A Beginner’s Guide to Ruining Facebook

1 May

For most people, http://www.facebook.com is a happy place. It’s a calm place. A place where they’re in control. Let’s change that. By ruining Facebook. Here’s how:

Let's burn this motherfucker down.

1. Report Things
Do you realize how easy it is to report things on The Book? You can just click the little X in the upper right-hand corner of a post and easily mark it as spam or—EVEN BETTER!— send an automated message to the poster saying that you don’t like it. It’s a fucking blast. This is especially useful if your friends are all heinouses and thus everything they post is heinous. Just report it. Report it all. Fill their inbox with enough messages that say you found their posts objectionable to make them feel the pain you felt when you were forced to bear witness to their awfulness and testimonials regarding your mother’s sexual transgressions. But one warning: This one time my friend did this too much and Facebook apparently automatically removed the friend he was reporting. So only do this if, like most people, you have no interest in maintaining any friendships. And honestly, that applies to this whole list.

2. Like an Entire Wall-to-Wall
Friendship pages. Learn them. Love them. Go to you and your friend’s friendship page and click on “Wall Posts.” Then go ahead and just like all the posts. Every single one. If you’re a normal, rational human being, then this should theoretically not take very long and is a pretty quick way to ruin Facebook. If you’re like me and Ross Packingham, it can take 90 minutes to get through two months of shit. If this describes you, plz reconsider your life choices and seek a lot of therapy.

3. Find Attrotro Pics of People
You know what people love? People love when you find terrible photos of them and put said photos on their wall for all of the webiverse to see. Especially pictures of them posing provocatively on a stripper pole that then get memed and receive dozens of likes even after they delete it from their frickin’ wall. Yeah. People eat that shit up. But the crucial part here is not to bother going through tagged photos. If the person you’re cyberbullying has any shame they’ll have detagged all their fugly pictures (and if they don’t have any shame, finding their disgusting old pictures won’t embarrass them). Instead, find some of the earlier albums they’re tagged in; these tend to have the most heinous of the victim’s pics.

How Sir Twattingworth relaxes after a long day of heinousing.

4. POAK WAR
Shut up, this is still cool. This is one of the few ways you can ruin Facebook second-by-second. While most things you do on Da Book take a moment or two to update, if the person you’re having a poke war with is online, then this can be an up-to-the-second heinousfest. You can literally just sit there hitting “poke back” over and over and over and over and over and over again until Mark Zuckerberg’s hologram comes out of the computer screen and strangles you to death.

5. Constantly Change the Picture for an Event You Created
WE GET NOTIFICATIONS EVERY TIME YOU DO THIS. SOMETIMES MORE THAN ONE. I log on, thinking “Oh wow, 28 notifications in three minutes! I am so popular and the people love me!” It is absolutely heartbreaking to realize that two of those notifications are from someone changing the picture for some massive event and that only 26 separate people felt the need to write on my wall in a three-minute span. The people love me.

6. Check In at All of the Places
Holy living mother of poop, I’m so absolutely fascinated by your lunch date at Panera! There with three whole friends? YEAH, THAT’S NO 26 WALL POSTS BIATCH. If you check in everywhere you go (or even like 1/10th of the places you go) I can absolutely guarantee that I wish ill upon those close to you. You’re ruining Facebook, the undisputed pinnacle of mankind’s existence. I won’t stand for this anymore. You have one hour.

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