Morty declares all party themes must be directed through the Student Affairs Office

24 Apr

Morty solving all race problems at NU, shortly after solving Zeno's paradox.

Race relations at Northwestern have been strained ever since the University’s founding by John Evans, a governor with a remarkable knack for suppressing the murder of hundreds of unarmed Native American men, women, and children. The recent controversy swirling around the allegedly “Racist Olympics,” which one NU student says featured students competing against one another to display their drinking and racial-essentializing prowess, is just one entry in Northwestern’s proud history of racial tolerance and respect.

But, in an announcement released just after the maelstrom blew up his newsfeed, President Morty Schapiro announced a bold and ambitious plan that is certain to bring once-troubled campus race relations to a peaceful and harmonious conclusion. He announced via AIM (people still do that, right?) that all themed parties will now be required to receive written approval from the Division of Student Affairs.

Although the fate of the offending party remains unclear, Morty’s proposal will have a drastic effect on a majority of the University’s social landscape, including Frat parties, pre-games, Formals, off-campus parties, daydrinking, dormdrinking, Techdrinking, Winking (Wednesday drinking), Sherman Ave parties, Thinking (Thursday Night Drinking), and this writer’s Tuesday lunch break.

The unprecedented plan has been lauded by University officials, faculty, and students alike.

Dean of Students Burgwell J. Howard was seen by students p-tripping across the Rebecca Crown Center weird concrete quad thing yelling “They’ll HAVE to invite me to their parties if I get to approve the theme! I know, I know!  Burgie themed party! THE CHILDREN WILL LOVE IT.” In an exclusively made-up interview with The Ave, he explained the process by which approval will take place.

“All students must petition two weeks in advance for University approval of their themed parties, including a detailed description of suggested attire, theme music, beverages served, minorities offended, etc. Want to hold a Trail of Beers party? You’ll need express written consent from the Cherokee nation and the Andrew Jackson Presidential Library. Similar rules apply to Nava-hos and Nava-bros. Sig Nu immediately applied for permission to host a ‘Pretend Like Feminism Never Happened Night,’ which is of course pending approval after we contact NOW, Betty Friedan, the editors of Cosmo, Vogue, and HerCampus, and all of the young women who would be asked to wear ballgowns and cook rotisserie chicken while Sig Nu brothers sexually harass them.”

Professor John Michael Bailey concurred with Dean Burgwell, citing race relations at Northwestern as “totally one of the most embarrassing controversies to hit this school in the past two years or so… AMIRITE GUYS???”

Despite campus-wide approval for Schapiro’s initiative, the proposal could dampen many planned social events on campus, which featured themes including Roe v. Wasted, The Donner Party, the Helen Keller-themed Blackout Party, an ASG-themed party (where participants sit around and accomplish nothing), and the “We’re all kind of bigoted assholes in some way or another” party.

Regardless of the social consequences, President Schapiro remained optimistic that his proposal would solve any simmering racial animosity on campus.

“With the close supervision of all themed parties, whether on campus, off campus, on the lakefill, on the beach, or in the Weinberg gardens in between your Poli Sci lecture and Micro 301 class, I am sure that this University has taken a giant leap forward in bringing racial tolerance at Northwestern into the 20th century. Maybe even the late 1950s!”

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