Until campus Jesus lovers started exhibiting their support for a McCormick Senior, the ASG elections were the biggest event on campus. Candidates’ names were bandied about, sidewalks were chalked, and some people got really self-righteous about whether or not I should vote.
I voted for Batman, so I guess it turns out I shouldn’t.
I’m afraid to say that I simply couldn’t muster the will to care about the elections. Sure, expression and campus-wide improvements are important, but none of the candidates touched on the issue I really care about: Horses.
That’s right. Horses. Specifically how much I fucking hate horses. I want a politician who can step up and do something about this equine menace, and since it doesn’t look like anyone else is going to do it, the burden falls to me. I am taking this moment to formally announce my candidacy for next year’s ASG presidential election.
My platform is simple, fuck horses. Now, I’m sure a lot of you out there are thinking, “Sad Bones, this is crazy, why do you hate horses so much?” A valid question, hypothetical reader. Let me break it down for you.
1. Horses are Lazy
Did you know that horses have four legs? That’s twice as many legs as people have. And yet, horses make up 0% of the United States’ GDP. Talk about a waste of legs, am I right? Horses are lazy assholes. Which brings me to my second point.
2. Horses are Assholes
Did you know that the Mongol Horde couldn’t have existed without horses? It’s true. Ghenghis Khan would have stopped his terrifying death march a few weeks in because his legs would be “tired as shit.” Wow horses, way to enable atrocities. You guys are dicks.
And did you know that horses kill more people per year than any other thing on Earth? It’s true, according to the lie I just told. But horses aren’t content with simple murder; they’ll stoop to even more subtle levels of fuckery. When I was a kid I tried to ride a horse once. I fell off its back and the asshole just kept trotting along, like I wasn’t even there. On a personal note, if you’re out there reading this Chestnut, I hate you and every time I use glue I hope it’s you.
3. Horses are stupid and take our jobs
Pound-for-Pound, horses are some of the worst students in the United States. They have the lowest standardized test scores of any demographic group outside of Arizona. Yet due to powerful pro-equine lobbyists (thanks OBAMA) millions of equally qualified human haulers and laborers will be put out of work by horses this year. Horses take our jobs, then don’t even pay taxes. There are currently 5.3 million horses living in the United States. Also the economy is bad. Coincidence? Probably. But still, fuck horses.
4. Horses are fat, and shit everywhere
An average horse weighs between 900 and 1100 pounds. Jesus, talk about letting themselves go. I wouldn’t hang out with a person who weighed that much, mostly because I’d be afraid they’d roll over and crush me.
Additionally, horses shit everywhere. Now, when I shit everywhere, it’s a problem and things like “the police” and “the law” and “charges for public indecency” get involved. But when horses do it, it’s no problem. I don’t know why. Horses poop way more than I do. If anything, horses should get a way stricter punishment for shitting in random places than people receive. I guess its just another way horses have subverted our legal systems.
5. Horses think they’re people
Horses live in stables, which are like special houses for horses, and they wear shoes. Next thing we know horses are going to be getting married and serving in the military (an especially likely outcome, with Blockbuster propaganda like Warhorse). We let this spiral out of control and we’ll have horses raising our kids, and fucking our wives (something our wives will allow, since by definition their equine-paramours will be hung like horses). We can’t allow horses to be put on the same plane, much less bed, as people.
Listen, I could literally talk to you all day about the reasons why horses are terrible. Like the fact that their kids are called foals, which kind of sounds like “foul,” which is apt, because that’s exactly what they are. Or I could talk about how horses are racist. Huge fucking racists. When was the last time you saw a black person on a horse? Like never. You think that’s an accident? Fuck no. Horses just hate black people. That’s classic horses.
So we’ve established that horses are terrible. We’ve established that they’re a threat to our very way of life, and we’ve established that I’m a candidate who won’t stand for horse’s horseshit. Will I provide more outdoor lighting for the school? Hell no. Will I decrease safe ride wait times? No. Will I make sure that horses stay the hell out of Northwestern and encourage the University to use as much glue as possible? Yes. That much I can do.
So remember next election day, a vote for me is a vote against horses. And a vote against horses is a vote for a better tomorrow.