You want to make me happy? Then pour a shot of tequila in my mouth and tie me to Morty’s bed where he can whip me repeatedly with a dog leash while singing the Northwestern fight song and rubbing his nipples — don’t give me a fucking cupcake.
Here are some quick and dirty ways TO TAKE DOWN HAPPINESS CLUB:
1. Always carry cayenne pepper on your person, in case they bring out the puppies — take a whiff of that, BITCH.
2. When they ask you if you want a hug, ask them if they want their testicles. Better yet, kick first and ask later.
3. Splash their cups of free hot chocolate into their faces — see how well they can smile with third degree burns.
4. When they go kite flying: bring knives to attach to kites and scissors to snip strings. See how “happy” the people on the lake fill are when they are DEAD.
No I don’t want a free bagel, fuckhead.