Union Rags – A man ejaculates into a pile of rags, and proceeds to throw the rags at people participating in a labor strike.

Rousing Sermon – Two people engage in sexual intercourse while the man reads excerpts from Jonathan Edwards’ “Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God.”

Dullahan – Named after the sexual stylings of the famous Irish general Sean Dullahan, this move consists of a threesome involving Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance.

Creative Cause – Two people find a very creative reason to engage in sexual intercourse, such as Maundy Thursday or the anniversary of John F. Kennedy Jr.’s death.

Trinniberg – A woman engages in sexual intercourse with Trinniberg, a racehorse.

Daddy Nose Best – A father sexually stimulates his daughter and her friends using only his nose.

Bodemeister – Two people engage in sexual intercourse in the presence of Olympic athlete Bode Miller in a pool of Jaegermeister.

Alpha – A man gathers a group of 24 Greek women, and engages in sexual intercourse with the one whose name is first alphabetically.

Daddy Long Legs – Someone beat us to the punch.

Prospective – Popular on college campuses, this maneuver consists of a college student engaging in sexual intercourse with a high school junior or senior visiting said college.

Went the Day Well – Any series of sexual acts that begins at sunrise and continues through nightfall without pause.

Hanson – Two people engage in sexual intercourse while listening to “Mmm Bop” on loop.

Gemologist – A man engages in sexual intercourse with a woman, then proceeds to study the science of natural and artificial gems and gemstones.

El Padrino – Spanish for “The Sponsor,” this maneuver consists of intercourse sponsored by a large institution, like Chuck E. Cheese or ASPCA.

Bonus points if you hit the hat.

Done Talking – In this maneuver, the woman stops talking; this is one of the most difficult sexual maneuvers to achieve successfully.

Sabercat – A female gets gangbanged by the entire San Jose Sabercats arena football team.

I’ll Have Another – This one should be relatively self-explanatory.

Liaison – Two men communicate with one another by ejaculating messages onto a woman’s chest and sending her back and forth to convey the messages.

My Adonis – A man goes into a kid’s maze full of mirrors and masturbates for as long as possible before getting arrested.

-Ross Packingham and Parrty Cat

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3 Responses to “If The Name of Every Kentucky Derby Horse Was A Sexual Maneuver”

  1. famil law May 11, 2013 at 9:30 am #

    What a material of un-ambiguity and preserveness of valuable experience on
    the topic of unexpected feelings.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. The Kentucky Derby Trip is Decadent and Depraved | Sherman Ave - May 2, 2013

    [...] He laughed. “Well goddam! I thought you meant a real publication. What are you to do, write lists about if each horse’s name was a sexual maneuver?” [...]

  2. If The Name Of Every Kentucky Derby Horse Was A Sexual Maneuver: 2013 Edition | Sherman Ave - May 4, 2013

    [...] year, we received nearly ZERO death threats after turning every Kentucky Derby horse’s name into a sexual maneuver. Based on that success, we decided to try it again! We proudly ashamedly present the 2013 edition [...]

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