Sex, Weed, and Jesus – Oh My: Your Guide to Spring Quarter 2012 at Northwestern

20 Apr

Dude, do you know how many stations of the cross I had to go through?

Northwestern: Hall of academia, ambition, and — according to a bathroom attendant for the Chicago Cubs — ‘Good weed and pussy.’ Yes, when questioned about what Northwestern excels at, this valiant and questionably sober Cubs employee cited Northwestern as a source of excellent cannabis and lady parts. And though I was originally in disbelief that Northwestern would be known for anything other creating a big build-up and finishing disappointingly in everything (just like my sex life, AMIRIGHT? HIGH-FIVE!), this past week seems to be evidence that Northwestern is a den of poon and pot…and Jesus.

Yeah, Jesus is there too. I mean, you can’t really have two of them without the third being there. It’s in the Bible. Really, you’re going to go read the Bible and check? You could be reading about marijuana and sex, and you’re going to go read the Bible? That’s what I thought. It’s in the Bible then. Markwell even says so. Now that we all have a firm understanding of the Christian holy text, let me review why Northwestern is now everyone’s favorite den of sin and religion.

Sex Week
So I’m going to be really honest here: I don’t know much about sex. I always assumed sex was like Scrabble – something you did alone in your room crying because your prom date Susie dumped you the night before to go with the entire football team who she swore were “just friends” (I STILL LOVE YOU SUSIE!). Thanks to Sex Week though, I have learned sex can be something else: constantly, awkwardly present. Yes, for one week, sex was everywhere. Not in the theoretically awesome way, but realistically weird way, of people having sex everywhere (imagine people having sex everywhere you look. Doesn’t it sound cool in a really crazy way? Now imagine everyone at Northwestern having sex everywhere. Not so awesome.), but in the uncomfortable “everyone who I don’t want to imagine having sex is now talking about themselves having sex” kind of way. However, there is one positive thing to come out of Sex Week: dick pics. I have never heard so many people talk about “dick pics” so frequently, and it has quickly become my favorite topic of conversation. All of this conversation has brought me to one conclusion: everyone loves dick pics. In fact, I have realized that there must be nothing more attractive to women than the male penis on its own. Is that true? I feel like it must be true. So that was Sex Week.

You shall not pass... Until you hit me up with some of that dank shit.

4/20
With the fateful date of April 20th upon us, it’s time for most Northwestern students’ favorite hobby: judging people. For those who do not know the significance of April 20th, it is the day when heathens smoke marijuana, slothfully lie around, and enjoy life…bastards. However, to specify this to Northwestern, April 20th is the day sixty percent of students get high, thirty-nine percent of students don’t get high, and one percent of students freak the fuck out about the sixty percent of students smoking – and for good reason! Marijuana is the most dangerous thing to ever exist ever! Did you know that when people smoke marijuana, they feel lethargic, happy……..and KILL BUNNIES! It’s true! The government told me so. So as you think about whether or not you’re going to light up this April 20th, every hit from the bong you take and every bit of marijuana you inhale will lead to you killing a bunny.

I Agree With Markwell
Let’s be honest here guys: you’re probably bored by now. Nobody here wants to hear about sex and marijuana. Snorefest, right? So let’s get to what everybody wants to hear about: religion. Apparently there’s this guy named Markwell . He likes Jesus or some shit like that. I don’t know. Anyhow, I’m not here to debate religion – since there’s no debate to be had. The only true religion is Glandorism. There is only one simple tenet to Glandorism: God takes many forms, and all of those forms are dragons. Now that we have unanimity in our religious beliefs (you’re not going to disagree with a dragon, are you? Of course not), we can get to the important part of the Markwell campaign: Markwell. I’m not sure where they found this guy, but they probably should have found a more likeable guy. Basically, they should have found a non-engineer. Nothing against engineers, but yeah………..Engineers……No. Just no. That’s actually all I know about Markwell. However, he’s an engineer and people agree with him, so I already don’t like him.

In conclusion, Northwestern Spring Quarter 2012 boils down to three basic things: sex, weed, and Jesus. SO CALL ME MAYBE!

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