As most of you know, Titanic is being released in 3D tonight in theatres across the country. Of course, this makes us wonder: Why? Just why? If I wanted to see Leonardo DiCaprio drown in 3 dimensions, I’d just go to sleep, because more often than not that’s what happens in my dreams. Instead of releasing Titanic in 3D, they should have cut the middle-man and just shown a 3-hour clip of James Cameron masturbating onto a thirty-foot high bonfire made from $100 bills and some physical embodiment of artistic integrity. Now don’t get me wrong; Titanic is a great movie. You get to see Kate Winslet’s tits, plus there’s a really cool shipwreck that occurs about halfway through the movie. On top of that, sadistic bastards like me really get a kick out of watching people drown for an hour and a half; watching the second half of Titanic is like visiting a water park in Baton Rouge.
Anyway, let’s move to the drinking game. First of all, I feel that it’s important to explain why this movie should be approached with optimal levels of intoxication. In my personal case, it stems from the fact that when this movie was released, I was 5 years old and had 4 older sisters between the ages of 10 and 14. (Read: I have no chance at emotional stability.) Therefore, my house was the epicenter of conversations about how cute Leonardo DiCaprio was. Apparently I was the only member of my household who thought he looked like an effeminate little bitch in Titanic. But for those of us who were raised in households that weren’t conducive to self-loathing and an acute awareness of menstrual cycles, there are still reasons to flood your liver during this movie. For one thing, it’s super intellectual to draw a parallel between Jack drowning in the North Atlantic and you drowning in a pool of Pabst Blue Ribbon. Furthermore, if you’re going to spend the money to see this movie again – and by so doing, put more money into the douche-infested pockets of James Cameron – you might as well go all out. As an unfriendly and time-constrained hooker once said to me: Go hard or go home.
So, without further ado, here is the Titanic 3D drinking game. However, because of the uniqueness and importance of this movie, I have devised a drinking game for a few different scenarios in which you might be seeing it.
You’re seeing it with a group of friends: This experience should be made as heinous as humanly possible. I would actually suggest pregaming very heavily, being inappropriately drunk for the first half of the movie, and then starting to drink again during the second half to replenish. Here are some good rules for the second half of the movie:
• Drink every time someone gets in a lifeboat
• Drink every time someone drowns
• Drink every time Jack and Rose look at each other
• Drink every time you think the movie’s almost over and you’re wrong
• Waterfall for as long as the string quarter plays
You’re seeing it with your girlfriend/wife: Chances are you’re being dragged along to this against your will. In that case, it may not be advisable to get too smashed, or else you’ll have to deal with all that angry girlfriend shit; “You always get drunk on our dates,” “You wouldn’t sacrifice yourself so I could have a spot on the lifeboat if we were on The Titanic,” etc. Steer clear of this whole shitfest but only getting somewhat drunk. Here are the proper rules to only achieve a partial level of inebriation:
• Drink every time Rose’s fiancée is a total sack of dicks
• Drink every time the Titanic hits an iceberg
• Drink every time women and children are given preferential treatment
• Drink every time young Rose gives you an erection and old Rose subsequently makes it go away forever
You’re seeing it alone: Waterfall from the part where it says “20th Century Fox” to the closing credits. You need it.