I don’t go out much. I spend most of my weekends in my room, listening to a mash-up of “Call Me Maybe,” “Someone Like You,” and Morty’s voice (never has masturbation had such an illustrious, confusing soundtrack). The world outside is a scary place, full of crime, danger, and Mitt Romney. Unfortunately, because I seldom venture into that terrifying, Romneyful world, I am always behind on trends – including the epidemic that is The Hunger Games. However, as a political science major, I need to seem like I know about everything all the time, and it is no different with The Hunger Games. I decided the best way to find out as much as I could about The Hunger Games while doing as little as possible (another trait I’ve picked up as a poli-sci major), was to look at the movie posters. Here’s what I learned about The Hunger Games from the official movie posters:
Birds Make People Thoughtful
I don’t know why there’s a giant bird on fire. I don’t know why everyone is staring at it. Despite this, I do know one thing: that bird is making everyone contemplative as all hell. Does that bird hold the secrets of the universe? Does it explain the future of our world? Does it explain why every song isn’t Call Me Maybe? I sure hope it does, because those people are probably wasting a lot of time staring at that thing and if it doesn’t tell them why Carly Rae Jepsen isn’t my wife (Carly….CALL ME MAYBE. OR DEFINITELY. NOW), they shouldn’t be staring at it so much.
The Hunger Games Involve Public Sex Demonstrations
So this may be a little far-fetched, but I only had one thought when I saw the poster of the people staring at each other on the televisions: that blonde guy is gonna have so much sex with that girl. They’re gonna sex all over the place. Later though, I noticed that one of the posters said, “The World Will Be Watching.” This can only mean one thing: public sex demonstrations. They seem to be in the middle of an arena and there are televisions, so they probably have sex in the arena and everyone watches on the big screen. That’s what people do in big arenas with everyone watching, right? I haven’t done any research, so this may be an age-inappropriate idea, but if I’ve learned one thing at Northwestern, it’s that when two people meet in front of a large gathering in any venue, they’re going to have sex.
None of This Movie Involves Food
If these people are going to spend so much time having sex and being thoughtful, they’re clearly not going to be eating. Who wants to watch a bunch of fat people have public sex anyhow? But now I’m confused. Why is it called The Hunger Games if there is no food? Are they hungry for each other? Or worse, are they hungry for each other’s bodies? Oh god, that’s it isn’t it? They eat each other? They eat each other! What the fuck guys?! Why did you all go out and watch a movie where people have sex then engage in cannibalism? What is wrong with you people? This is why I never leave my room. I’m not going to go out into a world full of people that enjoy watching people engage in pure gluttony and hedonism. That’s it. This movie makes me sick.
The People Watching Bet on the Lustful Cannibals
This movie is just disgusting. I don’t make judgments about public sex demonstrations; in fact, sometimes they can be a crucial part of a young student’s learning experience. And combining the public sex with cannibalism is fairly inappropriate. But the people watching are betting on it? I mean, there can’t be any other reason why the odds should be in their favor. How the hell does this even happen?! Do they bet on who eats the others first? Maybe they bet on the sex positions they use. Why would they bet on the sex positions? I would always pick doggy style. I don’t think it would happen anymore than others, I just don’t know any other sex positions. God, what type of world bets on cannibals’ sex lives in their free time? This is what you people do when you’re not watching movies, isn’t it? You all bet on each other’s sex lives and lead lives of pure sin.
I’m going to try to hold back my disgust long enough to summarize this abomination of a creation. So basically, this is The Hunger Games: People have sex, and then those people eat other. The world watches all of the people in The Hunger Games do this, and some people bet on everything that happens. I think I’ve summed it up. Wow. Just wow. I can’t believe you all watched this. I’m done with everything forever.